le petite tilt.

it is the second day on his journey and our hero is still taking his decisions seriously to walk on the right path, not let himself gettin distracted by fast food, cheap girls and drugs. devil's everywhere, yo.

whatever. 

so my focus kinda is on my reactions to everything right now and im recognizing weird ones already and my professional psychological health care google research showing immediate results. today in my beloved DC skype group i accidenctly made a joke about me being passive aggressive. googled.  *drumroll* hit. my mind instnalty was working out past situations and fixed my view on certain things. still im only scratching the surface though.

i feel like the anger arising in me, wether it is at the poker tables or not is more of a natural reaction than messed up. i believe that a misbehaviour is leading towards me being totally miserable emotionally. well i dont even wanna name examples, this is more about writing it down, keepin a journal and so on..

so my conclusion is that i feel mistreated like always. feeling mistreated constantly leads to semi-tilt-anger-rape-beautiful-girls-because-...no, no need. they like me anyways. from my point of view, what is harming my developement is that i CONSTANTLY am in defiance (defiance, not defense, even though its funny how similiar those seem to me %D). where does that defiance come from? 

- would you be a dear and take out the garbage, please?
"no, i am not doing it"
- yes you are.
"wanna die?"

so here we are, being asked for a favour. this situation so is me. i wouldnt necessarily kill someone, but it would get dirty. im just trying to imply how hard i am hurt by this "order", because i'd rather continue to slap imps in dungeon keeper 2. remember horny? oh yeah. i bet he never had to take out the garbage. he is making it. hell yeah. haha. hell. yeah. got it? :\ 

so me being asked to take out garbage is a way to mistread me? it sounds like i am expecting other words out of their mouths. as i mentioned in my entrance post, i rejected to work, but wanted to get good degrees just so the teacher could show his appreciation. what an honor that i am allowed to be corrected by daniel. np. noo that is not what i meant. i meant that i am in deep need of them showing appreciation and not using me as a tool for their own lazyness (garbage). maybe. maybe i am not even in need of appreciation but dont want them to valuate me after my work. still that would be kind of the same. still its good i mentioned it. thank you daniel, you are a wise and beautiful man.

alright. long story short. how do i change? not how do i change that. how do i change. that is really important to me.. is it? i dont even care that mouch i think. its really hard for me to get past it without realizing that the grass is greener on the other side. realizing in this case should be kind of experiencing exactly that by a change in behaviour. if you have seen south park's episode "tsst", where cartman takes care of some supernannys and his mother's last resort is that dog's trainer <3... who said that a change in behaviour will lead to a change in personality. yeah im quoting south park to make a point in scientific psychological research. 

i found that quote very interesting and i think that is what i have to aim for. still im in need of clear cut knowledge about the problem and i will give myself another day of thinking and see where it takes me then.

thank you for reading. 

here's some music: booba - couleur ebene

http://grooveshark.com/#/s/Couleur+Ebene/2u6cCx?src=5

btw: insurance dude coming over in half an our, my solution is to go shopping and "forget" that we had a meeting.

gl judging me, sucker! oh daniel. poor you. you are the one to judge you. dont project yourself on others.

aaaaaah