Warning: Long post!
Poker the ever elusive dream... Having moved back to 5nl I was frustrated... frustrated at losing at 10nl so I moved down to 5nl which was fine except I played 5k hands in one session - it was about a 14 hour session, I was tired, frustrated and it didn't go well. I started by clawing about 6 buyins back then got tilted and played bad. I hadn't realised I was playing bad until it was pointed out to me after the session. The bottom line is I'm basically back to square one my bankroll is depleted to zero and I'm at the far end of poker, the end where the fish lurk.
It's a worrying time for an aspiring player to be here, you question yourself, your abilities, and if you will ever meet your long term life goal of making good money from poker. It's been about six years since I started playing, in that time I have studied the game, and I have played hundreds of thousands of hands I have never withdrawn and I must have deposited (in mostly $30-$50 chunks) about $6000 in that time. I find myself second guessing this dream of mine to become a great player, to make serious money from playing poker.
I've been busto before, but seldom have I second guessed my chances of long term success. Some might say that is foolhardy, six years of play, and I have never had the same bankroll for more than a week.
Yet I am a believer in life, and to believe in life you have to believe that anything is possible. Because if not, if you are somehow pigeon holed into one mode of being, of repeating the same set of failure, then life would be a pretty monotonous existence. I don't believe that it is. I do believe that the human mind is an amazing flexible, powerful, and adaptable organism. I believe in right thinking and I do believe that right thinking can really manufacture most of what we truly desire in life.I am determined to get free of this merry-go-round!
I have been lucky enough to make casual IM (internet messaging) aquiantances with one or two very solid players, players that are playing for a living, and succeeding. Some making just enough to qualify as a minimum wage job, one other making a real quality living from playing. Having the occasional conversation with these people and simply looking in the forums at their and other peoples results shows me, time and time again, that it is at least possible, to create a good income from playing poker.
I've also been lucky in having my play critiqued recently, a good winning player, who coached me has told me that I have a really solid game but I have big tilt issues. In his opinion I should at least be able to beat 200nl for a respectable winrate, yet I do not. It was a very interesting and informative conversation. It was useful because it highlighted something I already knew but had not really definately articulated, and that was my tilt is really ensuring that I am not progressing at the rate I should be. It was also useful because it reassured me that I do have what it takes technically, if I can just manage to develop a healthy mental approach to the game.
Yesterday I played some tournements small $1 tournements, I felt myself playing really well I was losing with TP type hands vs OESD's all in the flop, that kind of thing. Yet I was tilted, it was only micro stakes, $1 tournements and I was muttering under my breath - "yeah just my luck, I'm destined to always fail at this game, I'll never get a break" blah blah blah....
I was frustrated because I'd spent the last day or so really researching some great MTT videos and was playing really well, yet - was running as bad as ever (or so I perceived) - it's a negative way of thinking, and it's not good for me or my game. I mean somewhere I have lost focus on what really matters. When I started playing six years ago I was really determined to eventually get good enough to make a living playing. I'm a all or nothing kind of person, and I quickly saw people making big money from playing. The attraction was probabally 50:50 - in favour of the money, and the enjoyment of making money from doing something you enjoyed. As time has progressed I have lost that passion for playing poker, well I haven't exactly lost it, but It has been slowly melted and overshadowed by a restrictive straight jacket of unhealthy thinking at the table. I want to be a winning player so much so I can not stand it when I have a losing session, If I have a $50 bankroll and play and get to say $90 and then for some reason the bankroll reaches a low of $40 I feel so frustrated, I feel like I have gone backwards, like there is no point playing as I have been - I mean what is the point? If In 2-3 days you can have less than what you started with?
So I move up in stakes. Losing $1's, ok I'll play a $5, Lose that, well I have $20 left, Ill play a $10, ok $10 left might as well play another, I won that... well I only have $20 so I'm going to play a few more $10's ... half hour later no bankroll. I am smart enough to realise this isn't playing poker it is gambling. So the real challenge when this happens is to play poker and not gamble. I realise this now as I write, as plain as the day is long I can see that this is not playing poker, this is gambling, yet I still do it from time to time. It's either that - or simply getting frustrated at the lack of bankroll growth and playing too many tables (8+) - and playing long sessions 10hour+ in which I let myself get tired, start making bad decisions - and eventually lose huge chunks of my bankroll.
Long post. That's a fairly honest appraisal of where my game is at. I felt it had to be said and am pleased I said it, I want to draw a line under my past failings and move on with my game for once and for all.
The challenge for me now is to become a champion of correct thinking. I can either really grow from these past failures or I can repeat them ad infinitum. Perhaps these years of losing have been setting the foundations of a truly formidable mental approach to the game. If I can conquer my 'tilt' issues after having them dominate my attempts at becoming a winning player for so long, I am sure I will become one of the strongest mental players in the game. Combine that with some decent play and I could go places.
My focus from this point on is going to completely change. No longer will I think in terms of winning or losing. Of course it is easy to type this, and believe it now, it is another to ensure that this focus remains correctly sighted while at the tables. But it will, I will make it the sole reason I am at the table. My focus is to play well, to make the right decisions, and to never, ever, move up underrolled. When playing I will be thinking to myself, my mission here, my challenge, the whole point of me playing is to remain focussed, to not think any negative thoughts, to enjoy, yes I did say enjoy, the bad beats, and coolers (this is what winning poker is about) - it's part of the territory, so I better learn to enjoy them.
It's been an expensive month for me, especially since I left my job to play poker full time (yes am I mad I hear you say!) I have about 20uk pounds spare until the end of the month, my rent and food is already bought. So I'm going to deposit it, and I'm going to play small $1 tournements and below and I'm going to try to engender this new approach in my game while I'm playing.
At the end of the month I'm going to deposit $50 and rebuild my cash bankroll. I am also at the end of this month going to get some mtt coaching and start a small mtt bankroll (the small mtt bankroll will be on Pokerstars probabally and is what I am starting now with my 20UK pounds) - the cash bankroll will be seperate and on Fulltilt
I have some small money left in my savings account enough to cover my rent/food for the next few months, pay for some coaching, and restart the two small bankrolls I just mentioned. To be honest I have never had much money in my life so am not really missing not working at the moment, I feel good about doing something I want to do, for once instead of doing simply what is accepted as the norm in society (working 9-5). This is my shot at becoming a solid winning poker player, I'm dedicating myself exclusively to this goal for the next 4-5 months.
Many people advocate playing either cash OR mtts, but I am going to play both, I want to become a good winner at both and feel I have alot I can offer both formats. I feel my growth in each will help the other.
I'm off to deposit 20GBP on pokerstars which will be my starting bankroll for the rest of the month. I have one goal for the rest of the month and that is to "become a champion of correct thinking" - to play poker, to always enjoy it, and to profit slowly, incredibally slowly, but surely, over time. That is the goal, I'll report how things are going over the next couple of weeks.
Thanks for checking by, I feel I have a renewed sense of conviction and purpose in my poker, I have a simple short term goal, to still be playing with this 20GPB deposit in two weeks time, if I am, it will be the longest I have had a bankroll for. Surely that is achievable. Time will tell...
