le petite tilt.

Observations

at the moment i kinda feel that my focus allows me to observe my own misbehaviour and i actually observed some change already, which i am kinda surprised of. 

what i recognized yesterday was, that i didnt know the answer to a question in the forums and was posting it in our all favorite DC skype group to guide their attention to this topic. while i wasnt really trying to find a solution myself, i kinda dodged that issue. i dodged asking more questions and get on the "im confused train" that the original poster was on. i just want to bring this out there so i wont forget about it next time and focus on those things!

another observation was, that i finally found more respect for other's authority and opinion on things. i actually asked somebody what he thought about something, when i had struggle deciding for what might be right on a certain river-situation. that's a new peak for me! i wanna stress this. it actually is really good for me to understand that ignoring a problem is not a solution lol. that sounds so stupid, but when it comes to me, it is genius!

The Usual

the usual is taking over. im kinda afraid of loosing my earlier mindset that was so charming to my character and a rolemodel to all you kids out there. well, you might know that your new year's resolutions kinda loose themselves and not act as the wind of change *whistle*. that's kinda concerning me right now. how can i keep up the good mindset? 

i have experienced a nice linearity/order in my thoughts lately, thanks to writing it down and trying to find real solutions, not just having better excuses than before. my focus actually is attracted by all this and it is a great experience. still im afraid of not moving forward. what does it take to "move forward"? 

observe own mental reactions (like ignoring issues, arrogant defensive maneuvers blabla)

i wanted to list "start learning and practisting", but is that something you have to force yourself to? i feel that "observe mental reactions" should be there on it's own, because it is such a powerful tool to experience and force a change in thinking and possibly behaviour. think that forcing myself to learn certain things right now might actually harm this, because sorting out things on my old fundamentals (mind) should be best and show a reaction in behaviour as well. im no expert nor professional psychatrist, therapist or whatever, but that is what is coming to mind right now: how does the process process? :*

sweet kisses 

i just hope the scheme is working out and i will be able to experience a change in behaviour, motivation and

PASSION. 

i actually have to add this after reading my post: when i am talking about i would like to be motivated, passionate about something. why didn't i experience that already? i kissed so many frogs, nohomo. i have told you that i kind of have a talent for painting and love the beauty i see out there. but capturing it is very hard for me and i let the pencil drop. i actually have on of those super expensive digital painting pads right here, that i rarely used so far. but here is a picture:

what i wanna point out is, that those mental issues might have lead me to not be able to rely on a certain skill and practise, learn and so on. i remember me saying that im not a fan of improving one's talents, because that wouldnt be natural. another awesome jedi mind trick of my OLDER me. im so fuckin stupid, cant believe it :*

thank you and me!