Champagne Parties and Caviar Dreams

(Note: I’ve been working on this project a little and I think this blog is the best avenue for its presentation. I have plenty more glamorous poker-entourage stories to tell and this blog will be filled with them soon, but for now, here’s this mini side-project. Enjoy!)

I’ve always really liked money.

Let me explain. I mean, I know everyone likes money. What I mean is I am fascinated by actual US curency. Without checking, I can tell you that the number one appears as a word or number sixteen times on a US one dollar bill. I know that the most money you can have in US coins without having exact change for a dollar is $1.19 (figure out how!). I am one of the only 9% of Americans who can identify the President on the dime as FDR (based on a study from the Institute of Numbers I Just Made Up).

I especially like more obscure pieces of US currency. For a long time I carried around a Kennedy half-dollar, just because. While everyone else was annoyed by their existence, I exchanged paper dollar bills for Susan B. Anthony dollars, then Sacajawea dollars and most recently the new Presidential $1 coins. I know that Salmon P. Chase is on the $10,000 bill and literally not one single other fact about Salmon P. Chase. Frankly, it it could be a person or it could be a disgusting contest involving fish urine. Who knows?

But my favorite piece of American currency is the two dollar bill: common enough that everyone knows it, yet just rare enough that it’s a little special when one pops up. Whenever I came into contact with one, even when I was a little kid, I would hoard it for ages. I have a folded up $2 bill in my wallet right now that has been there for literally years.

There’s just something about the Two that fasincates me. First, the President on the bill is Thomas Jefferson, probably my favorite President. John Kennedy once held an event at the White House to welcome winners of the Nobel Prize. Forty-nine Laureates arrived, and Kennedy greeted them by saying, “I think this is the most extraordinary collection of talent and of human knowledge that has ever been gathered together at the White House – with the possible exception of when Thomas Jefferson dined alone.”

How cool is that?

Then there’s the actual design of the bill itself.

Right below the portrait on the front, unlike any of the other bills, are the words “The United States of America”, which gives the bill a thicker border than its brothers.

And on the back, instead of some lame-ass building, there is an action shot of dozens of founding fathers signing the Declaration of Independence.

EASILY the best reverse of any US note. When in the course of human events it becomes necessary to create an awesome banknote, it is time for the US two dollar bill.

Up until recently my experience with two dollar bills was like a passive treasure hunt; I would only encounter one if chance brought one my way. This past Christmas, however, I got the idea to use two dollar bills as stocking stuffers. It went over splendidly and I was thoroughly pleased with the idea.

And that got me thinking. What if I got a bunch of two dollar bills from the bank and just spent them around New York City?

So that’s what I decided to do. I went to the bank and got twenty crisp, unspent two dollar bills. I intend to dole them out and see how people react to this beautiful and underrepresented note, and record my Jeffersonial adventures here.

The Adventure Begins: The First Five Bills

The night after I went to the bank I had tickets to go to the Comedy Cellar near NYU.

Bill # 1 – Before a show at the Comedy Cellar, my sense of humor was not at its peak receptivity level. Luckily, I was a stone’s throw from Off the Wagon, which has $1 drafts on Monday nights. A perfect place to start my experiment.

I walked into the bar and ordered a $1 Coors Light and paid for it with a $1 bill. Then I pulled out a Two and gave it to the bartender as a tip. I know what you’re thinking – why didn’t I just pay for the beer with a Two in the first place? I mean, it seems like something the Two is PERFECT for – one dollar beer, one dollar tip! Well, young friends, since this was to be the very first Two spent in this experiment – a significant honor and distinction – I wanted to make sure it was used as an especially generous tip.

…also, it didn’t occur to me to just use the Two in the first place until I already bought the beer with a single. Sorry, but I was thrown by having beer be one dollar in the first place. Who the hell has one dollar beer in New York City? I mean, come on!

Anyways, when I handed the Two to the bartender, it was like a switch got flipped and he changed from zombielike New York barnteder Stony McBlankface to the guy who just saw his best friend walk through the front door. “Hey, look at this! A $2 bill! I haven’t seen one in ages! How about that!”

We talked for a bit about how convenient the Two is and how we wished there were more in circulation and other currency-related details. Then he said, “What’s your name? I’m Randall.” I don’t remember the last time a New York City bartender volunteered a name to me. I told him I was John and he said, “Nice to know you, John, your next draft is on me.”

And it was. He poured me a free beer and even remembered me when I returned to the bar hours later after the comedy show. “Hey, Two Dollar John! How’s it going! What can I getcha?”

One bill spent, one free drink earned, one lifelong friend made. This experiment is starting out all right, if I do say so myself.

Bill # 2 – After the comedy show, my friends and I walked out of the Cellar right as a clown in a bright yellow suit towing about forty balloons came walking by, telling jokes and asking for tips. This was too good to pass up. I whipped out Two number two and handed it to him. “Hope it brings you luck.” I said. His eyes popped. “Whoa, haven’t seen one of these in a while. Thanks!”

He posed for a picture with me!

I call that a win.

As I had with my new bartender friend, I happened to run into my new clown friend a few hours later. I was walking with some friends and we passed him hanging out in front of 1849. He remembered me and we ended up talking for a good ten minutes. He asked what I did, I said I did a little writing, and he said we should do a project together (!). He gave me his real name and phone number!

Now when my female friends complain that “some clown gave me his number last night.” I can say, “I know exactly what you mean.”

Bills #3, 4, and 5 – After the comedy show I found myself at Off the Wagon with an intense, burning need to play some beerpong. Step one was procuring a pitcher of beer, which is eight dollars on Mondays. I checked my wallet and, to my horror, found only $9 – three remaining Twos and three ones. That doesn’t leave much for a tip on an eight dollar pitcher, but I thought, no worries! I have the magical power of the Two Dollar Bill on my side! And based on the success I’ve been having with individual Twos, paying for something with three Twos at once should be explosively good!

So I ordered the pitcher from the lovely bartenderess by the upstairs bar and I put on a sly smile. “I’m sorry, I can only tip you a dollar on the pitcher, but I’ve got three two-dollar bills. I hope that counts for something.”

She gave me the most forced, fake, tight-lipped “you-undertipping-douche” smile I have ever seen.

“Thanks.”

…if it were any colder the beer would have frozen.

Okay. So apparently two dollar bills aren’t magical to everyone (and they don’t make up for a shitty tip, even if you use multiple bills). Good to know. From now on the Twos shall be dispensed individually for maximum positive life impact. Lesson learned.

When the night was over I had spent five Twos, made a few new friends, and received a free beer. I declared it to be a successful beginning to the experiment and I look forward to seeing what other fun our third President can get me into.

It’s All About the Jeffersons, What!