Featured Poker Blog Post by Tommy Angelo

On the EV of Mouse Smashing

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I just got off the phone with a mouse smasher. Or you could call him a mouse masher. (It sounds the same either way, whether you are saying it, or doing it.) I’m going to call him Humphrey. The topic was poker coaching. During the conversation, Humphrey asked some questions I had heard before:

Q: Did you really fold pocket aces before the flop just for the hell of it?

A: Yes. Can you think of a better reason?

Q: I tilt. Can you straighten me out?

A: No. But you can.

Q: What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy?

A: I don’t know. And I don’t care.

Okay, I admit. Nobody has asked me that last question. But I’m ready if they do!

I asked Humphrey to elaborate on his tilting. Here’s what he told me…

“Usually my tilt is merely a percolating, churning, grinding, retching, undercurrent of suckiness and ill-being.”

“You don’t say.”

“But sometimes,” said Humphrey, “it gets really bad. It’s as if a tightly coiled spring of Reardon metal suddenly unwinds at the speed of insanity. The metal impales my arm and seizes control. My hand grabs my mouse, and then, with the zip and accuracy of a third baseman throwing to first, I fling the mouse at the wall and – kaBLAM, chinkle tink thunk – the mouse comes to rest, in pieces, on the floor, as do I.”

“And you call that tilt?”

“Of course it’s tilt! What the hell would you call it?”

“I’d call it a religious experience.”

“A what?”

“Think about it. You were redeemed. You were liberated. You were saved. Sounds like religious talk to me.”

“I wasn’t saved! I was violently enraged!”

::: insert soothing exhale here :::

“Let me ask you something.”

“Okay,” said Humphrey.

“How much is your typical win or loss per session?”

“I’d say it’s in the $200-$400 range.”

“Let’s say that instead of smashing your mouse, you had sat there and kept playing, swimming against your undercurrent of suckiness. What do you think your EV would have been for the rest of that session?”

“Not good. At all.”

“Okay. One more question. How much does a mouse cost?”

::: pause :::

“You’re right, I was saved,” said Humphrey.

“Yes you were. This time. But from here on in, it won’t be so easy. Now that you have seen The Way, you will need to develop an entirely new disciplinary practice, one that has never before existed on this earth. Are you ready for a challenge?”

“Possibly. What is it?”

“When you venture forth to acquire your replacement mouse, you will be tempted by the tilt demon. You must be prepared to defend, like a warrior, or else you will surely be slain.”

“Go on.”

“Hanging in the aisles of merchandise, or browsing through an online store, you will see many mice before you. But you must purchase only one. For if you were to…”

“Okay, okay, I get it. You’re saying that if I’m such a tilt monkey that it’s sometimes hugely plus EV for me to smash my mouse, that I should embrace my rodent-killing ways. And to ensure I make money from mouse smashing, I must never buy more than one at a time. This isn’t the world’s most complicated idea.”

“True. Yet there are few master mouse smashers.”

“So is that it? Aren’t you going to break into some speech about how I shouldn’t let myself get that tilted in the first place?”

“Sounds like you already know that to me.”

Tommy Angelo


Comments for On the EV of Mouse Smashing

Entity

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8664 posts
Joined 11/2006

“Sounds like you already know that to me.”


Epic.

Posted over 8 years ago

BigBadBabar

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4557 posts
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i thought the punch line was going to be to buy a much more expensive mouse

Posted over 8 years ago

EpErOn

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134 posts
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i thought the punch line was going to be to buy a much cheaper mouse



FYP

Posted over 8 years ago

Lucid75

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67 posts
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BigBadBabar

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4557 posts
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FYP



well yea, cheaper if smashing is okay, more expensive if we're gonna try and stop the smashing Smile

Posted over 8 years ago

simonpoker

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Zanardi

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"Yet there are few master mouse smashers"



Loved that one.

I like the path taken to the simple conclusion: I shouldn’t let myself get that tilted in the first place

Posted over 8 years ago

deuces_wild

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289 posts
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I wish Tommy Angelo was my dad.



+1 lol

Posted over 8 years ago

bwalt101

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5 posts
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Icehockeyplyr

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279 posts
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As a gamer who is new to poker. I couldn't even consider smashing my mouse as its actually worth more than my entire bank roll Poke Tongue

Posted over 8 years ago

Tranqville

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66 posts
Joined 06/2008

As a gamer who is new to poker. I couldn't even consider smashing my mouse as its actually worth more than my entire bank roll Poke Tongue



Interesting, what is the brand/model? I may want to buy one, or two. Wink

Posted over 8 years ago

Azariah

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27 posts
Joined 08/2009

Its good to see he started with something fairly cheap. I had someone take out Dual 21" LCD's - Fairly New LCD's - only about a week old.

I died laughing when he went back to FRY's and had to explain to the same sales person why he was buying two more.

Today he controls his anger. LOL

Posted over 8 years ago

supsis

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146 posts
Joined 05/2009

That was an amazing Atlas Shrugged reference!

Posted over 8 years ago

madlex

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336 posts
Joined 12/2008

After twice smashing relatively cheap headphones, I decided to buy some more expensive ones. No incident since Wink

Posted over 8 years ago

Archide

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7 posts
Joined 09/2009

What's funny is that we sometimes want to cure the results of the tilt, and not the tilting. So we focus on the mouse smashing, when it's our stop loss.

This guy had Tommy on the phone and really asked all the questions which only lead up to the point where he can begin learning. At least he has a point of reference to start from. It's like he is now on "GO" and picking up the dice after reading the rules.

lol good stuff.

Posted over 8 years ago

teecee90

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Loco1887

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ceegee

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mevans321

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not the first time I have heard a story like this. I tend to throw my phone. Much more expensive. So I agree that it is plus EV to demolish a little critter than destroy a roll or at least an iPhone.

Posted over 8 years ago

HopeHasGone

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betJaker

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MrEwubbsZ

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riya123

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emmaverxn

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