Back To The Trap House

Hey all,

I spewed pretty hard the other night and it really bothered me. Overall I was destroying the games, not from simply running good, but mostly from hand reading very well. I would like to share with you why I think I spewed and what put me into such a mentally fragile state. It's kind of fucked up and I need to stop doing it or I risk complete ruin of not just my poker game but myself. First I would like to tell you about another hand in the session....

This hand didn't trigger the spew but at some point in the hand I probably would've caught myself had I been mentally strong. It just goes to show you how important it is to have a strong mind/body connection and unless you're in good mental states you're costing yourself a lot of money.

There's this player who had just sat down named carter. I saw him call a $200 all in pre flop cold with ATos and win. He also mentioned he won $4k playing a tournament up in our local casinos. He seems very loose passive and will get taken to value town a lot. I hadn't seen him raise too much pre flop which is key in this hand. I was also semi-distracted in the hand playing on my phone and just mentally out of it the whole night. 

I have been doing a great job of only playing when I felt good up until this point. Before I go into the hand I just kind of realized another skill that separates winning poker players from losing ones. Taking the positive out of every situation and finding a way to win. How do I know this? Well, when I sit in these live games after putting a tremendous amount of study online and asking my friend Johnny for advice it jumps out at you. Live players complain about everything. They always blame others and never take responsibility for their own mistakes in the hand. Pre flop hand selection dictates post flop equity and they continuously play bad hands OOP.

Anyways, back to the hand. So this Carter guy pops it to $20 pre flop in EP. Me, on my phone still, look down at A7s, three bets to $60. He had flatted my three-bet earlier with J9os so while his three-bet calling range is wide I think it was probably a good Idea to just fold there. Or maybe it wasn't. I hadn't been winning in that game playing fancy, just taking them all to value town so it just wasn't a very necessary play.

Anyways, flop comes out 654 two tone and carter fires $80 into this pot which looking back on it is somewhat of a strong bet live since there is about $130 in the pot. His three-bet calling range is wide here and I didn't think 88, 99, or TT could stand a raise and a turn barrel. I also didn't think a six could take much heat either. Carter is a weak calling station and I had an overcard and an open ended straight draw. I could also bluff a spade on the turn if he ends up checking to me.

More than anything at this point I was angry at this Carter guy. He had caught me in a bluff earlier and I really wanted to get him back for it. So, I popped it to $180 with that reasoning in my head and he tanks for about 80-90 seconds and calls. The turn brings a J which doesn't complete the flush and I had put my phone down by now and was ready to fire another barrel.

He checks to me and, with my frazzeled mindset, I try to come up with a number to get Carter to fold. Thats all I wanted him to do. I remember feeling, for the first time in a long time, that I was scared and nervous in a hand. I hadn't felt that for a long time and had put a ton of work in to fix that. There was no reason for me to feel this way except for the fact that I wasn't focused on ranging Carter. I was focused on showing him who had the bigger cock. I was completely lost in the hand TBH. I was thinking the way I would 2-3 yrs ago.

Anyways, I decided to fire $250, which is a HUGE bet and if I had fired that against anyone else in the game, anyone who had seen me play, they would have folded. I had done a great job destroying my tight image hours earlier and there was no reason for Carter to believe me but he tanked what seemed like forever and ever and finally called, and I only had $350 behind. Would that $350 be enough to blow him off his hand on the river? I mean whatever he calls on the turn why would he fold it on the river? That turn bet commits him.

So at this point there is almost $900 in the pot and he just called a flop raise and a huge turn barrel so why would he fold now? The river pairs the board and completes the flush. I don't think for very long and put my last $350 in the middle and Carter almost folds but eventually calls with QQ and wins a huge pot and shortly after cashes out and leaves. Thats when the real spewing began. My mind was fried. I was angry. I was irritated. At that point I should've taken a long break or quit but I didn't.............

So with that I would like to tell you guys why I was in a bad mindset. For those of you who have read my blog you probably are well aware of my addiction problems. You're well aware I like to party. Well, for the past 5 months I've been addicted to prescription pain killers and while I was at that game I was withdrawing off of them. Google Percocet withdrawal and then you'll realize how big of an idiot I am for doing that.

At this point its an epidemic. Look up the documentary the oxycontin highway. It's a very dark, secret addiction but more people then you would think are addicted and the scary thing is you're functional on a day to day basis so you'll never know. This was my first attempt to get off of them and I have failed. My next attempt is going to my Grandmas. I'l be away from them for 6 days and maybe by then I'll be able to get off of them.

Anyways, its something I had to get off of my chest. I have told most of my closest friends. I've got a good amount of support. I think I will be able to do it but thats the way things are right now. It's standing in the way of a lot of things and yet again another substance is threatening to de-rail the thing I enjoy doing the most. I was able to do well in school this semester but the way things are going, it's just not sustainable. I'm planning on quitting everything. Booze, drugs and whatever else. It's becoming too much of a standard thing. My body won't always be able to take it. I need to start eating and drinking healthier.