Wave of Mutilation

Man this blows. I bought a new bed because the one I have is like infinite years old and worn out. I've been feeling OK after being up for a while, and I'm def healing and getting better, but the bed is twisting my spine and it's realllllllllllly painful for the first few hours of being up. I miss poker. Low volume and be damned I still played god damn it. I want to play now but I'm afraid my brain is frazzled so I'm going to wait a few more days. Try to let this finish healing. This time of not being able to play or do anything else I want to do has been eye opening. What if something happened in the future and I couldn't play poker whenever I wanted to anymore? What if I couldn't play at all? I'd probably regret slackin' off and taking it as easy and casually as I have. I'd probably be pretty pissed off at myself. I guess you can transfer that to anything in life, not just poker. That's kind of the point though. I guess it's human nature to want what we can't have, but if we could have had it and didn't take advantage, when it gets to the point that we can't have it anymore we have nobody to blame but ourselves. I don't know where I'm even going with this post, just kinda rambling stuff that's been on my mind lately. 

One of the obvious changes that I've made in this period of time is eating better. I mean the whole nine yards. I even went as far as getting an $8 bottle of organic cranberry juice with nothing added. Let me fucking tell you this stuff is as strong as alcohol lol. I have to drink it in tiny 1/3 cups because it's seriously potent. I don't think I'll be paying 8 bones in the future for the stuff but I'll def enjoy it while it lasts. However, I can't tell you how delicious steamed broccoli and carrots are with some sea salt and natural butter. It's amazing how much better the food tastes when it's fresh and chemical free. 

It's kinda depressing thinking back to 2008. I sat around staring at walls thinking about death for basically the entire year. I just sat there drenched in depression thinking about how short life is and how miserable I was. Then I'd think about actual death, hoping it was peaceful and not painful. Wondering what happens then, trying to envision what it will feel like when your body goes cold and lifeless, and what your soul might do after (or not do). I don't really want to get into all the gory details but let's just say I was in a bad bad bad place. I eventually woke up from that endless nightmare. I'm not sure how or what sparked it, but I'm glad I did. 

I still feel pretty lost at times but I know one thing for sure. I don't want a standard existence. I don't really care about getting married or having kids (though I definitely want a relationship), and I don't give a rats ass about a picket fence or a 2 car garage. I basically just want to be happy and peaceful, enjoying the rest of my life doing whatever it is I want to do. I like the ocean. I think if Vegas wasn't a desert I'd have moved out there already. I'm really happy near water and I love the smell and feel of ocean air. I have an insane sleep schedule that rotates non-stop. Sometimes you'll catch me going to sleep at 5am, sometimes you'll catch me waking up at 5am. I do like that Vegas is a 24/7 city, and that's definitely attractive but meh. I don't know. I guess I'm pretty indecisive when it comes to moving or living somewhere. I've lived all over the place and growing up we never stayed in the same place more than a few months, or I'd be living with a different relative every few months. I never really settled in to one specific place and I don't require much. I guess that's why I JUST replaced a 6 year old bed, and it was out of necessity. If I didn't injure my back who knows how long I'd have kept that bed. 

Through suffering we gain enlightenment. Through loss we learn appreciation.