le petite tilt.

i am always worried about this and i see many people being totally into it as well... like when your grandpartens used to say "what are our neighbours supposed to think, gosh! :(((" at least that's what i saw in movies. this constant pressure one is in to realize the ideas one has of himself is what makes people care about themselves i suppose. i have very noble and romantic ideas of where i wanna be (part of), but my actions are so so far away from this being real. it is my wildest dream and yet the only weak n shaky hope i got. there is not much i have in my hands right now that i could call my identity, it is growing and falling each day and it is measuring itself upon my idea of future. "BUT BUDDHA SAYS THERE IS NO FUTURE. THERE ONLY IS PR.." stfu. 

it is not really helpful to have one's ideas being very far fetched as it ignores where i am at and the slightest fall makes me worry about my entire world, integrity of my actions and wishes, yet life. 

it looks like i am that unhappy with my current situation that i am driven towards a better tomorrow. and often times, when something is in my way, i suffer from a bumpy road... my world falls apart and i need to stand up again, but that takes some time. i have read something interesting in mental game of poker about this. it is only a small passage, but it might turn everything to a point that i can live with my hope in way that makes me develope faster. it is about not to dream, but make it a goal. it is such a simple idea, but jared tendler is talking about how dreaming about achievements is making them real somehow. what i am looking for now is a more stable way to achieve what i want, rather than fall all the time, just because a fat cat is blocking the street. 

something just happened. SKYPE. i was defining myself and said i like old europe more than other cultures and i hate those trendy asian philosophies and alternative medecine and all that crap. and he was like "you cannot hate what you dont know!" and i was like... looks like i can. and then he put me in my place and said that i would hate everything. 

now i dont even care about correcting this, but i had the idea to and this fits in with what i wrote so far. 

the end

oh wait. why did i pick this title again? adjusting identity? well it is adjusting to our point of where we are at right now, things change, our views adjust to our point of experience and knowledge, so our grade of stability in identity changes. we have made further steps and see progress. for that to be true we have to have a path to walk upon already though. and this actually is the first time im happy to announce that i wanna be successful in poker and make enough money for whatever. im gonna be a millinoaire.