July 06, 2010

The straight path

It was exactly a year ago when it hit me. I was on my way to visit former classmates in Switzerland. I had a conference in Italy in a beautiful setting. I attended the conference like an obedient schoolgirl, but I dreamed to go out to my little hotel in a village above the overpriced city I was staying in, with its excellent food, the friendly people and a view of the lake to die for. I also dreamed of going back to play. If you look at my PTR, I made over 1200$ that week, just playing in the evenings, watching old movies and reviewing hands during the conference. Needless to say, the astronomy didn't hold much interest that week.

So I was on the train, watching Tommy's Series (back then it was the hottest commodity on DC) and looking forward to seeing high school friends again. I didn't grow up in Germany, actually grew up in Guatemala and attended the German school there. I am still amazed how accomplished my classmates have gotten. We've had a Wall Street Trader, a Miss Guatemala, a pilot, several lawyers, many business owners, a few engineers and so on. Heck, the two girls that were picking my up at the train station were very accomplished on their own. J worked at the UN in Geneva on International Health Issues and G was a coffee trader, traveling the world and dealing in Zug, where 40% of all coffee gets bought and sold (weird, I know).

However, while we were in school, basically only two people in the whole class knew what we wanted to do. That was M and I. For me it was astronomy, of course. Ever since the 8th grade, when I discovered physics and read books and books on astronomy. It was clear, I was good at math, this was what was in the cards. M always wanted to be a doctor. Since she was 14 she worked summers at the hospital (sort of like candy stripes in US, without the ridiculous suit) changing diapers in pediatrics and doing other sorts of dirty work. M breezed through med school and while I was working on my Masters, she was already doing her residency. Her enthusiasm for medicine was amazing, even over coffee, when I would visit home for holidays, she would talk about the glands in your mouth like it was something you should marvel at. I marveled at her decisiveness. Yeah, many found their "calling" in college, but let's face it, most of us just waffled around a bit. No, she was straight as an arrow. She went to Zurich to do some sort of specialization and was also training others in that specialization (please don't ask what, I could hardly keep up with the saliva stuff). Every time somebody would ask me about my classmates, she would be the example: "She had it all figured out from the beginning!".

So I was kind of surprised when she didn't come on that evening when us four where supposed to meet. Ah well, the life of a doctor, always on the go. We were at some fondue restaurant well into our 2nd bottle of wine, when we got the call from her. Clinic... no, I can't come... well... suicide watch... fuck!

Turns out that decisiveness, that perseverance, that stubbornness, that determined drive... ah well, yes that was there, but it burnt out. She was 30 and suddenly realized that all that she had done was medicine, no life. Crisis!

At first I felt smug. I had a kid and a husband, after all, right? But then... I felt it. It's that straight line that I always followed. I never veered off the path. If anybody asked me 15 years ago, what I would be doing 15 years from now, it would've been exactly that. I was so predictable! It really hit me and it hasn't stopped hitting me.

Well, at least I've got something to veer off the path now... poker.

Posted By bellatrix at 09:07 AM

21 Comments

Tags: introspection

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