le petite tilt.

Where am i going with this?

first of all im not ashamed of posting all those intimate details, even though people use to make fun of you and name you weak. frog you.

i have to say that i am very happy posting lately. it made me focus on things that really bother me and have to be worked out. if you have followed my career on dc i kinda was posting a lot, while sometimes i started tilting in the forums, not trying to loose my face as i built up an image to be a good player advising you in here. im not sure i was anymore (i believed it yeah :P), but usually i didnt see any other answer being more convincing than mine, and i kinda was respected througout the forums. today im not sure anymore. seems like most people understand the technical part of the game and people are that far already, that they try to manifest what they've learned and focus on details when learning. im not sure wether im ahead of the competition anymore. im not worried about it, i just need to get better myself. i know i can be better, but i have to work on it and understand where my natural edge is at and how i might benefit from that. 

who cares. my problem was/is that i was afraid to loose my face, loose my position in the forum's eyes and such. it is very sad to see how somebody is that relied on people's opinions to define his ego i think. it's possibly the realest i could get, but not the most honest. today being real is what im writing down. im sorry that i couldnt do any better. but that's just a phrase. it is not my fault. but sorry.

interesting to me is, why am i asking all those questions lately? i dont wanna know the triggers, i wanna know why i dont let it go and continue being retarded. hope to not end like that? i know i have lost balance long ago and never really was happy or something. but today i kinda am brave enough to actually try it, because.. reasons dont even matter. balance. earlier i was writing about that i was dreamy. i have hopes and wishes that are far beyond my situation. balance? when our personal reality is not what we are, i think dreams kinda make up for this. at least in my case i was able to observe that. 

this might look like bs to you, why even mention it? it's simple. focus on what matters most and sort it out. 

right now i am deillusionizing myself by actually taking a reasonable approach at "me against the competition". where im at? not where i thought i am at least. it is so dumb to believe that you are unlucky. normally your results should put you into place. i cannot even say that i am a loosing player right now, as i know that my tilt blindfolded me and i couldnt play my best.. or even average.

so balance? i kinda have an idea of where im at. but where do i wanna be?

• i wanna be able to focus 
  
• i wanna be honest to myself
  
• i wanna be self aware 
  
• and take care of my needs and protect it, be responsible.
  
• i wanna find respect for myself, equals respect for others who deserve it, want to take us seriously
• i wanna be what i wanna be

i want to try to share my progress and success, so there is no pressure on not being perfect right now.