June 09, 2012
Firstly, before you read this let me assure you that you have better things to do with your time. If you play poker you should be studying or playing right now. Go do it!
Secondly, I may in the below huge body of text inadvertently call you a pawn, retard, donk, fucktard, dimwit, or communist.
I never made a lot of money (and my name was never in the paper)
As I have previously said, I am not a professional poker player. I just do it for a bit of money and happen to have no other income. This is, of course, a bit of a paradox since it is very close to the very definition of an occupation, i.e. what you do for a living. But while it technically might be true, if someone were to ask me what I do, the nagging feeling I would have is that- although I may be a poker player- I am but a Pokerstars Pawn.
If you are one, too, you will probably have instantly recognized it just as you read that. And if you are a Limit Hold’em player actually trying to make money and none of the following applies you to:
- I sit HU at six-max and full ring tables and exclusively prey on absolute retards. Did I say retards? I meant Canadians who hold actual jobs and, even though they positively beyond any doubt completely suck at it, have decided to play poker for a bit of fun.
- I am a solid player at the mid-stakes or a superstar of the game.
If none of that applies to you, then congratulations! Chances are that you’re in the same club. But to make absolute certain of the fact, here is a checklist to confirm it:
[ ] I am a TAG fucktard from Russia, Germany, Belarus, Hungary, Bulgaria, Poland, Romania, Czechoslovakia, Kazakhstan, Spain, or any other country, who plays micro or low-stakes.
A Dime a dozen
All kidding aside, let’s face it- I am a dime a dozen, and so are you! I am the fucktard next to you. The one you hate and have called fag in twelve different languages. Not because I beat you, but because I am there, sucking it up. Let me give you some numbers:
- Since June 10, 2010 I have played over one million and one hundred thousand hands of poker on Pokerstars
I used to play elsewhere, but that’s another story. A very sad one, Involving all kinds of Frenchmen and Italians, about a third of the hours, and a lot more money.
- It has taken me over two thousand four hundred and forty one hours
And then I am not even counting the hours studying. That’s leisure time boy!
- In that time I have taken out forty four thousand dollars of the ever so fragile poker economy
No! Hold on! Double that, because I have split it just about fifty/fifty with Pokerstars.
Sure, that might buy a shitload of turnips and vodka in Vladinisjiobirsk (That is not where I live. It is made-up (and possibly racist)) but although I can’t be sure of any numbers that is probably more than your average LHE-micro-donk-pawn. The bulk of us, at least according to PTR (God, I miss you so much), apparently seems to have endless amounts of time grinding away for no money at all. And in more than a few cases I am not even talking about the kind of no-money that can afford to go ‘Alright, got me rakeback-turnip right ‘ere and ’ers a bubbly soda cos it’s Friday’ but as in absolutely no money at all. Zip-diddly-doo zero!
If you’re reading this (fat chance) and happen to be one of those guys (even less likely): It is not my intention to slag off anyone (or is it?) but really- why don’t you just quit? There are better things to do. Go click the I-made-$8000-in-a-week-working-for-Google banner! (This is a joke, you should be getting a job or studying or something. I should, too.) Or maybe I'm just being cynical here and you are not sitting there 24/7 to make a pittance (like me), but there would be no better opportunity to bust out some hilarious ORLY?-meme off the interwebs.
I mean, I love poker- I really do. And perhaps you do, too. But ask yourself- do you really love it that much?
A man is not a piece of fruit
But however much of a breakeven dimwit you are though, there is some good news for you:
YOU ARE A WINNER!
You played like a million hands and you comparatively crushed the game chief. In some of today’s games that might even be a brag-worthy accomplishment. The bad news is, of course, that you did not actually make any money. I do not really have much else to say about the rake. Pokerstars (and other poker sites) are businesses and wants to make a profit- it’s that simple! But I will say this: - You can’t eat the orange and throw away the peel. At least not forever.
But then again, I have been thinking lately that perhaps poker was not supposed to be a way of making a living after all, at least not for the grunts and hacks like myself. At any rate, it certainly seems to be heading in that direction anyway.
Because in between player pools being whisked away by the long arm of government looking to tax every last penny out of it (and don’t even get me started on the U S of A who won’t even let their people play. Bunch of commies if you ask me.), a steady flow of new pawns who are just that little bit smarter than to lose more than the rake, the rake itself, and tougher games in general, the scraps and leftovers for mediocre players are not enough to keep them fed for much longer.(note: real food, not turnips)
I am not too bitter though. I may be a Pokerstars pawn right now, but I am sure there are plenty of opportunities for a guy who is just a bit down on his luck.
How much was that job with Google per week you say?
Update: Due to fucked up internet connection I have not played more than 5130 hands, and those hands have been played extremely subpar due to being angry at fucked up internet connection.
“I have three hundred eighty five big bets left for $0.25/$0.50, and I’ve got to get some seeds, right away. Nothing’s planted. I don’t have a thing in the ground”
To play as many hands as it takes to either get back on my feet, or go completely broke, whine about it, and move on.
Write something worthwhile every three days during the process.