The Story of the Worst Grinder- EVER!

Disclaimer:  This text is hardly even about poker. Go read something else.

 

 

Do anything you wanna do

When I was about eight or nine years old my teacher asked all the little boys and girls to write down what they would like to do for a living when they grew older. Well, as it turned out all the little girls wanted to be nurses or flight-attendants and the boys were about evenly divided in pilots, fire- and policemen. Except for one dude. Not saying I am special (more like special special), but one of the papers read like this:

“When I grow old, I want to work in a computer store so I can play Death Wish 3”

Pretty awesome job if you ask me. But as I was a pretty smart kid, I realized maybe things wouldn’t pan out just the way I wanted them. So it continues (and I kid you not):

“…and if I can’t do that, I want to work at McDonalds, making burgers”

Yep, there it is! If you could somehow combine playing computer games and eating cheese burgers (I guess that’s what I really wanted), I would be all over it like white on rice. (There are of course many people like this, but it is not an occupation.)

Anyway, my point is I might be a mediocre player in today’s games, but at least I really like poker. The problem is that you can’t just go doing whatever the hell you want without having a plan for it. It is like this geezer I knew who said: ‘Hey man, you know I like eating and drinking, right? And you know I enjoy poker. And another thing I just happen to love is pussy.  So listen, right, listen to this- I’ma open up a Tex-Mex restaurant combined hooker bar and we’ll have a poker game in the back room!’ 

Well, the restaurant failed within six months (no previous experience owning a restaurant in one of the highest fail rate businesses there is? Shocker!) and the poker game was shut down by the cops a couple of months later, but I do believe the hookers stayed along because he was lucky enough to find someone (with a shared very keen interest in vag) to hawk the lease to.

Sad story though, the guy died during a poker game about a year later. I know this because I was present. He had a heart attack. It was one of the sickest things I have ever witnessed in my life. So the board read Ts Js As x Tc and it was a huge game with deep stacks. Well, the guy had tens in the hole, so he made four of a kind on the river and two people went all-in before he could even act. Well, the first guy turns over AA for top full house. So the guy says ‘Good hand. I only have two pair, TENS AND TENS!’ and starts laughing and scooping the pot when the third guy who has been silent up to now goes ‘That’s all good, but I don’t believe it beats…’

Yeah, I’m shitting you. This is how it really transpired: It was a 25cent/50cent game. He was in the big blind and I raised to a buck fifty. He folded, and then folded a couple of more hands. Then he said he didn’t feel well and had to go lay down in the other room. About fifteen minutes later he stopped breathing and when the ambulance arrived he was already long gone, despite one of the players trying cpr. I had never seen a dead body before, and for days after I couldn’t stop thinking of the sight of them rolling his pale white, hairy, bare breasted dead body on a stretcher through the room. It was morbid.

 

…but what about the future?

Anyway, as I was saying- you need to have some kind of plan. I used to plan back when I played mid-stakes to build up some capital and try one of those things. Not a tex-mex hooker bar, but something. It never happened due to laziness and soon enough the games got tougher, we lost Italy and France, and the site died. At that point I figured I would do a real dog-year or two at Pokerstars, trying for volume, but found out quickly that there were scores of guys that were as good as I who seemed to have the same idea. And then started the grind just to get by. But I didn’t really consider quitting at that time, because even though I wasn’t making that much money  I was still doing what I liked (and it also enabled me to stay in a place I liked.) Not many people can say that.

I remember in ninth grade we had an outing to prepare us for working life. We were shuttled to this factory, and as we walked in a guy in blue overalls greeted us and said ‘Well boys and girls, in here we make machines…. (okay) that make machines…. (umm, alright)….. that make cardboard boxes.’  Five minutes later, a buddy and I quietly snuck away from the tour, went to the nearest shop, nicked a pack of smokes and sat out in the sun behind the factory. ‘Machines that make machines that make cardboard boxes’ he said to me, ‘imagine that for your fucking future.’

Now that I am almost busto and starting to come to terms with it, I keep thinking of things that I like that I could do and actually have a plan for. I have yet to come up with anything much. Three of my former school friends work in the factory above and strangely enough, I almost envy them.

But in a way, for the last six months it feels like I am doing just what I set out to do in this world- making burger-flipping money and playing Death Wish 3, or as it is called on Pokerstars – micro stakes Limit Hold’em.

I guess I have finally arrived.

                                                                   

6/13/2012

Update:  After three months of shit internet I finally got a second line. You gotta spend money to make money, am I right?! I also revised mission statement to write something every six days instead of three, because as you can tell if you made it through this I’m already reaching with the “worthwhile” part. Childhood stories, how precious!  Besides, I really have to start making some pennies.

13000 hands

“I have six hundred and seventy eight big bets left for $0.25/$0.50, which I will hereby refer to as three hundred and thirty nine bets for $0.50/$1.00. Only weakness – hungry, sleepy! GoGoGoGo!”

Mission statement:

To play as many hands as it takes to either get back on my feet, or go completely broke, whine about it, and move on.

Write something worthwhile every six days during the process.

 

 

Disclaimer:

Firstly, before you read this let me assure you that you have better things to do with your time. If you play poker you should be studying or playing right now. Go do it!

Secondly, I may in the below huge body of text inadvertently call you a pawn, retard, donk, fucktard, dimwit, or communist.

I’m sorry.

 

I never made a lot of money (and my name was never in the paper)

As I have previously said, I am not a professional poker player. I just do it for a bit of money and happen to have no other income. This is, of course, a bit of a paradox since it is very close to the very definition of an occupation, i.e. what you do for a living. But while it technically might be true, if someone were to ask me what I do, the nagging feeling I would have is that- although I may be a poker player- I am but a Pokerstars Pawn.

If you are one, too, you will probably have instantly recognized it just as you read that. And if you are a Limit Hold’em player actually trying to make money and none of the following applies you to:

• I sit HU at six-max and full ring tables and exclusively prey on absolute retards. Did I say retards? I meant Canadians who hold actual jobs and, even though they positively beyond any doubt completely suck at it, have decided to play poker for a bit of fun.

• I am a solid player at the mid-stakes or a superstar of the game.

If none of that applies to you, then congratulations! Chances are that you’re in the same club. But to make absolute certain of the fact, here is a checklist to confirm it:

[   ] I am a TAG fucktard from Russia, Germany, Belarus, Hungary, Bulgaria, Poland, Romania, Czechoslovakia, Kazakhstan, Spain, or any other country, who plays micro or low-stakes.

 

A Dime a dozen

All kidding aside, let’s face it- I am a dime a dozen, and so are you!  I am the fucktard next to you. The one you hate and have called fag in twelve different languages. Not because I beat you, but because I am there, sucking it up. Let me give you some numbers:

• Since June 10, 2010 I have played over one million and one hundred thousand hands of poker on Pokerstars

I used to play elsewhere, but that’s another story. A very sad one, Involving all kinds of Frenchmen and Italians, about a third of the hours, and a lot more money.

• It has taken me over two thousand four hundred and forty one hours

And then I am not even counting the hours studying. That’s leisure time boy!

• In that time I have taken out forty four thousand dollars of the ever so fragile poker economy

No! Hold on! Double that, because I have split it just about fifty/fifty with Pokerstars.

Sure, that might buy a shitload of turnips and vodka in Vladinisjiobirsk (That is not where I live. It is made-up (and possibly racist)) but although I can’t be sure of any numbers that is probably more than your average LHE-micro-donk-pawn. The bulk of us, at least according to PTR (God, I miss you so much), apparently seems to have endless amounts of time grinding away for no money at all. And in more than a few cases I am not even talking about the kind of no-money that can afford to go ‘Alright, got me rakeback-turnip right ‘ere and ’ers a bubbly soda cos it’s Friday’ but as in absolutely no money at all. Zip-diddly-doo zero!

If you’re reading this (fat chance) and happen to be one of those guys (even less likely): It is not my intention to slag off anyone (or is it?) but really- why don’t you just quit? There are better things to do. Go click the I-made-$8000-in-a-week-working-for-Google banner! (This is a joke, you should be getting a job or studying or something. I should, too.) Or maybe I'm just being cynical here and you are not sitting there 24/7 to make a pittance (like me), but there would be no better opportunity to bust out some hilarious ORLY?-meme off the interwebs.

 I mean, I love poker- I really do. And perhaps you do, too. But ask yourself- do you really love it that much?

 

A man is not a piece of fruit

But however much of a breakeven dimwit you are though, there is some good news for you:

YOU ARE A WINNER!

You played like a million hands and you comparatively crushed the game chief. In some of today’s games that might even be a brag-worthy accomplishment. The bad news is, of course, that you did not actually make any money. I do not really have much else to say about the rake. Pokerstars (and other poker sites) are businesses and wants to make a profit- it’s that simple! But I will say this: - You can’t eat the orange and throw away the peel. At least not forever.

But then again, I have been thinking lately that perhaps poker was not supposed to be a way of making a living after all, at least not for the grunts and hacks like myself. At any rate, it certainly seems to be heading in that direction anyway.

Because in between player pools being whisked away by the long arm of government looking to tax every last penny out of it (and don’t even get me started on the U S of A who won’t even let their people play. Bunch of commies if you ask me.), a steady flow of new pawns who are just that little bit smarter than to lose more than the rake, the rake itself, and tougher games in general, the scraps and leftovers for mediocre players are not enough to keep them fed for much longer.(note: real food, not turnips)  

 I am not too bitter though. I may be a Pokerstars pawn right now, but I am sure there are plenty of opportunities for a guy who is just a bit down on his luck.

How much was that job with Google per week you say?

 

6/10/2012

Update: Due to fucked up internet connection I have not played more than 5130 hands, and those hands have been played extremely subpar due to being angry at fucked up internet connection.

“I have three hundred eighty five big bets left for $0.25/$0.50, and I’ve got to get some seeds, right away. Nothing’s planted. I don’t have a thing in the ground”

Mission statement:

To play as many hands as it takes to either get back on my feet, or go completely broke, whine about it, and move on.

Write something worthwhile every three days during the process.

 

 

Disclaimer:

Before you even start reading, let me first assure you that it will be a waste of your time so you might as well stop right now. And not as in I secretly want you to read on, and that is a thrilling and eye-catching opener, but rather literally as in it will seriously be a waste of your time.

The reasons for this are as follows:

It will mostly be about Limit Hold’em- The dreadful minbet game from the 80’s played by pussies who don’t want to play for stacks. To top that off for you- it won’t be played above micro and low stakes. So don’t bother.

It will not improve your game. Even though I may write about poker, you will be much better off at any other place, so don’t stick around. Go improve bro!

It will contain offensive language, in all likelihood have a severe case of tl:dr, and at times be reminiscent of a mental patient’s ramblings (you know, the kind of people who scribble shit on the walls. Literally.)

That said, the good news is that if you’re interested in micro stakes Limit Hold’em, not really wanting to improve your game, and enjoy reading shit- this is right up your alley!

 

 

The problem with introductions

 

Okay, now that we’ve established that, let me tell you about myself. I’ll try to keep this part short, because not only is it painfully boring, but if you have ever read any non-superstar poker player’s story of how he or she started and stuff… well, you know what I mean. It’s not all the same, but at the same time it kind of is. This is true even when you read about people who have had some or a lot of success. Before I signed up with umm.... another training-site.... and viewed the coaches section it went something like:

I first started playing when…

Yep, get on with it!

*click view coach’s result*

These people probably have spectacular stories, as most everyone on the planet does, but let’s face it: the poker stories of how you got started is pretty much the introduction-equivalent of a bad beat hand history at twoplustwo. Most of us bought the book and whatnot; started grinding and so forth; and that time you had Aces someone flopped a straight after calling all-in with shit. You’re only 6 steps from Kevin Bacon, after all.

Anyway, look dude, I am really just a normal guy, but a bit of a life loser. I am too old not to be humping some crappy job somewhere for meager wages, hating it and feeling miserable on any given weekday. But instead, I’ve chosen an awesome independent alternative- playing a quadrillion hands of online Limit Hold’Em!

That’s it really. Of course there’s more to it, but that is the nutshell version. Except the quadrillion hands-part as I didn’t really choose that per say. I have never considered myself a professional poker player. I am not. If there were a book about my life and poker, it would just start with “Once upon a time, there was this guy who went on vacation and didn’t go back. Instead he said ‘Eh, screw it!’ and then he played some cards and stuff.”

Now that you know this I have just spared you the amazing story about me buying the book and started grinding and so on. (I might talk about that later because I had already written that part up but quickly realized how boring it was. However, I’ll be fucking damned if I’m going to delete it after taking the time.)

 

Why am I here though?

More important than further introductions are the reasons that I, today, all of a sudden decided for the first time in months not to play a single hand of poker and instead went on to start this blog. Since I promised myself I would be brutally honest, here they are:

 

Reason 1: I am practically busto.

(Yeah, I know, right? Original stuff right there!)  Yet, this is sad. A Poker player who is broke is basically a failure, all out of cool-points, and pretty much the bottom of the barrel. Naturally, you can still make fun of people who think they’re vampires and the Furries, but anything past that would be seriously reaching.

However, sad as it may be- and even though I’m writing in a public forum- do not for a second think that this is some sort of cry for help. It is not. That I am almost broke is just a simple fact, and what has led up to it is all in the past and I will not delve any further into it right now. Besides, there is no amazing story there anyway, so don’t expect one.

Although, one thing I want to say is that while I am a somewhat mediocre player, I firmly believe I am a winning player in the games I play. And this is not grounded in some delusion of grandeur but a recorded fact over millions of hands. (Like it’s grandiose to beat lol-micro-donk-games, but you know what I mean. It’s like Americans and their lala-land over the top optimistic-I-can-do-it-attitude! It is precious and in general a positive trait, but sometimes you have to kind of smirk on the inside.)

That said- results are in the past, and we are not concerned with the past here. We are concerned with the future.

 

Reason 2: I want to set goals for myself.

While typing the line above my mind simultaneously went ‘lol, be more predictable! Or is that even possible?’ But yes, I want to set goals and discover what I am capable of.  It is not some grand endeavor- It is human nature.

Not that I haven’t done this before. In fact I have probably changed my goals this year about a hundred times already. My conclusions of my capabilities so far have been but one– I am absolutely extraordinary at, and doing a tremendous job of setting expectations too high and bailing out. If I could just figure out how to do that for money I would be extremely well off.

So what is really different this time? Nothing, I suppose. Except a sheer determination to put my money (I don’t have it yet) where my mouth is in a public forum. I don’t want anyone to read about it, I just want the knowledge that someone hypothetically could. What’s wrong with me Jared?

 

Reason 3: I want to document… something.

What exactly it turns out as I have no idea at this point in time. It might end up as the story of how I quit playing poker; how I carried on playing poker; how I went completely broke and had to get on it with, or something completely different. Whatever it may be, it’ll at least be here, in writing. (Just like all kinds of shitty poetry and gobbledygook all over the internet, only better written!)

These three reasons combined can be simplified into one single but pretty wordy sentence :

“As of today, I have four hundred and twenty seven big bets left for $0.25/$0.50, and to survive I will have to put more volume in than a Russian guy on meth, while at the same time writing about it!”

It could also be somewhat accurately summed up in one acronym – FML!

Because I am the worst grinder – EVER!

 

6/7/2012

Mission statement:

To play as many hands as it takes to either get back on my feet, or go completely broke, whine about it, and move on.

Write something worthwhile every three days during the process.