The paranoid Grinder.

So i decided to move up as soon as i got my RB. My original plan was to wait for my sweatsession tomorrow with inavacuum but i was to psyched about it and started on the 1st of november.  Baaaad idea.  Got hit with a serious case of the moving up downswing. Lost my 10 buyins in 4 days and had to move back down.

Now i thought goddamnit now i have another month of 50NL ahead.
That wasnt the case either. I resetted my HEMdb and decided i was gonna renew my game. (kindof been a 50NL robot)
Played great and ran hot. Ran my losses back in 2 days.

Now i figured this was bad, Turned out great. Ive already taken 1 shot. Sessions still on tomorrow for my 2nd shot.
Hopefully that goes better then the 1st.

As for GAD im doing well. almost no probs

Ive been keeping really busy with work and poker lately. Work is definetly were i feel the anxiety the most, (hamburgerbar = lots of people = some of them look threatening= i think theres a conspiracy to kill me).

Im starting medication on monday afternoon. Really nervous about the side effects wich can be Headaches, nausea, Worsening anxiety, severe diarrea, and this could last for up to 4 weeks. Anyway i hope i dont get any of them and manage to just feel better asap.

As for poker im getting rakeback the 4th of november and im hoping my roll will push over the limit for 100NL so i can start making some $$

So i stopped my whimpy grinding blog a couple of months back. Since then alot of interesting things happened in life and poker.

The reason i stopped it is: Who really cares if i make it from 20NL to 50NL, Its no fun and makes no sence for me to post
Daily about my grinding. Thats not a real blog. Anyhow with the interesting developments recently i feel like i can
pick this blog up and change the direction of it more towards a real blog.

Ive been diagnosed with GAD ( general anxiety dissorder )
What this means for me is that normal people just go: "what if this? what if that? naaah thats never happening"
I go "OK im totally convinced this is happening HOOOLY shit im so scared im gonna go into panicmode for 3 months"

Now this has some effect on my game but only on how much volume i can put in. If im really freaked out i obv cant focus
while playing so theres no way im gonna play on such days. On good days playing keeps my mind of my fears and im 100% focused.

Im gonna get some meds from my doctor and also therapy to get rid of this. With this comes alot of Tommy Angelo stuff into play
such as meditation, Mindfullness and trying to keep the irrational thoughts out.

Fears i face everyday is:
The fear of someone breaking in to my appartment and beating the shit out of me.
 The fear of facing a potentially dangerous situation in general, Mugged, Random beatdown or whatever.
The fear of not being able to control my fear so it gets to a point where i go manic and do something crazy

Now im not looking for sympathy or someone telling me to quit playing poker cause of this. I just want to start a blog about this cause
i think its more interesting the 20NL hand histories and microstakes bankroll progress.

Pokerwise im doing well, Thats all im gonna say about it for now. Feel free to ask any questions I got alot of free time were im just
sitting around being paranoid and not able to play. And also it feels kindof good writing about this stuff to get some perspective on it.

Since i think having this progress blog is kindof lame. Dont think anyone would care if i win or loose @ 20 - 50NL i decided to stop this blog.

I have a thread on 2p2 were i do pretty much the same. but with hands and stuff. So i dont feel the need to do that at 2 places at once.

http://forumserver.twoplustwo.com/174/poker-goals-challenges/restarting-580-playing-nl30-goal-100nl-reg-jan-2011-a-862258/#post21277458

The guys in the forum was right. I was scared money at NL50 so im moving down.
No matter the result im staying on 30NL the rest of august to get my shit together.

Was up 10bi now im down 1 bi. That sucks. Hopefully ill get to move when Rakeback comes the 4th of sept.

Hey guys.

I dont know if i mentioned this before but when i got my rakeback the 4th of august i had 25bi for 50NL and figured i would start mixing it in with my normal 30NL game. So ive been playing 2 tables of 30NL and 2 tables 50NL. Im not doing horrible but im not doing anywere near as good as i thought. and i figured the step between the 2 stakes to be pretty small.

Here is my resultscreen from HM. since moving. I created a new DB to see the difference.

[URL=http://img121.imageshack.us/i/reslt2.png/][IMG]http://img121.imageshack.us/img121/2324/reslt2.png[/IMG][/URL]

tell me what you think!

HELL

Nothing has worked out today. My iPhone got stolen. I lost 3bi. Last one due tue severe tilt.

I cant stand running bad. I dont know what it is. Its just the horrible feeling of never succeding.

Ive been at the 1K$ mark now 5 times. Played 50NL 4 times. Had to move down every time and
im getting sick of it. Someoneeeee Heeeeeelp!

Against this 32 / 26 with a 3bet of 20.0 i know 88 is good enough to 4bet. And the flop is a raise 100%
of the time. Instead i take this weak shitline just cause im scared of loosing myself under 1K$

Ongame Network $30.00 No Limit Hold'em - 4 players - View hand 829698
The Official DeucesCracked.com Hand History Converter

SB: $33.06
BB: $47.54
Hero (CO): $46.41
BTN: $23.67

Pre Flop: ($0.45) Hero is CO with 8 8
Hero raises to $1.05, 1 fold, SB raises to $3, 1 fold, Hero calls $1.95

Flop: ($6.30) 4 4 9(2 players)
SB bets $4.05, Hero calls $4.05

Turn: ($14.40) 7(2 players)
SB bets $6.45, Hero calls $6.45

River: ($27.30) A(2 players)
SB checks, Hero checks

Final Pot: $27.30
SB shows Q A
SB wins $25.94
(Rake: $1.36)

Anyway played another latenight sesh yesterday. Went break even to the cent.

Starting roll : 1043$
Ending roll : 1043$

Played 1860 hands today mixed between 30 and 50NL

Seems like i get some kindof brainfuck in the beginning of each sesh thinking im a pro handreader calling stupid stuff down with low pp on high boards and so on. Then i fing myself stuck like 75$ having to struggle for a few hours to get it back. Its not because of runbad or anything its because i play like a donkey.

Anyway ran into theese hands wich were kindof interesting.

hand 1
hand 2

Also 4 flushed AA against AQ with flop QQ9 all in preflop. Best hand always wins. Anyway after this long session i won 3$ i guess thats poker sometimes.

Starting roll : 1045$
Ending roll : 1048$

See you tomorrow

Nothing special happened tonight. The only interesting thing is this hand.

Ended up being stuck 2,5bi Midsesh but took a smoke to calm down and
then got back into it. Played some small - medium pots and ended up 12$

Starting roll 1033$
Ending roll  1045$
Hands played ~950
Winnings 12$