December 28, 2009
I am afraid that I have to make a decision now.
I cannot do this to myself or my family. I have just had one of the most heartbreaking sessions of my life during one of the swingiest months Iâ€™ve ever played and it has finally hit me how foolish Iâ€™ve been. I keep telling myself not to leave it late but I have and this is the result and now finally the decision Iâ€™m going to make.
I am not continuing trying to grind to Supernova.
I donâ€™t have the mentality to play for that amount of time during a day and even if I were to get it Iâ€™d only let it consume me as Iâ€™d set myself more and more deadlines during the coming year. This is not my profession and was never meant to be and as of the time Iâ€™m writing this I would rather go back into work than play poker again this year. (In fact there are things involving a car battery, a pair of crocodile clips and my nether regions Iâ€™d rather do than poker at the moment too) It has become something I â€œhaveâ€ to do rather than I â€œwantâ€ to do and that is not acceptable.
Currently I feel like Iâ€™ve let myself down and those who believed in me down and itâ€™s extremely hard for me to be in that situation let alone write it down. I had it handed to me on a plate and in the end I still failed and I havenâ€™t felt this dejected in years.
This year has been amazing in all sorts of ways and if youâ€™d told me during my 350BB downswing in January/February at 0.5/1 that at the end of the year that my bankroll would have at one point been over 1000BB for 3/6 and that Iâ€™d be devastated that Iâ€™d just missed Supernova Iâ€™d have taken that but it still doesnâ€™t change the fact I knew what had to be done and in the end I was stupid enough to fail. Throughout most of my life bothin and out of poker my greatest enemy has been myself, whether itâ€™s tilt, bone-idleness or plain lack of common sense. Sadly that still the one enemy I canâ€™t overcome.
Iâ€™ll post my year end results when I can stomach it. Probably New Yearâ€™s Eve but until then Iâ€™ll wish everyone a Happy New Year.