Not Enough Architects

Well, not exactly, but I think I'm pretty much done with poker in any serious capacity for the foreseeable future.

I just cashed out almost all of my roll on Stars and on one hand it feels like a pretty big relief and pretty sad on the other.  I can't remember the last time I actually enjoyed playing poker, or just played because it seemed like it would be fun to do so.  The last 6 months have pretty much been a car crash.  There have been days, or the odd week, when things have been ok but mostly its sucked balls really.

I used to think that all the positives I got out of poker made up for any negatives but I don't think that's the case anymore.  Playing poker has taught me tons (and not just about playing poker) but I think the negatives far outweigh any of this at the moment so it seems like a pretty good time to call it quits, or at least take a pretty long break.

It's weird.  I never really imagined that I wouldn't make it at poker.  I'm not really sure what I mean by 'make it' but I always thought I'd be able to make pretty good money from poker, whether that was just as a hobby or as my primary source of income.  I still think it could have happened... and it still might.  But not right now.

Good luck everyone.  

It seems like I only feel the need to blog when things are going badly.

The last few months have been pretty rough.  Not long after moving up and making 50NL my main game I decided to sit a few exams for work.  Studying for these took up most of the free time that I would usually dedicate to poker which meant there was about a 2 month period where I spent next to no time on improving my game.  Anytime I did have any time I would just open up some tables and play.  Badly.

Unsurprisingly I lost money during those sessions.  I hung on at 50NL as for as long as my bankroll would allow but after going on holiday for two weeks followed by having to cash out some of my bankroll I decided to move back down to 25NL and regroup.   Things started off ok but because I’d already beaten these games before I made the mistake of thinking I just had to turn up to win.  Not so.  I also thought I could afford to add a couple of extra tables which has just compounded the issues.  Things started off ok but the last couple of weeks have been pretty bad.  I know I’ve ran pretty badly over that period and I’ve been coolered a ton, but I’ve also played pretty terribly at times. 

I think a lot of the problems with my game at the moment stem from some coaching sessions I had not long after moving up to 50NL.  I really enjoyed the sessions and have absolutely nothing negative to say about the coach in question.  I’d highly recommend him, in fact.  I just think I misapplied a lot of the concepts I learned and turned into a bit of a spewtard.  After moving to 50NL I got a bit paranoid about the amount of ‘regs’ I was facing and that they might be exploiting me.  There clearly were some obvious leaks in my game but I definitely think I went overboard trying to correct them.  On the few occasions where I did have time to watch videos during this time I made a point of watching those played at higher stakes than where I was playing.  I think my rationale was that the games these days are more aggressive so watching videos of higher, more aggressive games would be ok.  Either it flat out just wasn’t, or I misapplied a lot of the concepts again.   

I don’t think things are so bad that I need to go completely back to basics and rebuild my whole game from the bottom up.  I think tightening up and toning down the aggression will be hugely beneficial to begin with. On top of that, I do think there is plenty of room for me to work on the fundamentals that I’ve pretty much neglected for the past few months.  Hopefully that, combined with watching some more relevant videos will get me moving in the right direction again.

In other news, I finally got around to seeing Drive at the cinema last night.  I think I’d already decided I was going to like it but I really did think it was excellent. 

Also, I think I’m going to have to change my avatar.  DeMarco Murray ran for like a million yards yesterday which could spell the end for Tashard.

So apparently I tilt.  Who knew?

-If my primary motivation to play a session is to hit a certain amount of hands for the month, I probably shouldn’t play.
-If my secondary motivation to play a session is to hit a certain amount of profit for the month in order to have my most profitable month so far, I probably shouldn’t play.
-Playing whilst I’m so tired that constructing a range of hands for a given opponent in a given hand is virtually impossible is a bad idea.
-Playing after having the most stressful workday of my life is a bad idea.
-Playing whilst being really ill is a bad idea.
-Playing whilst being totally spaced out from taking medicine for said illness is a bad idea.
-I DO tilt, although it’s not the mouse breaking, how the fuck can he call with that variety.  It’s a lot subtler than that and, thus, a lot more difficult to detect.
-Playing mindless, autopilot poker is by far my biggest leak.
-Just because I have a really cool new 24” monitor that easily hands 6 tables doesn’t mean I should play 6 tables.  Particularly when tired, stressed and/or ill.
-And finally, on a positive note, I cope surprisingly well with losing relatively large amounts of money in a reasonably short space of time.

In case it’s not clear, all of the above actually occurred during one session.  I played it last night and it lasted for approximately 1,000 hands.  In that time I managed to erode about 70% of my winnings for the month all the while convincing myself that I was just running bad. 

I’m not, and wasn’t at any point, annoyed about how much money I lost.  Results aren’t everything and there will of course be times when I lose plenty more.  I was annoyed that I allowed it to happen.  I set myself up to fail and I failed spectacularly!

Having said that, it’s really not the end of the world and I’m pretty pleased with how I’ve dealt with it.  There probably would have been a time where I would have sulked about it and felt sorry for myself but, ultimately, it’s just something to look back at and learn from I guess.

I don’t like folding.  It annoys me.  There are times where I hit the fold button and I can literally feel the tension building up in my upper back and shoulders.  What I have come to learn is that this is not remotely conducive to being a winning player at the micros.  Of course, we all already knew that.

I recently played a hand where I raised the river on a 3 flush board with a full house and got 3bet.  Before I made the raise I told myself that he would call with a flush but, if he raises, he's got the nuts.  Easy fold.  But something strange happened.  Once I got raised, I managed
to convince myself that he could still have the flush after all.  Or, perhaps he was just messing with me.  I called.  He had it.

I ended the session shortly after and whilst just sitting and staring in a bit of daze I think it finally hit me.  If I'm ever going to be any good at this game and achieve my goals I need to get to the bottom of why it is that I still can't find the fold button.

So, as I sat there at my desk, I set out to do some soul searching.  To answer the question, why can't I fold?

I thought about why it was that I resent folding so much and wrote them down:

- I don’t like the thought that I might be folding the best hand.
- I don’t like giving up the money that I've put into the pot.
- I don’t like the thought of being exploited or ran over.
- I often don't know whether there are worse hands in villain’s range that he would raise for value.

That's basically it.  They are the reason that I struggle to find the fold button when I know I should.  They are the thoughts that pop into my head when I know I should be folding.

What struck me was that they are all, with one exception, completely irrational.  I realized that I already had the knowledge and understanding within me as to why these thoughts are, for the most part, nonsense.  Maybe putting it down in writing would help my brain understand why these thoughts are irrational.

I don’t like the thought that I might be folding the best hand
How many times have I been raised and convinced myself that maybe I have the best hand, maybe he’s bluffing?  How many times have I called only to see that I didn’t have the best hand, he wasn’t bluffing? 

Einstein’s definition of insanity is doing the same things over and over again and expecting different results, yet I continue to get raised and continue to make the call, clinging to the hope that hey, he could be bluffing.  And I continue to lose.  I once heard BalugaWhale say something along the lines of “they’re not bluffing, but if they are, you’ll find out soon enough” and it’s completely true.  9 times out of 10 at the micros they’ll show the bluff and even if they don’t, it will become pretty obvious pretty quickly.  Just fold and wait for a better spot.

I don’t like giving up money that I’ve put into the pot
Whether I call or fold, the money is irrelevant.  My aim is to improve as a poker player and the way that I achieve that is by making better decisions.  If the best decision is to fold, that’s all that matters.  I have no rights over the money I’ve already committed to the pot.  If I put money into a pot it’s because either I think I have the best hand or I think I can make my opponent fold.  If my opponent raises, I’ve just been told that’s no longer the case.  No big deal.

There is nothing I can do about the cards my opponent holds.  It’s completely out of my control.  All I can control are the decisions I make.  If I don’t fold when I know I should, it’s nobodies fault but my own.  It’s my mistake.

I don’t like the thought of being exploited or ran over
I play 5 & 10nl.  Nobody is exploiting me.  If someone were good enough that they could exploit me, they wouldn’t be playing these stakes.  It’s that simple.

I often don't know whether there are worse hands in villain’s range that he would raise for value
This is the one I don’t think is totally irrational.  However, the solution is still very simple.  Get better at poker.

Spend more time working on ranges and perceived ranges.  If I cant determine which hands villain is raising with then name the hands in his range and think, rationally, about what he is most likely to do with them.  What does my hand look like?  If I take an extremely strong line and my opponent raises, is he really doing it with top pair?  Shouldn’t think so.

My aim is to take pride in folding.  Being able to make good folds  (and value bet, of course) is what will set me apart from other players at the limits and allow me to move up.  I should take pride in being able to make folds that others would be incapable of.  Every time I get raised and find the fold button, I improve as a player.  Every fold I make takes me a step closer to being able to be the best player I can be.

Every session I play is an opportunity to make good folds.  I’ll be proud of myself that I made the right decision and remind myself that making good decisions is the goal, not making money.  As long as I keep making the right decisions and as long as I keep folding when I know I should, the money will take care of itself.

I should do it more.  The end.

Nothing much has been happening poker-wize.  Still at 10NL.  Still a station.  I'm averaging about 2 good sessions for every bad one which lends itself quite nicely to breaking even, but I'm definitely moving in the right direction.

Anyway, the point of this blog is to talk about training and to share something I read a few weeks ago.  Around about this time last year I'd just hit new PRs for my squat (420lb), dead lift (440lb) and bench press (265lb) - nothing amazing but I was pretty pleased with it at the time.  It was certainly the strongest I've ever been although definitely not the healthiest.  I was actually pretty beat up from injuries but I was determined to press on until I no longer had a reason to.

So the last 12 months or so I've still been training but with no real purpose or goal.  No real reason.  The reason I trained so hard up until last year was to play football (thats American Football, in the UK - long story!) but I had to stop due to an injury.  With a bit of luck that's now behind me and I'm hoping to play again next season.  With that in mind I stepped my training up a level at the gym and it was going pretty well.

Then I read this, which was written by Jim Wendler:

"You admit that you are not strong enough (many of us feel this way but understand that it is an ongoing process and that THIS process is important). But please DO NOT be that guy who talks about where he holds his fat or how his legs or "obliques" are fattier than they should be. Where has our gender gone? 

What I would prescribe for you is to get rid of all these silly, pathetic and disgusting notions of what you think a man should look like and start over. I'm going to give everyone a huge hint here: no one gives a shit what you look like. Now I'm not saying being a fat slob doesn't raise some eyebrows in disgust, but if you kick as much ass as possible int the weight room and conditioning field AND start OWNING the fuck out of your given "sport" (you better start competing and making your training count), you will not only LOOK better but you will feel better. People are not attracted to vanity - they are attracted to confidence and passion. No one owns a room by the way they look; it's how they carry themselves.

There is so much more to this, but PLEASE don't talk about your love handles. Talk about your passions in life, talk about how your moved boulders, talk about the books you've read, talk about the world's you've changed. You have the passion for training, start making this shit count.

I know this is probably way off topic then what you wanted but I'm trying hard to get rid of all this bullshit that is plaguing SO MANY men, young men and boys. So in conclusion, I recommend this:

1. Stretch
2. Lift
3. Sprint

Do this all the time - no bulking, no cutting, no bullshit. Just training for being a motherfucker. Don't be that guy that takes shirtless photos of himself so other men can drool on them. That shit is a disgrace to every man that has done anything awesome in his life - while they were busy "doing" these shirtless 'tards were busy trying to look the part. Get off the bench and get on the field. "

The title was "Read this if you want a kick in the ass".  It was what I needed - and it worked - so I thought I'd pass it on incase anyone else was in need.

"...it's never too late or, in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be. There's no time limit, stop whenever you want. You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. And I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life you're proud of. If you find that you're not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again."

So this is my very first blog.  Anywhere.  Ever.

It may also turn out to be my last.  I'm not sure I actually have all that much to be blogging about on a regular basis but we'll see how it goes I guess.  If there are any future blogs I'm hoping that it won't just be a bunch of bad beats and sob stories - my girlfriend is perfectly adept at listening to them and not caring in slightest so there's no real need to inflict it on anyone else.

As far as poker goes, I'm currently playing micro stakes on Full Tilt.  I moved back down to 10NL today after about 21k painful, breakeven hands at 25NL.  Hopefully it won't be for long.

I generally try and set some goals at the end of each month for the coming month.  Some poker, some not.  I know there are few days of the month left but my poker goals for November are as follows...

Fold more. 

Have a goal for each session.  Focus on an area of my game during each session, activey work on improving it and review how it went after the session.

Watch live play videos of DC coaches and rather than take notes on the hands themselves, take notes on how the coaches are actually thinking about poker.  Compile a list of the various coaches thought processes to get an idea of common themes.  What are they doing that I'm not?  What are they thinking about that I'm not?  Identify and begin incorporating them into my own game.

I guess that will do it for now.  Not the most exciting first blog but there we are.  Plenty of room for improvement!