le petite tilt.

hi.

so recent events lead me to think about writing again. recent events you say? damn duffte, still lookin fresh to death, gettin busy with them hoes, whatcha ta'in bou'. well, kinda feel like dropping my pants here. like when andre agassi was admitting taking crystal, while everybody had him like this famous, succeeding tennis pro married to.. hm. bad comparison.

so.. tilt! Thommy d'Angelo's book covered with spider web, even with jared tendler's new book out there, the public display of tilters could be better. yet it looks like it's just being ignored by those who actually do it. 

hello my name is daniel and i tilt. 

a lot.

it's no shame! being stubborn and ignorant is. i am. and i still try to fight that im an idiot. do i sense pride? from you? lol

well since it is the first blog post i propably should come up with THE new tilt prevention out there. but i'm not, i  cannot even think of a topic that i should write about now. damn, what am i selling here.

well what about this: i am what most of you would call a nerd, while im actually not. i dont participate in partys because i hate it. i dont drink and i dont even drive. i walk. yeah you heard me! i make jokes about me being a player, while im more of a nice guy. i have talents for painting and i like to observe and think about people. while i got bored of painting and those people's stuff as well im still worried about myself as i am no unit.

whenever a person says "i feel like this".. "i am that" "i love this".. it sounds like their mind is describing, it's discovering what this human being needs. their nature. not what they decide to want. free will? yeah funny. whatever made them want, they want that.. unless they think they want that and finally see, they actually dont. while i'd like to be like the first example, im more of the second. i dont know what i want (i do, but lol). im not living in a close relationship to my needs.. i just saw what hurt me and what had to be bad. parents, divorced, mother, not, finding, herself, looking, for, others, instable, made me instable, fuck this, fast forward, today. 

so today im still alone and i get along, i like it. i'm dreamy yeah, but i also am happy not to have to fight with people that "know what they want", because all that seems too live for me. its like prescripted shit i dont want. i dont want to fulfill my emotional needs or anybody else's because it feels like im talking to and with robots and that's how christianity was born. im not even sure i have emotional needs. i just know i was lead on emotional glazed frost and im not much of a skater.

so i had this theory that my past made me fight emotions and made my left hemisphere work out most things for me.. while i actually was more of a balanced or emotional dude. dreamy, you know. or im just a brainiac that's in needs of being hugged. i have no idea.

in the end i know i need some kind of backup that i dont have. i dont even have family, fuck you, motherfucker. so how would all that lead to

TILT?

if i say that others describe their needs while i dont, i might actually be overcomplicating it. what if i do know what i need, but im ignoring it? and it comes to life on tilt? well, mister. you got yourself a winner. i never understood a certain word that is self-awareness. i just saw those sunny boys and thought oh well. when right now i think even the acne guy with glasses on might be aware of himself. so am i aware of myself? my individual needs? propably 

at least i go crazy if somebody at the tables would try to steal my teddy bear, while im defending it with my life and the casino security comes over and takes it, because his retarded coldcall made him a set and sucked out on me? and why are those dumb security guys more strong than i am? dont fuck with me and my teddy, dude. now im like. alright. thats my teddy. you dont wanna give it back, do you? you dont deserve him. he's mine. ITS SO UNFAIR. BREAK STUFF

and here we go emotional glazed frost.

book: hey buddy. that's just variance. 
me: ITS MY TEDDYBEAR. HIS NAME ISNT VARIANCE. 
book: dude. you are hurting yourself, when you are on tilt, you might not even loose your beloved teddybear, but also your fancy new designer sunglasses that them hoes digg. 
me: stfu. im better than them

book: you may be, but when you are not at your best, you most likely are not.

me: still talking?
the end.

now it's on you to tell me what teddybears actually are.. and where do i get one of these? 

edit:

[21:25:45]  Andrej: funny post in your blog btw
[21:25:45] Daniel Sun: its brutal honesty
[21:25:46] Daniel Sun: :P
[21:26:01] Daniel Sun: i feel like im religious
[21:26:05] Daniel Sun: and have faith in me
[21:26:11] Daniel Sun: and those pokerlosses
[21:26:13] Daniel Sun: try to tell me that
[21:26:16] Daniel Sun: god doesnt exist

 i want to add another thing. back in school i really failed hard. ground school was so easy and everybody was expecting me to rush through college and highschool and achieve sth.. but i didnt. i actually was expecting everything to come to me as i experienced it. i really liked school for the reason being acceptance. being welcome. just that. because within my private life that was not given. i didnt had that experience. but once i had to move again and was going to college, all that changed. everything i had was lost and i was too ignorant to work like they wanted me to. i wanted to have the categorical acceptance and not have to work for it. i tried to get all that what i was missing home in school and nowadays at the pokertables.

this still is the story of my life. my poker-tilt reflects this story 1:1.

so what's the deal? should i start working on my game? should i start finding categorical love elsewhere? should i call my parents and get myself into an emotional crisis? i dont know. i try to keep stress away from me, but poker does a good job to fulfill that part.

thank you for reading

daniel