June 08, 2010
First of all, I'm probably a little better than I was a few days ago.Â It sucks so bad.Â It's 99.9% she isn't going to come back to me.Â No contact, she has deleted me from her life.Â So now the next step, for me, is to continue with mine. It seems impossible. I've been living on the minimum amount of food possible (probably less) because I feel like I'm going to puke at every moment.Â Nights are horrible. I still can't sleep at my own house because I can't stand the fact of sleeping in an empty home and I don't know how long that will last.Â I cannot get my mind off of her.Â I dream of her all night. Wake up several times and think of her more.Â Horrible heartburn isn't helping.Â It's from not getting enough food.Â Â Mornings are equally as bad.Â I feel just sick as hell cause my body is basically starving to death at that point.Â I want to puke so bad that usually I just give in.Â Then I force something down my throat because if I don't I'm going to the hospital and I've been in that spot before. it's usually some bacon that my mom has warmed up and a slice of toast.Â That's one bacon strip and like a bite of toast.Â That's about at 7am in the morning and I still have the full day to survive.Â Usually I'm so sick of watching Sportscenter that I just drive home and at least I can check on my cat and be on my computer.Â Â I've been trying to focus on the bad moments of the relationship, but it's only working so much, if not at all.
The one good thing that is going on today is that I finally got a counselor to talk to.Â I go at 5pm and I cannot wait.Â I mentioned that I really wanted to do that and my parents basically said that it was a dumb idea.Â I still called a few yesterday, but I couldn't get through to anyone.Â Last night my dad came home and said that the electrician at his work is in almost the same situation as me and that he went to a counselor and is having great results. So he called and got me an appointment.Â Oh I'm so happy about that.Â I want to get out of this sickness so badly.Â I want to get over her desperately.Â I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired, but I am not that guy that can just put stuff this behind him.Â I need help.