July 06, 2011
Last month was a really low volume month. I played about 3 hours, though I also managed to win about $12k in those hours so it wasn't too bad (a couple really good sessions vs fish at TD).
I just didn't really have the motivation to play at all most of the time, mostly due to the lack of action at TD tables. I get impatient waiting for action if its longer than 10 minutes and I want to do something else to pass the time; when I do that I get involved in that thing and don't want to play anymore. The whole FTP debacle couldn't have helped either. I'm not really bothered about the money I have online because I think it's pretty likely I'll get it back, but it just meant I will get even less action now and became another excuse to not play.
I really could see myself not playing at all for the rest of the year, but I don't want to do that. I really want to get back into things properly, but I have the tendency to put off playing "until tomorrow" and eventually that becomes what June was. I played today for an hour and made $3k, which is a pretty incredible session and should by all rights get me back into the swing of things, but honestly by tomorrow I could have changed my mind completely.
You might think that it's a simple case of me not trying hard enough - I could easily sit down longer, make more effort, play some PLO, play some tourneys etc. This is true, but I realized that there is a deeper subconscious feeling that is at the root of all this: "I already have enough money." This is clearly not true as I can't buy a house, but it's somewhat true in that I can pretty much buy anything that I want except a house. I just can't see the immediate benefit of trying to make more and it just becomes super easy to decide to do something else. Plus, there is still a lingering effect from my big $28k losing day that makes me not want to lose any of it (it would be a different story if I still felt invincible like I did before that, when I considered poker variance free money.)
Clearly all of this is irrational, and now that I've realized this I can overcome it, right? Unfortunately I actually realized this several weeks ago and it still didn't really make me play more. So I feel a bit stuck at the moment unless TD action really picks up. That said, I really want to get my shit together and get back into poker in the near future.
As an aside, check out my latest installment in the Mark Liu saga (and share if you like it): http://youtu.be/_6aNzEr7UqY