SSNL BLOG :O

My balance now read $72k, and the feeling I had is difficult to describe. It was a good feeling mixed with feelings of angst. I knew the money was still in play, and that made me fearful, so I stopped playing for a few minutes to try and gather my thoughts, and figure out what I should do. I just sat staring blankly at the cashier window. My mind was not working very well because at this point I had not slept in over 27 hours, but the adrenaline rush was so powerful that I did not feel like sleeping. I browsed the internet for a while, and before I knew it I was already thinking about playing more. I plead with myself not to do it, but it was no use, I was going to play again.

I spun the $22k away faster than I won it, and was back to $50k. I continued to hit the spin button over and over again.  I didn't have a thought, or a feeling about it, I was numb. I didn't know if I was winning or losing at this point. I just kept mindlessly hitting the spin button. I am not sure how long this lasted, but when I snapped out of it I was down to $25k. When I realized what I did, I said out loud "you pissed away almost $50k"  I was shocked for a second, then fury set in. I was so mad that I could let myself do this. I sat and replayed it in my head over and over again thinking how lucky I was, and that I blew it, but it was done, and there was no taking it back. I double checked my moneybookers cash off for $10k, and then went to bed.

I woke up the next day, and the first thing I did was rush to my computer to see if I had dreamed everything that had happened, because surely I was not capable of REALLY doing things like this. It was not a dream, and the balance was indeed $25k. I was no longer mad, or upset about it, and I accepted that it happened. I decided to spend the day planning for the $25k injection my poker bankroll would receive, and in less than 30 minutes I was already contemplating the idea of playing again, but luckily I was fresh, and decided immediately that I would inquire about having my casino games disabled. I got on live chat support and requested that I be blocked from the casino games permanently, and in less than 5 minutes I was forever banned. It felt good, almost like a burden had been lifted from my shoulders, and now I felt like I could seriously plan my poker finances. I ultimately decided I would play some higher stakes games ranging from 5/10 to 10/20 with a strict stop loss. 

A few days passed and the poker was going poorly, but I was having a lot of fun playing those stakes. I played mostly 6max and occasionally HU VS. some of the 5/10 and 10/20 regulars. I had lost about $5k over a few days, which is not much at those stakes, but I decided I would drop down and make 2/4 my standard game until I felt like I was playing my best. I splashed around for a few more days in the mid-stakes 6max games with out anything really note worthy happening. I didn't have money on any other sites besides bodog at the time because like most people I panic cashed from FTP/STARS when Black Friday happened, so I had limited options. The action on bodog was great, but at times it was very slow with not many games running. I figured when my moneybookers cash out was done I would try more sites, so I started to research which ones were best in terms of traffic and rakeback. I made screen names on a few different Euro networks, and got all of the proof of address and identification stuff done in advance so i'd have no troubles moving money on and off, and the sites that had casino's I made sure to block myself immediately just in case.

A few more days passed and my moneybookers cash out was still not processed. I was checking my email to see if there was any update on the status of the cash out, and saw I had an email from the casino department. The email was to notify me that my 72 hour casino ban had been lifted, and they wanted to welcome me back to the casino. I was like wtf?, I thought requested it to be disabled permanently?. I logged into the client and tried to open a roulette table, and sure enough it let me buy-in. Immediately I was thinking OMG this is bad I have to quickly tell support I want it disabled FOREVER, but before I got the live chat open I was already playing. All the thoughts of losing, and the sick feeling had worn off from the last escapade, and I was gung-ho. I wagered my usual $100 per number on 3-5 numbers and started to spin. Less than 45 minutes in I won $15k, and was feeling great. About 1 hour in I had lost $5k of the $15k I had just won, and the all too familiar feeling of sickness came over me. I quickly closed the entire client and contacted live chat support. They apologized for the confusion of my last inquiry, and assured me that I was now banned forever. I was proud that I had the presence of mind and self control to stop when I did, but I still felt bad, and I knew the $10k I just won was nothing to celebrate.

I splashed around in the mid-stakes 6max games for a couple more days, and finally my moneybookers cash out was complete. I was excited to test the waters of these new sites, and quickly made deposits on all of them. I felt like my gambling days were behind me, and now I could focus 100% on my poker game. I decided to deposit small amounts of 5-8 buy-ins on each site, and leave the rest of the money in moneybookers. Before I started to play I contacted my rakebak guy to ensure I was being tracked properly. While chatting with him he mentioned that Party Poker had the best software of all the Euro sites he had played on. Party was not on my list of sites to try, but I figured I should check it out. I already had a screen name on Party Poker from long ago, so all I had to do was request my login details via email. I remembered Party had a casino, so before depositing I emailed support requesting that I be banned from playing casino games. They responded within an hour and said that it was not possible to disable just the casino, and if I wished to be blocked it would mean I would have to block both poker and the casino games. I wasn't happy, nor was I sure if I should even try Party, seeing as what happened recently. After about 20 minutes of self debate I figured what the hell, if it's a good site I have to play there, and I can control myself now anyway, so I deposited $1k for a trial period. I can't tell you what the Party Poker tables look like, because I never even opened one. Before I got the chance to try the poker games my ass was parked at the roulette wheel.

I spun a few small wagers, and lost $250. I decided to do a larger spin for $250, or $50 per number on 5 numbers, and lost again. It finally hit me that I may have developed a problem, especially since I had only been at the site for 5 minutes and I was already gambling. I felt bad that I was in this spiral, and it really started pissing me off. I closed the table and decided I would just cash out my $500 I had left and not play there at all until I got my degenerate urges under control. The cash out process was going to require me sending in multiple documents. I was already frustrated, so this news irritated me to the point where I said " fuck it, I will spin my last ever spin, and be done with it". I wasn't in any mood to play so I bought in for the entire $500, clicked the $500 chip and threw it on the first number I glanced at, number 6. I was already writing my email requesting that my account be disabled for 30 days, so I hit the spin button, minimized the table, and continued writing the email. I finished the email, and angrily opened the table. I was confused for a second because there was a large congratulations banner running across the screen, and it took me a few seconds to realize I had won. Number 6 had hit, and it paid $18k. I didn't even know what to think at this point. I was just like WTF, NO GODDAMN WAY?, but it was real. I sat for a moment to process what just happened. It was an emotional roller coaster like I had never ridden before. I was still angry, but now kinda happy, shocked and dismayed. I had no time to think. It was so unexpected, and it happened so fast. I immediately closed the table, and left my office. I decided to make coffee, and reflect on what the fuck just happened.

 As the coffee brewed I straight up told myself that was it. I got insanely lucky once again, and this time its over. I sat back down and refreshed my balance a few times to ensure I was not going crazy, and by that time I was already thinking about allowing myself to lose $3k and quit with $15k even. I battled it out with myself, going back and forth, should I? shouldn't I?, but the gambler in me won, and just like that it was happening all over again. I was playing.

I will stop here for now.. I guess this will be a 4 part story.. will wrap it up next entry

peace