Wave of Mutilation

Clowns Clowns Clowns, and More Fucking Clowns

FenderJaguar — Sun, 11 Dec 2011 16:54:13 +0000

There's a lot of dumb shit going on right now in the world of online poker. It's both depressing and enraging, and with me being the lagtard I am (now I just click buttons on my remote real fast, RIP online poker) I tend to get enraged more than depressed.

First we have Bodog, with their non-anon anon tables and spritely wool over the eyes response to KyleB's vids. You're a bunch of fucking retards Bodonk. I never played there because their software has always been an absolute atrocity and anyone who accepted that software can't be very smart. It all makes perfect logical sense. So fuck Bodonk. This is of course a good example of the standard shitty response all companies give in this day and age, the non-transparent "everything is cool yo, nothing to see here, business as usual" that's almost 100% a lie. Maybe if you assholes were honest with your potential paying customers you wouldn't be in so many tricky situations down the road caught in a mosh of lies and generic response. Then again why would you care? It's not like you fuckers have anyone to answer to. Also, dude, LOLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL at your high moral arrow shooting to protect the casual player from the demonic horrors of the predatory reg! YOU FUCKING IDIOTS. Hope you all get a flesh eating disease and die a slow painful death. A poker player is a poker player is a poker player is a poker player. Win or lose, reg or fish. You offer a service to POKER PLAYERS not non-professional, non-consistent players. You're fucking retards. "the health of bla bla bla bla bla" If anyone believes you have the good of the poker community nested softly in your crusty black heart they deserve to play on your abomination of a site. Rot in hell bitches.

The Bluefire Poker debacle is truly depressing. I used to be a paying member, back in the day when the USA was grea.... wait NM the USA has always been fucked, it just never hit home so hard before. I thought Phil Galfond didn't make videos for Cardrunners or anyone else because he wanted to be in control. Why on earth wouldn't he be the owner of BFP? That's sad. I mean, it was hilarious when they started showing up with MTT and SNG vids but definitely understandable to try and capture that part of the market, since Phil had the attention of cash game players everywhere. I have news for you BFP, Phil Galfond was marketed as the face of your site, the owner, the leader, the man, he's the dude, that's what we called him. Whatever was going on behind the scenes should obviously have kept that in mind. You signed your own death warrant. Also, not letting him post the last 4 vids he wants to post and deleting his blog etc. is retarded. You should take his face off the front page and go the rest of the way you idiots. Grow up you scum sucking assholes.

The internet gaming regulation situation (say that 5x fast) is also a giant clown car full of red nosed buffoons. It reminds me of something else full of clowns and idiots. You know, elections. There's one thing you never see in these situations, intent. The face of a movement, the face of an individual involved in a debate, all of it is fucking hogwash. It's just a form of entertainment to be honest, should make a reality TV show about it. "ELECTED". That's all it boils down to. Intent is what's important, and hard to get a read on. It's funny to read about guys that were supporting or against online poker flip their decision. Like whoever that recent asshole is. You know what? I'm sorry for all you moron fucking casino guys who missed out on online poker because you were too stupid to realize it was the future. I'm sorry you're not making bank and rake handoverfist and it's so so so depressing to know that you're all wah wah wah about it. I feel so sorry for you. At least you can glaze the pocket of your idiot politician friends! You still have a shot! You could get all kinds of loopholes and structural shamblings set up in your favor to capitalize still. Don't worry guys, it's OK!!!!! Hope you all get a flesh eating disease and die a slow painful death.

Put your guard up folks. Everyone out there, politicians, casino donks, Bodonks, they're all just giant waving dicks waiting for your asshole to walk by at the right angle.

Congrats to LOL_U_91, my cash game student, for winning WCOOP 1.

FenderJaguar — Fri, 09 Sep 2011 19:25:03 +0000

It seems like for some reason whenever I coach someone in cash games they go on to smash mtts for big money no whammies. Dumb luck? Variance? I don't know. I'm glad to see their success though because I know I don't have the stamina to grind out 16 hour sessions (unless it's live poker, then it's fine for some reason). Winning a nice MTT can be life changing money, and YES even in the rusting Dollar, at least for now! Don't have too much else to say other than congratulations to Miguel and that we'll have some media and hand review on freepokercoaching.net sometime in the near future. Tentative launch date for the site is Oct. 1st. Could be a bit after but we'll see. These things take time, and right now I'm doing my best to fend off the lagtard pornbots that are festering. We're about improving our poker games, not giant black and asian monstercock madness. Sorry bro.

What the FUCK am I going to do w/all these batteries!??!

FenderJaguar — Mon, 29 Aug 2011 09:00:51 +0000

As I sit here crafting the lyrics to my next hit cover song "Come on Irene" I'm wondering just what the fuck to do with all these batteries? Sure, the Lunchables I can grub on and the water I can drink, but the batteries have me baffled. Donate them to lesbians? I had my bike (yes, on my bike!) all ready to fly around houses like the wicked witch and all I got was this wet air conditioner spitting dust and musky mucus thick rain slush on me. Cardboard boxes smell funny when they're wet. Mountain Dew Throwback is a fucking ape-strong TRUCK. It could leap Zod in a single bound. What does all of this mean anyway? Where's my online poker?

The only thing even remotely significant that happened to me during Irene is that my mum's cat ran away :/ I feel bad. I haven't really had much to say since all this bs went down. I'm kinda apathetic about it all. If I said what I was really thinking I'd be back in a mental institution faster than I could donate batteries to lesbians. Actually, that'd probably take a while since I don't really live near or know any, that I know of. I see the Craigslist ad now though - "Rogue Batteries Seek Quality Home w/Hot Lesbians".

I feel like people are seeking help with their poker game far earlier than they used to. Obviously with all that's happened to poker, all the transformations, scandals, ups/downs/whathaveyouz more people are more informed that help is available at an earlier time and more people are trying to provide that help as well as profit from it. I think it's cool but seeing posts in microstakes forums about 4b/5b wars is silly. Ya'll need to chill out a bit :)

Obviously the "poker lifestyle" is appealing. Do whatever you want, whenever you want. To be honest you could have that if you wanted it anyway, without poker. It just takes a passion for something and hard work to achieve goals. The worst thing you can do is think you're going to scrape by in poker as a mini-grinder. It's even worse when you have illusions of grandeur and fancy yourself some kind of master. It's even worse when you fancy yourself some kind of master and de-value the advice or teachings of those with more experience and longevity in the game. It's even worse when you're incapable of realizing any of these things are happening with you and you stale mate.

Poker is waiting to butt-fuck you. When you think you've settled in and you've figured it out, is when you feel the most disconnected when shit goes wrong. This isn't going to stop happening. I've always tried to take poker one step at a time, I feel like getting good at or focusing on one thing at a time will be a great help, don't bite off more than you can chew, so to speak. If you really enjoy poker and want to make a run at playing professionally, put in hard work and don't be a bitch about shit when it goes wrong. It's part of it going right. If you can't learn something and improve from a mistake you've made and you just get angry, you lose. YOU LOSE. (wonkagooddaysir.jpg)

I miss online poker. I didn't put in as much volume as some dedicated grinders, but I played my fair share and most importantly I had the ability to do so if I wanted. I do not take lightly to freedoms being removed from my choice palette. Though my instinct is swift vengeance and catastrophic levels of retribution, a more realistic approach is likely to be more successful. That being said FUCK THE GOVT.

What's my next play? Hard to say. I'm about to start showing up at Turning Stone and Foxwoods more :) Along with the underground games in upstate NY. Though I'm more hesitant about those than I used to be because the rate of robberies and raids is increasing all the time, and those fuckers don't even supply hot chocolate.

Raids & Robberies, it's a new Atari 2600 homebrew just WAITING to happen. You play the part of an underground poker club manager. Your goal is to figure out which players in your club are most likely to cause a raid or robbery, and crush them like Borat would. HE GET IT! The govt. has a very funny retardation.

I've been playing a bit of LoL (League of Legends) to pass time when I'm not working on freepokercoaching.net. I'm a donk though, 100%. I can't even figure out which dude I want to be. If you'd like to donk around sometime pm me your sn on there! I'd return to the MTG circuit part time if it didn't make me sick. It's definitely a good time for magic grinders though with a money tournament every other weekend. I'm just a fucking curmudgeon, lets face reality.

I clicked on a Yahoo presidential candidate thingy the other day and it was some random idiot who was all about a few things I agreed with, then he was like "yo, I'm all about outlawing abortions and gay marriage" and I felt a sick feeling of rage wash over me. Where the fuck do you idiots get off deciding who can do what and when? You're not family, you don't pay my bills, and we aren't fucking, so GTFO. I'm not gay, nor will I ever be pregnant outside of Halloween or a Sci-Fi dream, nor will I ever be married (just not my style, but I support anyone's ability to do it if they wish) Personally I think we should make politicians FIGHT TO THE DEATH like Mike Vick's dogs before they enter office. Also, their list of bullshit changes that they plan to make, they should be forced to do that before they do anything else, or thrown into a pit of electric spikes! Also, fuck living at the White House, the President should be forced to live in the poorest parts of the country periodically. Not visit and kiss babies and shake crusted hands, but actually live in a cheap apt. built in the mid-1900's w/brown water and a rusted stove, cockroaches for pets and homeless people begging for quarters, nowhere near an arcade. You retards will spring into action outside of the country, how about helping the people in DC sleeping on heating grates? Spring into action there you stupid fucks.

This whole world is one big clusterfuck. It's def no wonder the USA is the laughing stock of the it. What am I doing to change it? Aside from inner turmoil and the occasional spiteful rambling not much of anything. I guess I'm a hypocrite. Either that or I haven't found the right path of attack, or I don't have enough power to attack yet. I'll never go to jail though. The day I'm about to go to jail is the day I blow my brains out instead.

Yes, it took me a long time to control tilt at the table, to let random beats slide off like ice on rubber, and yes if you read any of my blog posts and see how insane I sound, you should realize that there's hope for you as well if you tilt a lot. If i can do it, you can most definitely do it!

Btw send more HH's please. jaguar@deucescracked.com or pm me. GG peeps.

Want some free coaching from me? Send me hand histories!

FenderJaguar — Fri, 26 Aug 2011 00:50:20 +0000

I would prefer them to be in a format that works with popopopopopoppop's replayer. Something standard. Anything from 25NL+ is cool in 6 max or FR, just make sure that it's not a very basic spot or something you can find the answer to pretty easily. Include the following:

1. the hand history (obv!)

2. any reads on villain

3. your thought process (what/why/naked bitches)

4. any additional info you feel is relevant.

I'm going to be using some of these to make short vids and build content for my upcoming site freepokercoaching.net.

I won't get to every hand, and I won't be responding to you directly, they'll be posted on FPC. if I choose your hand I'll try to email you and give you a heads up but no promises.

Tentative launch date at this point is October 1st if all pans out.

So Much Drama in the OLP.

FenderJaguar — Sat, 13 Aug 2011 03:13:47 +0000

Everyone is as crooked as an Earth-sized abstract painting. As jagged as a landfill full of broken glass. I know we should care and punish and the ultimate end all is that there should be consequences to actions, something tangible to show accountability. The reality is there isn't. There's only knowledge of and self-protective recognition. When a man is full of himself and believes he's sweet like the Kool-Aid Man's baby sauce he's often just as blind. Wrapped up like an exquisite bunch of grapes in a vinyl green sheath waiting for some Roman God to kindly come and feast, to feel the touch of silken skin and watch the lust in royal eyes. It is quite clear that mirrors cannot lie, and crystal is transparent. Likewise, the murky shadows of a dimly lit swamp can often confuse travelers. The musky fog that rides quietly above the pattering surface is filled with self-centered momentum.

In the end our shoulders shrug and we peel those same blankets over our weary heads. Unlike the Christmas candy canes that dance and summon butterflies we rest uneasy, drifting from one uncomfortable thought to the next until our eyes settle on someone we love, or something we care about, in the darkness. We cannot believe, though we cannot concern, and a new day begins. Much like the previous there are woes and ahh's with bacon and cold orange juice. The cut hasn't healed but the bandage is good for at least another 17 hours, or until we scrape it off in hasty exit of our shampoo colored vehicle.

Not even sure what I'm getting at in this post to be honest. It's something like focus on what's important to you and live your life full of things that you love and are passionate about. The key to happiness lies within you, not in some foreign land. Every day our society becomes more oppressive. Every day the people in power are dumber and more powerful. Every day the hard working must stretch like a prisoner on a rack to achieve peace and rest. Every day death is creeping down the hallway of your life. Spark your passion like a violent lightning, and never give up or give in. Where there's a problem, there's a solution. As above, so below.

Oh and our Youtube page is nearly done. What do ya'll think?

http://www.youtube.com/user/freepokercoaching

SECRET LOVE POWER GOD PASSWORD NOW

FenderJaguar — Wed, 03 Aug 2011 13:04:14 +0000

These are words that emit a high emotional response. Either that or they were cool in the movie Hackers. The real point of you clicking this blog post is to check out a sneak preview, a video intro for a project of mine. Something you may be interested in now, or in the future when it launches :) Feel free to share any thoughts/ideas/opinions/beliefs/assaults/thrashes/bashes/mashes (potato only plz no sour). You feel me knockin'? Well lemme in!

Summer coaching rate drop!

FenderJaguar — Tue, 12 Jul 2011 20:20:38 +0000

I have a few extra hours floating around for coaching. It's summertime and I'm stuck to the AC, not the molten pavement. I'm still working on the poker project mentioned in my last blog post and it's coming closer to fruition. I'll have more updates soon and I think it's going to be really sweet. It could also smash my balls but that's not really my style. My ball vpip increases with bitches in the blinds and heavily decreases with dudes mouths sauntering around. Anyway here's the groove....
1. You have to pm me and mention this blog or email DC and mention this blog for this rate. 2. You have to agree to have the sessions recorded and maybe posted on a website. 3. I'll need a screenshot of you defeating Mike Tyson in Mike Tyson's Punch-Out!!
Rates are as follows:
1 hour - $75
4 hours - $275
First come, first served capped at 8 students. Cheap cheap. (I guess we can pass on the Tyson screenshot.)

If you're a beginner please read this & respond!

FenderJaguar — Sun, 05 Jun 2011 22:08:49 +0000

I'm working on something that's going to be beneficial to players of all skill levels but especially for beginners and intermediate players.

What I'd like to know from all ya'll beginners out there (both live and online) is what topics you find the most daunting? What troubles you the most? I could obviously think about what I think the biggest leaks/issues beginners have are but I'd like to know straight from the source. If anyone else would like to chime in on what they think that's definitely cool as well. I think you guys will enjoy this when it comes to fruition. :)

Cheap Group Coaching

FenderJaguar — Tue, 17 May 2011 20:28:38 +0000

Running a couple more groups.

http://www.deucescracked.com/forums/19-Coaching/238911-6mNLHE-Group-Coaching?page=4&per_page=15

How many difficult decisions are you faced with per session on average?

FenderJaguar — Sun, 15 May 2011 03:54:49 +0000

I'm set up on Merge at the moment, and though the software isn't as clean cut as FTP's it's by far more reasonable than some other sites I've played on in the past. Though I do miss ballin' out with a bagel or a cigar next to me ala Paradise Poker days. (I was playing 25NL at the time, and my SN was Sea Monkey :D) I actually like the site, and obviously there's not a lot of traffic at the stakes I'm playing but when the games are good and not shit, they're the equivalent of like 100NL on FTP. The other day I actually saw someone limp. They limped! Today there was a guy moving all-in every hand :D That was sweet too.

I've been kinda quiet since the whole Black Friday thing happened. This is out of the fear that a blog post from me may attract more attention than I'm interested in attracting, since we all know that I tend to run my mouth to the extreme, I rock a mic like a vandal.

If anything this whole ordeal has shown me how important it is for me to get myself grinding while I still have a chance. Reading Jared Tendler's new book (which I snap ordered and am already familiar with a lot of what he's saying from farming his videos in the Stoxpoker days, I've always been a huge JTend fan) and thinking about what stops me and what starts me etc. I had kind of an epiphany. Well, it's not that epic but for other players like myself who don't put volume in for whatever reason, aside from starting a Fight Club style support group, it may be a useful piece of information. That's what this game is all about anyway right?

Are you ready for it? Shut the whiny kids up, put your girls bra back on (you can just hold it there for a sec), turn down the TV and the movies because it's a doosy.

I want you to ask yourself a question. How many times in the average session of poker that you play, are you faced with a truly difficult decision? This is obviously going to be different for everyone but on average how many times? I know that when I play I'm faced with few truly tough decisions per session. What qualifies as a tough decision is obviously variable and up for debate but it should consist of a decision that you had a hard time making, or a situation that you're not familiar with. I don't want to take this to the extreme to where people are saying "well if you don't have any tough decisions, you've stopped learning and maybe you should take a step back." There will clearly be a lot of spots where the % of the time we make one decision or the other is very neck-and-neck, and depending on our level of play, thought process, approach to the game etc. level of focus etc. etc. etc. all that jazz, we may make the wrong decision more than we should.

Basically I'm saying that the things that come naturally to you when you're playing you've internalized and learned well. Like raising AA preflop or folding 72. They're no brainers right? So from the scope of no brainer raises to no brainer folds, calls, whatever. They're that way because of experience. So while someone who plays 1KNL may drop down and LOL at his situations at 25NL, someone at 25NL may have a lot more stop and think/decide situations come up, lack of experience, too many tables, lack of focus, insert the laundry list of reasons here. The bottom line though, is that on average you probably don't have that many tough decisions per session that you play. What does that mean? It means there's a lack of effort in the non-poker decision variables. For example, I hate bothering to table select. I still bounce from total shit tables and look for the donator, but it's annoying to me to find and wait and bla bla bla, even starting tables you sit for inf. This process negates my ability to play because I don't want to jump the hurdle. It's a poor excuse but it's part of the problem for me personally. I know I know, tough fucking life, gotta game select a fish, boo fucking hoo. For some people they may hate reviewing sessions, or tilt too fast, or table selecting like me, or something else that's not the actual decision making process. Because let us face it :) You aren't faced with that many difficult decisions on a per sessions basis. Which brings me to a couple of other points.

It's easier to pinpoint what your having trouble with. If it's not something you don't know you're doing wrong, no matter how hard it is to convince you that you may be making a mistake, if you think it's correct, your mind is comfortable with it. You're at ease taking those lines, making those bets/folds/raises. If it's something you're actively working on, or that you're constantly uncomfortable with. Take a look at those HH's and see if you can find a common issue (or ask someone else, but don't tell them you're looking for patterns if you don't think they can objectively help you). Are you constantly readless? Are you always misplaying overpairs on later streets? Whatever it is, this information is the most useful for you. Draw from this.

It's easier to focus on those tough decisions once you know and recognize that you're not faced with many per session (on average remember, sometimes the waves of variance are going to choke you the fuck out regardless).

It's easier to start sessions and put volume in once you realize that there isn't this wall of death bleeding brain warping decisions at you relentlessly. Most of your session can be pretty relaxed and focused.

It's easier to work on the non-poker parts of your game that are holding you back, because you're becoming aware of them.

So get out of the mire, the dregs of session to session sorrow, and see if this helps at all. It's helped me, now I just need to increase the length of sessions :) One step at a time in my lifelong battle.

A word on adjusting to your opponents. I was rambling to a student the other day and went off on a tangent. I learn well visually, and logically. When I'm shown something I can replicate it and understand why nigh immediately. I may not be awesome at it at first, but I'm well on my way. It connects for me in that sense. Everyone learns differently, some may learn better from books. Which bore me and make a great sleeping aid (not all the time, but a high % of the time books are sleep material for me). Imagine for a minute that you have various aspects of your poker game laid out on a control center. When you sit down to play a session, you have your control center in front of you and one pops up for each opponent, like a HUD. Based on their play, you turn those dials up or down to take advantage of and exploit. So if you know one player calls turns too much, that leads to a weak river range, and he folds to much there and doesn't bluff-catch enough, you turn up the triple barreling dial, and may turn down the knob that controls the hands that have no equity on the turn or the worst equity hands that you get there with, to a point. I would say it's a lot like a guitar player and his amp or effects pedals, or a painter mixing paints for specific colors. Think about something you're good at, that you have this kind of control of. Now think about how it relates to poker and adjusting to opponents. Next time you're playing a session view that control grid, one guy 3b's too much you open less/4b bluff more/4b lighter for value etc. etc. whatever tools from the kit that you want to use, until you face another knob that needs tuning. Apologies if this sounds like the babbling of a madman but this stuff really helps me, and may help some of you.

One more thing that's been coming up a lot in poker discussion. Actually nah I'm going to write about that in another blog. So the focal point of this one isn't lost. :D

Discounted Coaching!

FenderJaguar — Sun, 17 Apr 2011 19:08:51 +0000

I've reduced my coaching rate to $125 an hour from $200 and you can get 4 hours for $400. So if you've wanted coaching from me but couldn't afford it, here's a tasty potential 50% discount. This discount is inspired by a lack of ability to play on FTP/Stars. If I end up getting settled in at a smaller site this rate will increase again.

The End of Days....

FenderJaguar — Sat, 16 Apr 2011 12:09:32 +0000

For me I need to meditate to bring back my focus and wash my soul in a soothing wave. Otherwise my pure blue flame of hatred for corporations, big guvz, and the ignorant American fucks that aid them in turning their wheel may consume me, and if that were to happen I'd expect violence. Life is so much more than a fucking guv. Life transcends these cocksuckers, and in that transcension we each have a path to enlightenment. We don't know when we'll find that path or which direction that path will take us, but it's ours, and no entity can take that away from us unless we let them. The people are currently zombies, brainwashed, ignorant, apathetic, don't know any better or don't care anymore. We need to spark that star, awaken the glow of knowledge within. The power is dormant and neutralized but it's always there waiting.

If the guv doesn't have its dick in something, getting that cream, that green un papel jizzed all over its bitch ass mouth or if something isn't empowering its whoreporations it tries to expunge it. Online poker is a huge threat because it empowers the people. When the people succeed the guv fails. It wants you to break even, it wants to shove middle class to poverty and upper class to the sky. When you can sleep all day and take months off at a time and love your life and the freedom you have to pursue other interests and gain knowledge because you're not handcuffed to this cocksucking rat race existence, the automated guv approved life model for you, the guv has to shut that down. People may start thinking for themselves. They may start realizing that big brother needs to himself be shut down and minimalized. Wake the fuck up.

I need a 6-max ssnl player for a project!

FenderJaguar — Thu, 07 Apr 2011 13:37:42 +0000

http://www.deucescracked.com/forums/34-Small-Stakes-Shorthanded-NL/topics/375291-Need-a-6-max-ssnl-player-

BRAINSTORM! (pt2?)

FenderJaguar — Thu, 17 Mar 2011 07:52:15 +0000

Very often our emotions flood our brains in times of pressure, suspense, or stress. Often we can make a decision so fast while multitabling, that we don't even realize what we did until after things calm down, or upon the evening's review. It's a psychological breaking point, where the level of sanity fever pitches beyond rational thought, flirting with whimsical process and murky logic. At first we're like....

And then we're like....

We can avoid all of this though, at least most of the time. If we take a logical approach to swimming through the oceans of a hand. If we're constantly evaluating variables based on the entire traffic of information we're presented with, we're less likely to drown in the switching tide.

FUCK THE FUCK YES

It's SO true

It's HIGHLY likely

mmm, it's very likely

it's likely

it's kinda unlikely

it's very unlikely

it's HIGHLY unlikely

Never in a million

NO WAY ASSWIPE!

When you're thinking about variables in poker, you can assign them a likelihood, and without better or more pure information, put all of your likely/unlikely variables together to arrive at the best decision you can make with the info you have. It's not like you put all that shit in a hat and VOILA! You weigh it like a scale. You bake it like a cake. You sex it like a Bilo. HE GET IT!

It's a fucking labyrinth, and the more you jog it, the easier it is to find your way home. Bluffs, value bets, value bluffs, value calls, 911 emergency calls, xxx calls, psychic advisor (rigged? rabbit hunt? hittin' that flush bitch?) If you think, if YOU THINK (read it again) IF YOU THINK!!!!

You can process the information before making your decision. I know this sounds simple, and I know it sounds simple, but lets be completely honest here, THINK MCFLY, THINK!

Is he more likely to be bluffing or value betting? What hands does he represent? Would he have played those hands this way based on what I know about him? DOES HE EVEN HAVE THAT IN HIS RANGE??? When beginners and ssnl guys start to get better at hand reading they always look at a board texture and have all possible hands in their opponents range. Board could be like Kd 6h 3c and they'll have 45s in a TAG opponent's range, after he flatcalled a button open in the sb. THIS IS RIDICULOUS. The VAST majority of the time that hand is being 3b or folded, and mostly folded. Likewise on that same board if you know your opponent would 3b AK, KQ, KJs and the like, and rarely flat w/o a good reason (IE fish in the blinds behind) he doesn't hit this board very often, so when he plays back at you that should tell you something. You tell me what that should tell you. So yeah, just because a hand is present on the board, doesn't mean THIS opponent has it in his range, doesn't mean THIS opponent would have played it this way if he did have it, doesn't mean you should make wild and zany adjustments or freak out.

I know a lot of what I'm saying lately in vids or blogs is supporting not very fancy, kinda straightforwardish play. I'm not saying that's the whole of the law so mote it be, I'm saying that's the basis, that's your doorway, which hall you walk down is up to you.

OK so despite all these sweet ass pics and stuff I kinda feel like I MAY be beating a dead horse. Or maybe I've hit the lost focus part of my rambling. NEXT!

Pay attention to what your opponents show down. Pay attention when you're not in hands. Focus on what hands they call or 3b with from what positions, what hands they flat with OOP and show down, basically do w/e the fuck you can to get a good feel for THIS player's preflop game. This is going to help you read his hands postflop. Everyone is different, so if you're going to adjust rather quickly you need to feel your opponent's out some, get an idea of how they think, what they like, their favorite cologne or lipstick (yeah a lot of your opponents wear lipstick, you guess why :D). Every piece of information you get, is actually a stepping stone to more information. If he does X with X part of his range, X line from him is gaining or lacking X. If you cbet 732r vs. a flatcaller OOP, and you bet a K turn and check back a 3 river, if he shows up with 88, or KQ, or 77, you've received a lot of information. If he had 88 he calls again with pairs when he thinks you're just barreling. What does this mean? It means when you get to the river vs. this player on boards similar to this, his range is much weaker than you probably perceive it, and you should probably fire a 3rd barrel with both bluffs, obv value bets, and thin value bets. Pretend the river was a T and not a 3, and you had AT. Do you check back because you have showdown value? Do you value bet? If you bet do you fold or call vs. a raise? There are so many path's and directions a hand can play out, you HAVE to prepare earlier in the hand, you have to prepare with reads and possible adjustments, if you want to have an edge. Do you want an edge? Do you see all the posts where guys at 5NL are wondering about 4b bluffs? What the fuck does that tell you about where those games are headed? So back to the AT example, if you know your opponent would fold his 88 7x type of hands (if he even has 7x, see preflop info!) and gives you credit when you bet that K turn, that strengthens his range on the river, and you may just be value betting into Kx floats or slowplayed sets. If he calls again on the turn and is not a believer, depending on board texture, he's going to have a lot of pairs that are left wondering if you have it or if you're just triple barreling. If it was a board where he would have worse Tx hands that were draws it becomes an even easier value bet. If he's a fish that has way more straight draw and bad 7x pairs in his range, it becomes an even easier value bet. If you bet your T for value and get shoved on, well now you have variables to look at. How does he perceive your range? Does he think you're weak or strong when you take this line? Does he think you are capable of folding 1 pair hands to a shove? How would he have played the hands he's repping with this line? Does he even have all of the sets on board? Would he have improved to a better hand in another way, like a backdoor flush etc. This is just the icing on the thoughtcake but you see what I'm saying. Instead of just being like OH FUCK WHAT DO I DO?!?!?!?! or FUCK IT I CALL, or FUCK IT I FOLD, think diligently, weigh the variables, bake that fucking variable cake, and see what you come up with. If he has KQ or 77 you get more info, but I'm too lazy atm to go through the entirety of all that jazz. You feel me knockin'? Well lemme in!

BRAINSTORMMMMMM!!!!

OK I'm done for now, prob ship more later :)

OH and um, shout out to the Magic card Brainstorm, OG style. :DÂ

BRAINSTORM!

FenderJaguar — Tue, 15 Mar 2011 13:25:41 +0000

My blog is riddled with lightning bolts from my brain. Incoherent rambling jagged in direction and employing no entrance or departure. This post is going to be no different, but a little bit different. Today I kinda feel like talking about thinking. I'm going to give you a little bit of insight as to how I think through poker hands. While non-NL players may find some wisdom here, this is by far and large focusing directly on the landscape of NLHE. Think of yourself as a spec of dirt in the middle of an ocean of desert. Yes an ocean of desert, much like this....

Yeah so there you are, a spec of dirt next to shai-hulud's balls. What I mean is that there's SO much fucking information to process in NLHE that it's very hard to get a fluid grasp on where to begin. What I mean by fluid is just that, a process that flow's static. Information that you look at every single time you're involved in a hand. But before I get into that further I'd like to point out one of the things I feel holds people back. Now if you're not insane much like myself or Mr. Rosenkrantz, you are already at a disadvantage learning poker. The reason is that you are rigid in your thinking. You learn something as gospel and never change or are unable to easily change your opinion, in short you don't like change, you like "knowing" something and not having to adjust it. Now you'll probably say "but listen here FenderJaguar I work on my game all the time and I definitely try to change and get better". I'm not talking about the well of knowledge that you have access to, and I'm not talking about the mathematics of poker, while relevant in the overall they are irrelevant in this blog post. There is a very high % of people who have been watching training video's since ALMOST day 1 who still play 25NL to 100NL and could never quite jump the hump. There's a reason why that is. Your pool of information may be vast compared to your ability to wield that information. Why is that? It's simply because you aren't open minded to receive a better play and you don't think about all of the variables enough of the time to take a better line, or plan a line from the get-go. So free your mind, be willing to break outside of your comfortable box and give yourself a chance to gain enlightenment.

I go through this with students all the time so you're getting some freebie coaching here. Every single hand that you play, you are provided with information. The basics of that information come from easy to catch things like stack size, where the fish is positioned, who squeezes a lot behind you, how tight or loose someone is from X position etc. etc. and even now I'll bet not a lot of you are thinking about all of these things all of the time and beyond. A hand of poker is like a picture. It's art. Limit poker is closer to a science, but NLHE is by far an art. What colors, who has the paintbrush, and how long it's going to take to dry are all variable. Beyond those easy to recognize variables there are many small but very significant pieces of information traveling past you EVERY FUCKING SECOND YOU PLAY. It's your job, your responsibility, to gather this information and change your play (which may mean not changing it at all) to take the best advantage you can. You are provided with situations both unique and similar, some are easy, some are hard, and some may require a very tough decision. Maybe it's so tough that you asked a lot of people after that play higher or posted on some forums etc. and people are split as to whether or not it was right to pop the bubble or squeeze the cheek. Everything that's good or bad is such because there's something to compare it to. You need something to compare your play to. A lot of the time it will be easy because you can easily identify what makes it good or bad, based on math or hand strength or what you know about your opponent. It's the rest of the time that you need as much info as possible to use. Delicate and intricate, these decisions very often hold a lot of value because it's usually later street play and there's usually a stack or a very nice medium sized pot at stake. Closing your eyes and folding or calling will not yield the best results.

OK so some of that is probably sloppy but I think you get the idea. To take it a step further, you need to think ahead. Think about what motivates your specific opponent psychologically, and what he may be likely to do with different strengths of hands on different boards. If you don't have that information, GATHER it, and use game theory or w/e other reads you have to make the best play you can until you have that information. What you should NOT do is start giving people a thought process they don't have, or giving people hands and reads and lines and trees and chocolate covered gas tanks and wallabee's (wtf is a wallabeeeeeee???) potpurri smells so nice when it's burning hot cranberries over a nice cup of cider. Because if you apply false information to your decisions, though you may be right sometimes, it's going to be super high variance and you're likely to be wrong a whole hell of a lot. SOoooOoOoo in short, slow down, take it one step at a time, and pay attention to everything.

So in an attempt to kinda organize some of this we'll say.....

1. Look at all variables all of the time in each and every hand you play. Start with the players in the hand with you and what their preflop range by position may be. Pay attention to anyone who may slowplay or is overly loose so you can have a more accurate picture of ranges postflop. If your opp has AA or 47s in their range YOU WANT TO KNOW IT and account for it.

2. Think ahead. Think about what turn or river cards are good for you or them, think about what your plan is for the turn and the river on the flop. Plan shit out and don't let yourself get caught in tricky spots without at least considering how it could go down to begin with. If you get used to thinking ahead when you ACTUALLY face tough decisions or get in situations where you'll "deal with it when it happens" you'll have more time to actually think, you'll be further ahead in your thought process, more time to think = better decisions, and you KNOW where better decisions leads....

3. All of the information we've used in 1 and 2 will lead us to a lot of questions later in hands. Should I value bet? Should I check back? Should I call this shove? Should I call this bet? Don't get involved emotionally with your actual hand. Swap it around and pretend you have air if you have the nuts, vice versa, think about whether or not you think it's a good spot to bluff or value bet (assumption here is making the best play w/o regards to balance or an opponent you feel you have to balance against, to get to the point where you're reacting to your perceived range and feeling out whose a believer and who isn't etc. etc. you must first get used to thinking correctly about their hands and making the best plays you can). Think about whether or not your opponent is bluffing or value betting, and if anything makes more sense than something else based on his previous streets play or any info you have. As you can see shit changes a lot based on the information you have on your opponent. While I could cite you some extremely wide and easy to answer/recognize scenario's, you get the picture i hope.

http://www.deucescracked.com/forums/17-Mid-Stakes-Shorthanded-NL/360351-Interesting-river-decisio

Here's an example anyway. I posted this hand because I thought the river was interesting, but that's not why I'm linking it here, I'm linking it because I'm sure a lot of you, if not a very high %, if not most would think I'm insane for c/r'ing this flop, also I'm sure a lot of you would fold to the minraise. This is what I mean by comparing your play to something. Firstly, I know that my opponent is minraising nearly every button. I do that myself a high % of the time so I know what my range looks like, and I know how I proceed postflop and vs. 3b's etc. I'm sure my opponent isn't the same, but I've played a lot with him and I know what my plan is postflop :) It definitely starts with calling and 3b'ing a wider range preflop. Without giving too much away read-wise, when I c/r this flop a solid opponent reading hands well will probably think I 3b AA KK and AK, putting me squarely on 44, flush draws, maybe A4s, and gutshots/air. So why am I c/ring? Vs. a different opponent who was more straightforward, or I had less history with, I would just c/c the flop. I can get more barrels out of his air trying to fold me off of a K, or I can lead the river when he checks back and get called by a K or a weaker Ax sometimes (yes I know not everyone cbets Kx here but a lot of people still do to make it easy to play or vs. players that don't c/r a lot blah blah blah, not saying whether or not that's correct), but in general I can represent a wider and weaker range, and predictably my opponent will fall into the barrel you or give up on you categories and if I did c/r the flop I'm more likely to get that kind of opponent to play "face up" I don't expect there's a lot of value to be had or induced vs. that type of guy. Vs. a player like villain in this hand however, who is more intense and will act more on his reads and my range, I like a c/r. I think he's capable of 3b'ing worse for value, I think he'll almost always call or 3b a flush draw, never fold a K if he cbet it and he'll be willing to 3b bluff me with gutshots and float/do cool fps stuff on later streets etc. etc.

Moral of the story: in a vac this c/r looks poor, because your average guy isn't spazzing out enough vs. it, his range isn't wide enough to gain value, his lines of play aren't fancy enough to earn loot from, but vs. a specific opponent you have solid reads on, whose range will eclipse the inflection point of hands that beat you equity-wise a high % of the time, this play is just like Chris.... Moneymaker! So as I stated earlier in this post, free your mind. Break open the egg that is your poker brain and lets fry up that thought process until it's ready to eat eh?

Another good thing to do is quit when you're losing focus, which is what I'm doing now. Everything is washing together like a snowglobe so I'm done. I hope you had fun too :) I hope I can write more later :D

Ohhhhhhh yeah last thing I want to say that goes with all of this is TAKE BETTER FUCKING NOTES. So many of my students/friends are like, meh I take a few notes, meh I do it later after the session, meh I drink bleach. I mean, the information is your best friend, it's free money because it's free adjustments. Lets say we take a dark long hallway, and throw a stack of razorblades down it. You're naked, you have to jog down the hallway, but you have the option to turn small lights on as you go (say you answer a very easy question like, what's your name). Do you just jog without answering the questions? Or do you freeroll the light? You're probably still going to get cut regardless, but you'll get cut far less when you can see what's under your feet. That's one sweet ass example :D hahaha. Now if you'll Eggscuse me I'm going to go Eggsert myself playing my Eggsbox.

Wonderwheel etc.

FenderJaguar — Sat, 12 Mar 2011 08:45:56 +0000

The hands that Full Tilt Poker is presenting me with lately, I feel like they belong on my porch on Halloween. I started off my triumphant return to 5/10 losing flips and washed that down with an 8 BI downer at 2/4 FR rush (I was on waitlists for 2/4 to 5/10 for like FUCKING EVER. Yes I was trying to start tables as well. So I was like FUCK it, PABST BLUE RIBBON! I'll play some rush. Worst idea I've ever had, game is the nut low, not only is it a nit/cooler fest, but it semi-neutralizes my poker strengths. IE hand reading and adjusting to players, setting stuff up for later etc.) I still splashed a bit o' jazz around though....

Full Tilt Poker $2/$4 No Limit Hold'em - 9 players - View hand 1227556
DeucesCracked Poker Videos Hand History Converter

UTG: $224.40
UTG+1: $191.40
UTG+2: $1174.50
MP1: $196.70
MP2: $1277.85
CO: $678.60
BTN: $361.40
Hero (SB): $444.10
BB: $561.00

Pre Flop: ($6.00) Hero is SB with Q A
2 folds, UTG+2 raises to $12, MP1 calls $12, 3 folds, Hero raises to $52, 2 folds, MP1 calls $40

Flop: ($120.00) 8 4 2(2 players)
Hero bets $46, MP1 calls $46

Turn: ($212.00) 3(2 players)
Hero requests TIME, Hero checks, MP1 checks

River: ($212.00) 7(2 players)
Hero checks, MP1 bets $92, Hero requests TIME, Hero calls $92

Final Pot: $396.00
MP1 shows J A (Ace Jack high)
Hero shows Q A (Ace Queen high)
Hero wins $393.00
(Rake: $3.00)

Villain is your standard weak and predictable player, when he calls the flop (note my sizing) and checks the turn he's pretty much face up A high. Almost always if he has a pair or better he's putting money in on the turn. So when he thinks a sec and bets the river it's like, weeeeeeeeee!!!! :D I can afford dinner now :)

Scratch that, takes like 6 years to get any money from FTP. It's dark these days, very dark.

So anyway, sometimes a downswing makes you think and review and ponder until your eyes begin to bleed and HEM is a vortex of maniacal laughter crushing your aching skull to dust. Annnnnnnnd sometimes a downswing is like the common one I'm currently experiencing, where you just shake your head and walk away from your computer like you just got scammed at the local fair by some fat carnie with snot in his beard and food stains on his thick orange leathery arm skin. The kind of skin with really bad old tattoo's made out of dark once black but now blue ink that's all blurry. You can kinda make out a titty, sorta. Not sure where this is going to be honest, just gibber jabbering like any normal schizophrenic nutcase.

Yes villain I triple barreled you. Your range is too wide OOP, just chill beavis, this is 5/10.

Full Tilt Poker $5/$10 No Limit Hold'em - 6 players - View hand 1227559
DeucesCracked Poker Videos Hand History Converter

SB: $1253.00
BB: $1578.00
UTG: $1206.75
MP: $600.00
CO: $1133.00
Hero (BTN): $1153.00

Pre Flop: ($15.00) Hero is BTN with 5 A
3 folds, Hero raises to $30, 1 fold, BB calls $20

Flop: ($65.00) 2 J T(2 players)
BB checks, Hero bets $45, BB calls $45

Turn: ($155.00) 3(2 players)
BB checks, Hero bets $120, BB requests TIME, BB calls $120

River: ($395.00) 6(2 players)
BB checks, Hero bets $300, BB requests TIME, BB folds

Final Pot: $395.00
Hero wins $392.00
(Rake: $3.00)

I recently found out that Reebok has the Pump for sale again. That's fucking awesome. I expect Generra to run out some Hypercolor shirts too just for the hell of it. Pumps were the most comfortable sneakers I'd ever worn. I'm def going to get some custom made. They won't be any ballin' Dani kicks but hey, man wants as an adult what he had and lost as a child. Like Jolt Cola and New York Seltzer.

I've been playing a bunch of magic online lately, mostly legacy. So if anyone wants to run some matches let me know!

Oh and if you haven't seen this place, www.heartattackgrill.com you have to check it out. I'm sure all the euro kids will get a big kick out of it :) Reinforcing the view of stereotypical Americans :D

Bat time/Bat channel etc.

Deranged Purple Dinosaur Confesses to Satanic Worship (and other fine stories)

FenderJaguar — Mon, 28 Feb 2011 15:26:06 +0000

It was a cold winter morning. The sun was like a cannon shooting lava over my eyes. I was bumbling around blinded trying to reach our magical rocketship (this obviously means beat up dusty old car that barely works and has a high % of breaking down) first when I realized that nobody had called shotgun. In a raspy coffee stained voice I gargled "SHOT... cough cough GUNNNNNNN. HOLY FUCK, shotgun motherfuckers!" We piled in like sardines, the tin was folded down, and we took off on our journey....

The first thing we did was try to get warm. The ice coated metal car kept temperature very well, and the heat sputtered and staggered and smelled like a cross between dead rodent and warm urine. After holding my breath to the point of almost passing out multiple times, it was time to put the finishing touches on my decklist.

I was playing Necro-Donate for this Pro Tour Qualifier. Pretty much my favorite deck in the history of Magic. Necropotence is my favorite card outside of Moxes, Black Lotus, and Beta Island (the light blue pic, not the one with a mango sky or the pink one.) Affectionately known as Trix, you can look around the interwebs and find a list and history of this beast. For those of you who know nothing about Magic, do your best to enjoy the rest of the story. The rest of the people in our car were playing stuff like Stasis and Counter/Sliver, and they were trying to tech out against Donate. I say if you can't beat them, join them (not always, but sometimes!).

We were traveling from South Carolina to Daddy Jim's Cards and Comics in High Point, NC. (Daddy Jim was a crazy old hillbilly kind of a guy with a heart of gold. He was hilarious as well. He was always tryin' to get people to swallow goldfish for packs, shave their head for packs, stand on a chair and do something embarrassing for packs, lots of fun stuff that you'd never see again at a PTQ honestly.) Back then it was hard to qualify for the Pro Tour, and there weren't a ton of GP's and 5k's every weekend. You couldn't just slide in on rating that easily, and you couldn't get freerolled an invite because you worked with Richard Simmons or because every Magic writer makes references to poker (jesus christ stfu), and you happened to have a handful of chips. *sidenote* look, if you're a Magic player and a lowstakes poker donk, just stop with the Rounders references in every single article, the shit is old, played out, you need something fresh, maybe start making MMA references or something. SOMETHING. I do however condone Patrick Chapin's use of any references from anything he likes. But he's the guy. He's the man, the dude, I'm talkin' about the Innovator here. Someone ship the Sioux City Sasparilla imo. Anyway, you actually had to win a Pro Tour Qualifier in those days. People were coming from all over the place for that 1 slot, which made it much harder. In one of the first PTQ's in which I top 8'd (Tempest Block Sealed Deck, ship the Spontaneous Combustion imo) there was some dude from France. I was like, wtf are you doing here????? He had his traveling suitcase and everything. I expected him to say "Royale w/Cheese" and grin, instead he said "Le PTQ, Kwa Li Fyyyyyyy" I shook my head and went back to babbling with friends. Magic was so surreal back then, or at least it felt that way. It felt like something Jimi's guitar would say. Mystical, ethereal, drenched in a purple haze (and probably high as a motherfucker too).

So yeah it probably sounds like I'm bobbling in and out of consciousness as I drift from one memory or story to the other in a whirlwind of spotless mind. Now I have to find the eternal sunshine. We got to High Point, NC and had rub a dub dub thanks for the grub at a cafe called Jennifer's. It was local but it was damn good, as made apparent by the amount of pancake I had stuck to my face after hoovering the pile. It was still freezing so travel time between building and car was minimal. We got to the site and there was a stack of people lined up outside, apparently Daddy Jim was late today. He was never late, so this to me was a sign from the gods. Today was going to be weird and they knew it, and now I knew it, because I was the only one insane enough to interpret it that way. Most people thought it was traffic.

Daddy Jim's was an awkward place to play because they had boxes upon boxes of comic books stuck in the back room. You had no room for the most part, you were playing on comic book boxes stuck so intimately that if you decided to scratch your ass you'd be giving someone else a hand job. None-the-less as Wayne and Garth say, GAME ON! ehh Wayne and Garth. It'd be much better if I could work it into a Clerks reference and be like DON'T PASS TO THIS GUY, HE SUCKS.... YOU SUCK! Alas there was no Gatorade and this part of my story failed.

Sometime during the day I was chillin' on a bench midstore and noticed a kid sleeping on the ground. At least he appeared to be sleeping. As I floated away on thoughts of nut draws and opponents scooping, I noticed that his skin was turning blue. As I was getting up to notify Jim, his skin was turning purple. Just like that haze I was talking about earlier, damn JImi and his guitar know what's up. People started rushing over to and around this kid as he was purple and foaming at the mouth. No he wasn't a deranged Barney come to eat the children and confess to satanic worship, his friends let us know that he was having an epileptic seizure and the most important thing was making sure he didn't swallow his tongue. Unfortunately we had no cats in the area, so we had to get the medics. Kid ended up OK and the tournament successfully continued but what the fuck, how often does someone turn purple in front of you :(

I chopped the last round of the tournament with Sol Malka despite having made deckbuilding mistakes and having no out for Elvish Lyrist (again non-magic people try to roll with me, lets just say that instead of drawing so that I could make top 8 of the tournament, Sol could have Sol crushed me because my decklist was being freerolled by his, he could have crushed me on the easy. Of course this would be a good plan if he knew we'd play in the top 8.) I lost in the top 8 to Matt Ranks and his Oath of Druids deck. My sideboarded Negators and Wastelands did not do the trick :)

After the tournament was over, dusk had descended upon us and brought his friends thunder, rain, and lightning (much like the three storms in Big Trouble in Little China. FYI, they were the inspiration for Mortal Kombat. themoreyouknow.jpg).

The rain was so intense that we couldn't see whilst driving. We decided that this previously ice-armored tank needed to be put down for the evening. As we approached the road all of the motel's were on in this city, we had no idea what we were about to experience. We cruised in cold and wet and we're like "we'll take a room please, any you have!" (rain causes a spike in business for a lot of industries, such as the pizza and the motel. yes the pizza, when I worked at Pizza Hut and it was raining we'd have to take the phone's off the hook sometimes because we were flooded with too many orders. THAT'S RIGHT FUCKERS, IT WAS TRULY OFF THE HOOK!) The lady behind the counter took a look at us and was like "No way, ya'll look suspect. I'm not renting you a room...." We obviously all looked at each other in confusion and a melting pot of anger and disappointment, just like you'd see in this part of a movie. We asked why, begged, and promised her we weren't randomly dangerous (which was mostly true) but to no avail. OK FUCK IT (yes, fuck it, your motel stay is over mr. leather, THE MAGIC PLAYERS LOST!) We hustled our way down the line to the next motel. This time we tried to play it crafty, and just sent one of us in. The lady behind this counter was much different, but she saw through our plan in that she walked over to the window to spy the car running and people in it. At first she was like, no I'm not going to give you a room, and I was like, why not? Why on earth not? Well, apparently she had received a PHONE CALL from the fucking idiot at the first motel. What a rotten crone foaming prune hag. DAMN IT! I took all of my charms from their box and put them on. She caved to my sweet smile and decided it was OK, since it was so bad outside. I thanked her and we hit the room. We couldn't sleep, and had a box of Korean 4th Edition that was desperately in need of being rochester drafted. The night was long, the storm was strong. When morning hit the SAME THING that happened the previous morning happened, coffee stained gargling and everything. Except this time we were on the way home.

I wonder sometime's (since I don't travel as much as I used to, and rarely hit the wsop etc.) if I'm missing out this kind of fun these days. Magic trips were the stone cold nuts. Are poker trips? I mean, I've had a lot of fun poker trips and I have a lot of stories I may decide to tell in this blog (this story telling stuff is fun :D). I'm just not much of a tournament guy, and being in crowded Vegas for the series actually sounds like the pits to me, instead of the joint. I'm not planning on being drunk and jumping out of hotel windows like Pink anytime soon, nor do I plan on shaving my eyebrows (not even for a pack, no). I don't know, rambling at this point, losing focus and I'm watching the latest grindcore vid. Hope ya'll enjoyed this :)

The Face of the Earth

FenderJaguar — Thu, 10 Feb 2011 14:24:48 +0000

Is a pretty fucking large place. Sometimes you fall off of it. At first I fell towards my xbox 360 but I got so tired of slitting throats (which could be seen as uncharacteristic for me) and bursting blood vessel's in my eyes that I fell away from it pretty quickly. Then there's the whole "holy fuck I'm snowed in 6 feet deep" thing. Much like Patrick Bateman I simply am not there.

To be completely honest I've written a few blog posts between now and my last actual one (not that retarded blogger championship bogusness) and for some reason at the end of it I didn't feel right. Maybe I felt like all my blogs were dripping together in a soggy bowl of complacency. I can't say exactly why I decided to select all and delete them, but none-the-less here we are. I'm going to post this one I promise. You're reading it right now aren't you? There's a monster at the end of this blog, DO NOT SCROLL DOWN! (if you know this reference, FUCK YAH, if you don't, lrn2sesamestreet)

I have a hundred topics I could spew off about but I'm going to make it easy on myself, and you the reader, by going topic to topic like spider-man through city buildings.

Poker: I didn't want to pigeon-hole myself into a new year's resolution that I was bound to fail at (like so many do) so I kinda told myself internally that I wasn't going to make any resolutions and that would be my sneaky resolution. Success! I cashed out some and planned on grinding up from 100NL for both the challenge and the fun (but more importantly the low stress grind). I played there for a while, it was fun, and funny, but truth be told I like midstakes better. I know I know I'm low volume bla bla bla but fuck you that shit doesn't mean I don't know how to play, or that I don't play well when I do play. I'm pretty good at bicycling motherfucker. Midstakes makes my blood boil, I get the drive to win when I crank up some Misfits or some Black Flag and it sparks my flow really well. I need my flow to be incentivized because my brain idles a lot. I have mental problems. I have a lot of mental problems. I have more mental problems than that. I am SERIOUSLY fucked up. I won't go into why or how I got this way or any of the wacky details, the end result is that I could stare at a wall for a week and not blink, not eat, not talk to anyone, and BARELY notice. Anyway the bottom line is that I'm going to keep playing midstakes and I'm sure I'll see you around.

Life: I'm still living in Worcester, MA and I've been trying to piece together moving for a while now. A combination of laziness and lack of opportunity (or poor variables in general) have kept me in this gigantic mud puddle shit hole. I really need to get the fuck out of here. Priority 1 this year for sure. I found out that my sister is a cokehead. She has 3 kids around that stuff and her boyfriend is one of those retarded gangster types. The guy that still dreams of being a rapper like tupac or eminem and models his lifestyle as if he was ballin' out of control but the only thing he's ballin' out of is the foodstamps he sells at a discounted rate so he can get other shit. The kids don't have shoes, they JUST got beds (sleeping on the floor) and it's just a really shitty situation overall. How do I feel? I'm swimming in a warm pool of apathy. On one hand I'd like to help her and try to get her out of that situation and there's the kids to think about etc. etc. etc. On the other hand you dug your fucking grave havin' kids so young and sticking with this retarded jobless baller. OH YEAH WE BALL OUT, GOT MY HAND ME DOWNS AND A FUCKING FOOD STAMP. Shit is TIGHT! WUT WUT. (yo where's the coke?). So that side of my brain wants her to suffer to the point that she recognizes she may be suffering and why. This will likely never happen, and she likely needs an intervention, and that's likely to never happen, life goes on. I never got along with her anyway. I have a cousin with 4 kids that stayed with an abusive boyfriend for like 12 years or something as well. THIS JUST IN: If your boyfriend punches you in the fucking jaw and gives you bloody noses, he's not your boyfriend. He's probably a control freak and you'll probably end up dead or killing yourself in a bath of regret at a later date. So yeah, wake the fuck up idiots. It takes great loss or great fortune to change a stale comfortable existence. When you're used to droning day in and day out, you're used to the grave you've dug for yourself, you're used to the lack of dreams coming true, accept this, and stop working for a better life, something you love, and things that are important to you, it really takes something tragic or magic to wake you up from that cold coma. I am no different. I am a product of my own decisions or lack thereof.

I finally talked with my father in late December after 16 years. The last contact I had with him was when I was in all sorts of trouble and nobody in family wanted me to live with them, around the age of 14-15, and he was supposed to let me live with him for a while. That lasted 1 day, and he sent me to his grandparents house where I stayed in their attic. I went to school day 1 from that place and ran away at the end of the school day. This ain't no V.C. Andrews book. I wasn't about to live in a fucking attic. There's nothing like getting pinballed around from home to home to instill abandonment issues in you for later in life. The first few girlfriends I had I'm pretty sure I destroyed those relationships with my insecurity. As I had more girlfriends though, I became more numb to all the shit that goes on from both sides of the coin, and at this point I'm pretty apathetic to that stuff too. :D Honestly though I was very thankful to talk with my father after so long. I had a lot of issues with my mother as well but I forgave her a while ago. My family is fucked up :) I mean I know a lot of people in the poker community and tons more in the magic community and I def have some close friends and fucktons of acquaintances but man it's lonely out there. I keep such weird hours, maybe that's the problem. End life ramble.

I thought there was going to be a cool string of topics I could talk about but it seems that I'm out for now. I'm considering deleting this blog as well because I know people would rather read about hands I've played or something motivational or meaningful for their poker experience instead of all this ridiculous journal-like bs. The thing is, I can't really write very well unless I'm impassioned and usually when I'm impassioned I'm on some sort of tilt about something, goes with the territory I guess. I haven't even picked up my guitar in like 5 months :( I need some change. Alright, I'm going to crank up some Alice Cooper "Welcome to my Nightmare" and meditate on that shit.

What, you thought there was actually a monster at the end of this blog? No no no. But I will leave you with this platinum hit....

WBCOOP, why the hell not :D

FenderJaguar — Mon, 17 Jan 2011 03:18:26 +0000

I have registered to play in the PokerStars World Blogger Championship of Online Poker! The WBCOOP is a free online Poker tournament open to all Bloggers, so register on WBCOOP to play.

Registration code: XXXXXX 364241

The Jack Daniels of Variance

FenderJaguar — Thu, 16 Dec 2010 02:32:43 +0000

I've had a lot of students discussing swongs lately. So I figured I'd start off this blog post you're reading with a word or two about swongs. Not the logistics of them or the math on variance etc. etc. you won't find any of that lo-mein here. I'm dishing out CHOW-mein, NOODLES FOR YOU NOODLE. The hard stuff, the Jack Daniels of variance. Firstly, if you can't take the heat....

GET THE FUCK OUT!!!! haha. No seriously though. Part of poker is losing, you can't win unless you lose. If you're going to allow yourself to be tilted by downswings and you're all whiny WHY ME! (short term it's OK if you're not playing, you DO need to get it all out so you can get it all-in *wink*) then you're just costing yourself money and the opportunity to improve your game. It happens to everyone, it's part of the game, and it will NEVER stop happening. So if you really can't take it. You won't make it in poker.

I bitch and whine when I go on a big downswing too. I went on a nearly 25 BI downer and some of the hands, as you can tell by the AHHHHHHHHH blog I posted a couple of posts ago, absolutely raped what was left of the sanity in my mind. At that time, when it's that severe, it's time to take a step back and take a break. During the break I took (somewhat caused by being sick) I reviewed nearly all of my play in that time, found lots of spots where I was playing poorly, and figured out that at least 15-20% of my downer was my fault. This also showed me some consistent leaks that I had creaking back into my game during the downswing that were previously thought to be squashed. Some of it won't even be that the leak is sneaking back in, it will be that your head isn't A gaming clearly and you're not focused. Decisions take longer, you pick spots much worse, you may not even table select and run with a "fuck it lets play some cards" attitude. Reset, like an NES. It's what you need.

I know I wrote a blog post about downswings a bit ago with lots of cool pictures (not as cool as picture pages with mortimer ichabod marker but who the hell can beat that guy & BIll Cosby?)

You all already know it's your responsibility to play when you're A gaming and quit when you're tilting. Equate tilting when playing drunk. Unless you didn't care about the money/stakes you wouldn't play drunk right? ? ? ? So don't play tilted. But alas, it's not my or DC's responsibility to police you, it's yours. You owe it to yourself if you care about your growth as a poker player to be vigilant in this crusade against tilt and poor play. Here are a few tips....

I've said it before and I'll say it again, create an environment that flourishes with positive energy and everything you need to steadily play your A game. Not going to mention AIM/Skype being off and all the jazz that goes with that because you should know it by now. How about everything else around you? I've mentioned cats and women and all that in the past, go further than that. What time of day do you play your best and why? What site do you like the best and why? (obv consider when games are best as well, but that's a given) Are you hydrated? Do you have a small snack around to keep energy up mid sesh? Have you just pile-driven a stack of lasagna the height of garfield and a beer the size of odie? Seems like a poor playing condition. Basically you know what keeps you focused and relaxed, create that environment.

Turn off the winrate and the EV. Fuck your EV, and fuck your winrate. So many miserable variables go into those numbers that you'd tear your hair out trying to normalize them and get an accurate picture, and they create negative possibilities for your mindset. They can create a feeling of entitlement or a feeling of dread and woe me. Going into sessions with either of those attitude's is asking to play losing poker if not spared by the cards that be. Fuck your PTR. bla bla bla some bit of accuracy bla bla bla bigger samples more accurate bla bla bla, who gives a fuck? What is X or Y player doing TODAY at the table. It's been said a million times that PTR misses hands and is inaccurate and bla bla whatever. Some people stick their dick in it like it's the virgin mary, I personally don't need it to validate my opponents bad play or confirm my likewise bad/good play. I'm aware of it, other then that, it has no bearing. Focus on your decisions, focus on making better decisions. How do you make better decisions? You use information well, and you use more information, better information. You gain experience.

Feel like playing poker. I know this sounds simple but I know a lot of people that put hands in JUST to put hands in. That is also a recipe for disaster. Unless you're playing extremely easy fishy games that you can auto-pilot in your sleep or you've dropped down a couple of levels to put these hands in, or you're like the sensei master miyagi fucking sho-nuff at your stake, you probably want to err on the side of FEELING like playing poker. ENJOY THE FUCK OUT OF IT. Poker is a fun and beautiful game, I still get a boner when I flop a flush draw, I don't even need a set. ENJOY that shit. Like Coke. (Poker has no high fructose corn syrup and will not clean car engines). (Fuck the govt.!!!!! you retarded bitches don't know shit about what's right/wrong or good/bad for anyone, FUCK OFF AND DIE you spoonfed cocksuckers!) Hey this is my blog I'll do/say whatever I want, if you don't agree you don't have to read it. I'm a passionate guy :D But yeah enjoy playing. I have a few friends trying to "make it" at the game but they routinely say they hate poker or don't like playing. It doesn't surprise me that they don't achieve their poker goals and flounder around stuck in a crystal ball full of MEH's. Just thousands of MEH's floating around them like snowflakes.

So yeah, BEST environment, POSITIVE mindset, FEEL like playing. Sweet.

Not sure if I'll blog again before Christmas, if I don't have a holly jolly one folks. Look for poker content from me soon, perhaps some strat blogs w/HH's, perhaps some vids coming out ;) who knows. I have a lot of thinking to do in the next 2 weeks, trying to figure out how I'm going to approach poker in 2011. I do know that it will be however I want and not how some retarded senior citizen dictates.

Different fight, same principals. Shout out to Scott Ian, even if you're on UB :D

Free Corn Dogs F@#$ Yes!

FenderJaguar — Tue, 07 Dec 2010 20:07:32 +0000

I do what I want. I do it whenever I want to. If I want to shave my cat, he'd better watch out. If I want to dye my hair green and tattoo hail satan on my skull I'll do it. If I want to play online poker from the comfort of my own home, I'll do it. If I want to partake in illegal drugs, I'll do it. You can take your morally selective religious stampede and shove it up your ass. You can take your favoritist campaign funded plans to let me know what I can and can't do, and shove them up that same ass right after you shoved the stampede up there. PACK THAT SHIT IN TIGHT BITCHES cause it's going to be a long bumpy ride on a hot summer night. Â

When we die, we die alone. We may have a relative holding our hand as we melt away in some putrid smelling hospital or asylum bed, or we may have our brains splattered all over the pavement by some idiot driving and texting to some bitch that's inevitably going to dump him after she cleans him out of cash and happiness. However we go, we go alone. The government isn't there to tell us how to get to heaven or hell, or even how to become a plant real fast. There are no toll booth's in the abyss (just that ferrydude and you get fare from relatives so you're all set). Why would you live your life according to what people that don't matter tell you? Why would you let them inflict their retardation on your independent skull. Do what makes you happy, do whatever you want, FUCK people that don't matter. Life is so short and so many fucked up things are happening in this world already, why why why fold to retards? Sometimes I get so passionate about my hate for authority and people trying to tell me what to do that I feel like I could burst into a supernova and return as hellfire to this earth to smite all of the politicians (to start with).Â

Â I may have said this before but you know back in the day when you lollygagged around dancin' on a wooded dirt trail and had fuckers jump out and bean you in the face for your sack of gold coins and trinkets, those guys were called outlaws. Now they're called the government. You know what else it reminds me of? You ever get really shitty service from a phone or cable company and when you try to talk with their customer service nobody can help you. You have all the correct info for whatever your problem is but the higher up in the chain of idiots to talk with you go, the more you get the runaround? You know how helpless you feel, knowing that you can't do anything or get any help or correct any of the problems and you're at the mercy of the corporation and they can charge whatever they want and you have to pay or lose service and find another provider, they always leave you in a lose/lose dick in the ice and blades in the ass situation. You can't win. You can't talk to anyone that can actually help. What are you going to do? Write to the corporate office and go through a 4 month long process of talking to some idiot there and hope they can help? Maybe you'll get coupons for 5 bucks off a month or free corn dogs or some shit to make up for your misery. The government is a lot like that retarded corporation. There's a lot of really dumb things/laws and sure we can try and talk about it to fix it but it's never really getting fixed, and nobody cares enough without the proper compensation to make something else happen. It's one giant clusterfuck of retardation and hand jobbery. I don't know about you but I'm not living my life according to the whimsy of people I'd likely kick in the fucking throat upon meeting.

Ahhhh a nice tilty blog post. Moral of the story is that you should live your life in a way that makes you happy, and don't listen to the riff raff of the outside buffoons. It's your life, it's absolutely your life.Â

Â Â

The Plague, Ghosts, and Sonic :D

FenderJaguar — Sun, 21 Nov 2010 07:41:39 +0000

Hi Blog! It's been a while :) Why? Lots and lots of reasons really. I didn't feel like playing in the midst of my downswing. Taking a break is good for the soul. During said break I went on a downer in life. Sickness within sickness. An appetizer plate of ailment's sent to disintegrate those of us with peak constitution. But here I sit. I am not dead. It seems as if 2010 is the year of the 7 plague's because every time I turn around I'm sick or injured and that never happens. Maybe it's because I'm getting older. No matter how old we get though, our hearts will never die, we'll always have dreams!Â

I played one cash session so far and won just under a buy-in. I've also been playing donkaments some. Couple of FTOPS here and there, Sunday Million etc. You can find my updates and ramblings for those things on twitter @DCFenderJaguar. Tomorrow I'll be playing the million, the FTOPS brawl and the FTOPS main. Run goot 1 time imo.Â

I've got mixed feelings on the holiday season. As a kid it was obviously really exciting, but as a teenager in my situation I rarely celebrated anything. I usually had friends that invited me over for Thanksgiving so I had a nice warm meal with someone else's family and I appreciated that to no end believe you me (even though it felt pretty awkward), but Christmas amounted to drinking a hot Cappucino by a kerosene heater knowing my balls were going to be frozen to my leg when I finally retired to bed (small trailer, had a blanket over the hallway passage to keep heat in the living room, my bedroom was way in the back in the Icelandic zone), in a deep conversation about a slew of random topics with my anti-social roommate. These days I definitely enjoy shopping for others though. Trying to find that perfect gift that's more than a gift. I guess I'm OK with it all these days and looking back I can't even say that I'd change going through what I did. Its taught me appreciation for so many things.Â

Speaking of that crazy frozen ass room I had in the back of that trailer, shit was haunted. The entire trailer was. It was a really old pile of trash and one of the previous couple's that owned it (before it was a rental) got in a huge fight and apparently the dude killed the chick. There was a giant blood stain on the floor going from the middle room down the hallway to the bathroom. I always used to have really strange dreams in that back room and very often heard footsteps in the hallway when nobody was there. When I started living there I slept on a couch and there was 7 other people but this was further along in the journey a couple of years and I was the last dude there aside from the main guy renting it (the weird anti-social dude). One time I heard footsteps in the hallway and a faint voice and I couldn't make out what it was saying but I DO know that I thought it was my roommate trying to wake me up for work (we both worked at Pizza Hut making fine ass pizza's) So I got up and opened my door pretty fast and was like "Yo dude I'm getting up now chill" or something to that effect, and nobody was there. I opened his bedroom door and he was sleeping, snoring in fact. It was also a couple of hours earlier than we normally get up. Weird. There were also nights that the hallway smelled like pure blood. Maybe I'm crazy and it was the outside stench of dirt seeping in but I don't think so. This was unmistakable.Â

I have some good/funny stories from that place too. One time that same roommate and I were chowing down on some Sonic (I believe I had the standard Sonic Burger with delicious slushy and he was rollin' out with footlong coney with ALLLLLL the trimmings, shit was like 2 feet high with onions and chili, fucking gross). So this chick that works there, kinda chubby, southern girl on rollerskates slides up and gives the roomie the staredown. She's like "DANG, yer CUTE!" hahahahah he stops with onion/chili all over his face and slowly turns over to look at her hahahahah. So funny, movie moment style. I was like "Yeah, there's something you don't see every day!" lol. Anyway, later that evening we had some friends over drinking, pretty early in the evening. He darts out to get more alcohol, comes back, we drink and drink, it gets late. (sidenote we were playing a drinking game where when you turn over certain cards you get to put as much beer in the cup in the middle of the cards as you want and whoever gets the last king has to drink it or some shit, and I'm pretty sure he cheated because he took the big cup of beer in the bathroom with him and "drank it". fail). Everyone passes out, falls asleep in various places, VHS tapes and beer cans stuck to them etc. The carpet almost like a slip and slide made of beer. I passed out too, but I wasn't in a super deep sleep or anything. I wake up to the door opening and a chicks voice that sounds vaguely familiar. I look over and he's got the chick from Sonic with him and he's shushing her and telling her to go to his bedroom lol. A few minutes later he brings her out naked and shuffles her into the bathroom. I'm intrigued so I stumble down the hallway and I'm like "wtf are you doing dude" and he's like "shhh gotta wash her before I make it happen" and he proceeds to use the hose we have in the bathroom (long story but yes we had a hose hooked up to a spiget in the bathroom on the side of the shower) and he's instructing her to twirl around while he washes her off lololol. She's giggling and seems to be enjoying herself. Long story short he takes her back to his magical mystery ride of a bedroom and when he's done with her he shushes her through the sea of passed out people and takes her home, on his way out the door he whispers to me "dude, keep this on the DL man". lol. Maybe you guys don't find this as funny as I do, but damn that's hilarious. What the hell is wrong with people? lol.Â

Guess I should stop before this becomes some kind of anthology. If ya'll enjoy these wack ass stories I prob have millions to tell.Â

Most definitely a tilt post after snap quitting a session!

FenderJaguar — Wed, 27 Oct 2010 00:25:16 +0000

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKÂ

YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

FUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOU lol LOLOLOL FUCK YOU!!!!!!!!Â

Fuck you? Yes you sitting spryly over there in the corner wondering what this blog is about.Â

FUCK YOU full tilt poker. this 2 outer shit is getting crazy old.Â

FUCK YOU sunday million. I got 2 outered 2x in that MTT this past weekend BOTH AFTER THE FLOP AS WELLLLLLLLL GG FUCK YOUUUU POKER STARSÂ

Full Tilt Poker $2/$4 No Limit Hold'em - 6 players - View hand 998573
DeucesCracked Poker Videos Hand History Converter

SB: $1274.50
BB: $318.65
Hero (UTG): $1269.90
MP: $1102.50
CO: $400.00
BTN: $823.40

Pre Flop: ($6.00) Hero is UTG with A A
Hero raises to $16, 2 folds, BTN raises to $48, 2 folds, Hero raises to $130, BTN calls $82

Flop: ($266.00) 6 7 2(2 players)
Hero requests TIME, Hero checks, BTN bets $138, Hero requests TIME, Hero raises to $1139.90 all in, BTN calls $555.40 all in

Turn: ($1652.80) J(2 players - 2 are all in)

River: ($1652.80) 3(2 players - 2 are all in)

Final Pot: $1652.80
Hero shows A A (a pair of Aces)
BTN shows J J (three of a kind, Jacks)
BTN wins $1649.80
(Rake: $3.00)

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

sometimes you JUST GOTTA SCREEAAAAAAMM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

High Stakes special video release.

FenderJaguar — Tue, 19 Oct 2010 15:17:57 +0000

http://www.deucescracked.com/forums/22-Member-Videos/262101-High-Stakes-Vid-VERY-SRS-

If you click this link you'll find a thread with another link to click (through the looking glass we go!) I made a video playing ultra high stakes, I was taking a shot, and I think there's a lot of sick hands to talk about here. High Stakes poker is serious biznass.Â

LOL (graph inside)

FenderJaguar — Fri, 15 Oct 2010 03:19:45 +0000

and here I thought making a new database would be good luck.Â