November 08, 2010
at the age of 24, it's my first real experience with death. Â I'm not looking for sympathy but rather I thought I'd blog about such a unique experience. Â She was my best friend and I loved her from the bottom of my heart. Â My dog's name is Hawk, and she lived up to her name. Â The very first night I brought her home, she caught a rat in my courtyard. Ironically, she lacked the balls to seal the deal and end the rat's life. Â My dad had to do the good dead instead.
She was my best friend and my love. Â If I were to be reincarnated into a dog, that's how I would've turned out. Â I taught my dog a few tricks, but I never disciplined her nor did I keep a collar on her. Â She was a free spirit and while I would've liked to have a disciplined dog, I loved her for who she was. Â She was the type where as soon as she saw a chance to escape the house, she seized it. But I never worried too much because she always came back in 10-20 minutes, either it was out of love or to get a drink of water :) Â It's very like me. Â IT's hard to trust those types of people, the ones who won't listen but claim you can rely on them. Â I knew my dog very well and I could always trust her so I never had a problem w/her shenanigans. Â In the end I was her best friend. Â
It is really weird to lose someone you love. Â I can't complain, I'm 24 and this is my first real first hand experience with the loss of life. Â I don't think I could ask for more, she died in my arms on the way to the hospital. Â She started with me and I came back in time for her life to end with me. Â She had a good run and I will miss her so much, it pains me to write this. Â I personally feel miserable. Â It's on and off again, I feel fine for an hour or so and then it hits again. Â But I must be very fortunate for this to be my first hand experience with death at 24. Â I mean, the world is a pretty fucked up place after all. Â
If you are a sci-fi kind of person or someone w/a scientific mind, you should have realized by now whether you believe in God or not, we are made from stardust. Â Stars that die and give birth, that's how we've been conceived. Â It's theorized that OUR universe (Multiverses are the new theory) started from a tiny incredibly dense mass and what caused the big bang is gravity. Â Because of gravity, our universe exploded and expanded. Â It's from this explosion, from deaths of stars, that Life had the chance to start. Â
I guess I'm trying to rationalize all this, this after all is my first hand experience with death. Â My beloved dog, my companion who demonstrated loyalty I will never know from a human being, died in my arms on the way to the hospital. Â I will love her and miss her and I as of right now I feel guilty because I know I cannot return the same devotion she showed me. Â This might be incoherent and I can expand on it later but I have a headache.
One of my favorite movies is The Fountain by Darren Aranofsky. Â It has to do with buddhism principles but also the fact that life is neverending. Â This is all cyclical.
I'm taking a few days off from poker before I hit the grind machine again. Â I love you Hawk, you were truly a man's best friend.