Working to be Solid

Not too many mind you, and no poker. The things that have been running through my mind today, mostly stuff like "the world sucks", “life is rigged”, and the rest of it, but it always comes back to me causing my own world to suck [causing my own problems]. Like this last week I have watched close to 35+hrs of Netflix (I only counted the ones I was sure of) which on the surface seems impressive (as far as movie watching goes), but the truth is far less so because I can only say that I have watched attentively around 1hr 26min of that (yes 1 movie out of close to 22 movies and TV shows). It seems that what I am doing is running them in the background while I “do” something else which makes me wonder what I really am “doing” because I can’t say that I have accomplished much this last week. What's bad is those that I have had in my queue for over a year now like IP Man, others, I have started and really want to watch, but just haven't forced myself to sit still for long enough like The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo(foreign films I have to pay attention to). Where things get ugly is when I start to tie this all back to poker, or school, or even jobs. I have some interestingly bad habits.

I could go on about these habits I could list them they are quite long really. They have to do mostly with not doing what I know I should in many cases. I mean yes there are several things that i can say "I don't know" the right answer or path to take and be honest about it, but I dare say the list of things that go the other way is much longer... much, much longer.

Just a few days ago I sprang out of bed and started a blog post on some very interesting things that have transpired in my life, but two things stopped me in my tracks from finishing and distributing that post. First, it was far too personal, not that I am keeping anything out (or holding back), it would have left the other parties involved vulnerable and likely angry, at my opinion and assessment of the situation(I guess I will hold something back if it might hurt someone personally). Second, (kind of a sick second) I turned on Netflix… I still don’t know exactly why I did that, but it proved to be kryptonite to my original idea and thought, and is likely the reason why the first reason even exists because things kind of did go off track and rather quickly, and once my orginal thought was lost the post quickly became more about the poeple involved.

But I am here now, NO Netflix to distract. I wish that was the only problem I had :p.

What I have started to see is that it is me that has to make the choices of how I spend my time. I mean more deeply I should not be doing things only to please others. Even on my facebook page you will find that “I like to help others in ways they did not even know they were helped”, it’s true, but I often let this strange obsession get in the way of me making the right decission (I fear to let it known the true reason I have done some of the things I have done, because often I have found in thinking I have helped one person I have actually hurt many).

For example, I find I am compelled to do the best job I can for those that treat me worst and need it most. Say for instance a failing business that can’t pay its workers well I would work there, and I would work hard, but only up to the point that they start raising the pay and hiring new people. Then I bail, I’ll be in a good position to have a great paying job, but I’ll be having none of that.

Maybe that example is bad it is too self aggrandizing. Let’s look at something like my own health. I am over weight, at 6’4” I am supposed to weigh something like 220, but instead I am 330 (or more). For the last 2 or 2-1/2 years I have worked toward improving my weight (down from 370 in 2009 at least), but since I moved back home I have greatly reduced my ethics toward the goal of getting fit mostly using the weak excuse of “I don’t have time”.  Now weight is not something I really care all that much about, but I do like feeling good and not being tired (or having my doctor tell me I am going to die soon)[I also admit I wish I had a hott girlfriend]. So previous to the last 8-9 months I rigorously avoided foods that I am allergic to, exercised, slept regularly, and in addition to avoiding corn chocolate and watermelon ate a more balanced and healthy diet. Now I don’t have time to shop for the right foods, cook my meals, exercise, and well corn is in about everything you buy these days (for those that are slow, that is one of the foods I am allergic to). What is funny is, hey, now I really don’t have time for all that because I am more tired and end up sleeping more hours, move more slowly, and in general end up with a piss poor attitude [at times]. A damn fine example if I do say so.

Now let me touch on that other post I keep thinking I will make. The truth about it is simple; one source of advice and information has been a well spring of GREAT advice and information, and the other has been more like a tar pit; dark, sticky, and smells bad. What is interesting about my life is I often have chosen the latter source for my advice. I don’t want to go into more detail in case the parties involved ever read this by some strange chance, luckily I am good at concealment  because more than two parties are involved and etc. they can’t figure it out... [I hope]

But the point of this post is simple. As I have tried to work out the goals I want to achieve on [the computer screen] paper, I have come to realize I need to do some growing up and take responsibility for many of the things I am doing wrong.  No more Netflix (or other) as a needless distraction, it never worked for getting homework done, and it won’t work to make me a better poker player. No more excuses for wasting money eating out because it is easier, and the same goes for not working out or running. We just don’t live long enough to repeat the same mistakes over and over.

P.S. I think it is kind of interesting that I have tried to make a similar post to this on a couple of occassions. I think part of that is I know by actually making it I am forcing myself to see the issue. It is "in the wild" now take it for what you will, I know I will be working to make better changes in my life.