SSNL BLOG :O

I will begin where I left off last entry, and try to include my poker content as well, but if I don't get to it I will save the poker stuff for my next post.

I was +$50k after a few hours of constant gambling, and by this time the wager had increased to $100 per number on 3-5- numbers, costing $300-$500 a click. I was in a frenzy, and the whole thing was very surreal, but I managed to stop at a balance that read $50k even. I was in disbelief that I had won this much money. Never in my wildest dreams would I have thought this was going to happen.  I sat at my computer thinking about all the ways this win would impact my poker game, and offer ability to take some serious shots. I was totally stoked. Less than 15 minutes passed since I stopped playing, and the sensation of winning had already worn off. I could feel the urge to continue creeping in, and it made me feel sick. I had run up some good scores in the past,  ranging from +$15-$25k, and squandered it away as if it were play chips. I tried to logically talk myself out of it, "just go do something else, you have played enough" I told myself, but the high of winning is like an unquenchable thirst, I wanted more. 

By this time the news had spread to all of my mainstream friends. They all knew I had luck boxed my way into $50k, and every single one of them advised me to stop. I was reminded over and over again how much money this was, and how it opened so many doors for me. I understood very well that this was an epic windfall that would allow me to do everything I ever wanted to do in poker, but the urge to keep playing lingered. It was almost like the Devil himself was sitting on my shoulder egging me on. 

I finally left my computer to make coffee, and while it was brewing I decided I would allow myself to lose $2k and then quit for good. I lit a cigarette and began to play. Before I took one sip of coffee I was down to my $2k stop loss, and with out one second of consideration I lost another $2k, then another $2k. All thoughts of poker, and the money had left my mind, and I was now "chasing losses". It's pretty strange to view it as chasing a loss, but thats exactly how it felt. I had $50k, and now I only have $44k so I have to get back to $50k, all the long not considering I had only started with $400. I continued to spin, and I continued to lose. With each spin I felt more and more disgusted with myself, but I couldn't stop now, I was down to $30k, and I had to get back to $50k. With each spin the losing persisted, and when I saw my balance drop below $10k I felt lower than I ever have before, but I was hell bent on getting back to +$50k, and had no thoughts of quitting. It was +$50k, or $-400.

A few hours passed and I was still at it. I was in a very strange state of mind. I felt like I wasn't playing, but more like I was watching myself play, it was very weird. I eventually snapped out of it and realized I had won it all back. My balance now read $53k. I was relieved, but also amazed that I was capable of losing $50k "gambling". I never thought I could do such ridiculous things. I immediately cashed $10k ( the maximum) to MoneyBookers, and was ready to crash. 

I messed around on the internet for a few minutes before bed, and the high of winning was already wearing off. Before I left my computer chair the urge to risk the extra $3k had already set in. I knew it was crazy, but some how I made it okay to play once more, telling myself "even if you lose this $3k you still have the $50k", so I opened the roulette table, bought in for $3k, and started to play again. In less than 20 minutes I turned the $3k balance into $12k, and 10 minutes later it grew to $18k, then $22k. I was once again in total disbelief, and realizing I now had $22k hanging in the balance, the sick feeling was back.

I guess ill stop here.. I didn't realize this story was so long..and it gets much more absurd.. prolly gonna take me 3-4 parts to finish... I guess i'll get to the poker stuff when I finish this in a day or so... peace