le petite tilt.

(cliffnotes are at the bottom)

i just woke up from a nightmare that was so realistic and scary that i was so happy to wake up in my own bed afterwards. i went through it in my head a couple of times to remember everything and be able to talk about it (why would i do that). well i instantly knew that i will be writing this blog and thought about what and how i will do that.

before i go on with what actually happened in there, let me tell you about what is necessary to understand where im coming from to make this nightmare so scary to me. i have always feared randomness, like animals, spiders, other people, i dont know but im afraid and nobody should be touching me nor harm my safety area, home. i had a hard time when i had to move out from my mother's boyfriend's home when i was 17, moving in kind of a ghetto area where i couldnt survive on my own. i wasnt really able to live on my own. the first night in that place i was not used to the noises and sounds, the accustics of this new home and i heard steps and could not locate them. they either were directly in front of my window (i lived on the bottom floor) or inside my room.. i was hiding beneath my sheets/cover(engliiish?) ready to die. well i was not taking care of my needs, i was not knowing what to live for.. i went to school for a few weeks still, but quit it then. i was home working on things i like at my computer, being online talking to people.. but i was not able to take care of myself, shopping was awful, because i was so scared to go out somehow, i had a real real bad time.

2011 i was meeting this girl, i know her for half a year now and she is really lovely and nice and we have a great time together. when she is not around we usually write online and bla. so we met each other yesterday, slept here and today we spent the day together.. i was really sleepy (changed my tourney rhythm, so it would be more comfy to for her lol) but it was no problem as it was really nice.. i just was sooo lazy and cuddly :P so i slept for a few hours, woke up again we wrote a bit and said goodnight. that was the last thing i did before i fell asleep.

i also had a conversation going in the dc skype group we started half a year ago. craig/nowayfolding brought up another answer to a theory question i put out there, after i wasn't really digging what other's have said about this.. and i tried to bring out what i think about what he just said.. and like always we got to a point, where we'd leave each other with mutual respect, even though there is no consensus somehow. 

during the conversation craig said that i would have potential to be a great player.. and at first i was like "what".. a year ago i possibly would have felt more insulted. but i was listening and analyzing what he has to say. it's his point of view, possibly not his judgement, but i try to see that more realistic. i know where i am at and im not great, so fair point. but what im trying to get at is, that i did not fight back, because i felt hurt, because  i didnt even saw a threat anymore, it was ok, i was able to "defend" myself, get the MOST out of the situation analyzing his thoughts, my thoughts, find a conclusion about where i am, what is possible and blablabla. 

then i talked to christian and we were talking about mental game stuff. we agreed that our mental state is influenced by so many things, that we cannot really make plans on what when we wanna play, what amount we wanna play and so on. the trigger was that i said we should make a plan.. like in that post i read lately.. but it was thrown away pretty quickly with his answer and i didnt even want to stress this anyways. but what came to mind instantly, what i said was.. we could have influence on us feeling good, so planning still is possible. taking care.. thats it

the nightmare

so i fell asleep i think and recognized two heavy knocks in the back of my head (i thought it was REAL) and i woke up super scared, shaked and was like oh no.. if i fall asleep now this will lead to a nightmare (think i was dreaming that). some time later i recognize me walking to my computer, sitting down, but my mom's old cat, that was really active and random, looked aggressive.. was on the floor jumping on my armwheel there and i got up quickly and told that stupid black cat to leave and it left to the kitchen. i saw my loved cat that is gone now in the kitchen as well with its innocent beauty face aww i love him :* hes so calm and nice and does not expect a thing :*. so i thought.. wait did i feed them? did i take care of them? you shouldnt hand me your animal, im awful. 

for this dream to be realistic i was like.. i can do that later..

turned aroudn to the windows and funny enough there was a balcony in front of my living room (everything was located correctly in this dream, but things were added). and people were standing on it.. like waiting for the bus to arrive. and i was like.. wtf? and just stood there focused on those people trying to figure out what the heck this is all about. then i looked at those people and this one guy was looking back at me, straight into the eyes.. and i checked wether the door was closed and i saw the doorknob to be in a position... in the dream my mind was trying to remember what this position was about (locked/unlocked/random).. but that didnt matter.. next thing happening is me opening the door rushing towards a guy throwing him above the balcony, turn back close the door and run to my bedroom.

the bedroom however was no bedroom anymore, still located correctly. it was like full of office workspaces with the bosses buro at the end of the room. i was like oh yeah, i remember something like that lol. i went to the bosses office looking for a solution to all this, for an evidence.. like a solution to end this dream maybe. no idea. but next thing i remember is me going to one of the workspaces, trying to write this girl, but it wasn't possible.. when suddenly this guy in the workspace next to me (neither me nor him could reach him (like with the balcony door) appeared.. in my flat, really? he did something i did not understand, he was looking for something.. i grabbed a candle.. went into his space and suddenly he was behind another desk again but there was room for me to kill him... i pushed that candle into his mouth, downside his throat and was like.. when i release it now, he will spit it out, so i kept pushing until the job was done.

i found myself in my bed then. the hallway is pretty noisy in my house, bec my door is very old and bla. i heard steps, which is not unusual lol.. but i was scared (again it was SO REAL). and those steps mixed with weird noises iwas trying to make out and locate... there was no end to it until ive heard somebody stepping into my flat. i knew it was either my mother or the girl im seeing.. i risked a look and it was my mother.. i mumbled something and she moved on to the kitchen.

i stood up following her into the kitchen and iwas like oh no... why is it so messy here... it was so dirty, even insects partying there.. i was ashamed and didnt want to be like that (i had a hard time once)...

next thing i remember was my mother and a friend of hers doing something at the wall next to the kitchenwindow where i whitnessed a murder and saw the murderer's face when he uncovered it leaving. i said WHITNESS IT, WHITNESS IT.. and asked for a weapon.. no questions asked, got me some weird thing looking like spiky barbecue claws. i ran towards my flat straight to the entrance hall opened the door and that killer was standing right next to it and i attacked.. what turned out to be a her. i didnt kill her, but both of us knew she'd better not be coming back. 

i walked back and recognized me being totally psychotic.. i dont have control over myself i was really crazy in the actual sense of the word.. talking to my parents (father appeared suddenly) that i must have a psychosis.. and my mother who is really fucked up was just rising her eyebrows.. while i knew my father who wasnt there my entire life was thinking about getting help. 

next thing was me trying to reach that girl via internet, walking into my living room, tada.. my screen was gone. i quickly went back to the kitchen asking where my screen would be. my first thought was that my mother wouldve put it away, because i was too bound to my computer. but then my father said.. i have put it down here. no actual reason for that.. and i saw it.. saw progams being open.. and was like.. "you have to reboot if you switch off the power"... i again was trying to get out of that dream or into a reality, by analyzing things that are not logic to me. when i took a closer look at the computer screen i saw that what i saw was a screenshot of what i had left open. oh thats why. haha im so stupid in dreams.

think that's it. when i woke up then i checked, checked checked.. releeeeif it is my bed, im awake. it is in his normal position, let's calm down.

now when i was lying there i was trying to apply what i just experienced within my dream with my reality. it turned out to be so frighten to me, because it actually is something i suffer(ed) from all my life. while in this dream i actually was fighting back. it is something i thought was positive when waking up. i should not be afraid too much, because i can just kill them lol. seriously, i like it. well i have written so much already..

i just dont think that all that is a coincidence. about 2 weeks ago i started this blog working on my mental game, being aware of my thoughts, my reactions, what i do and yeah there are many unconsscious things going on still.. but some start to uncover and this dream is one hell of a dream to me, but it has big impact on me. i think it is really helpful to my personal developement, my behaviour, my reactions to unreasonable fears and so on. i found it super interesting how the dream was trying to eat me, not let me out even though i questioned it so often. yeah of course.. im a psycho, that is a screenshot and dead cats are alive.

phew. worth it!

CLIFFS:

working on your mentality, trying to keep focus, being aware of your mindset might release some issues you successfully digged a hole for and burried them.. some of em which you would not like to deal with right now, but it looks like once you are forced to deal with em (like me n my dream), it is easier than you'd think.

btw tea is healthy.. one of the reasons i woke up was that i had to pee so badly lol :\ - tea is healthy.