Back To The Trap House

I can't believe its been a year now. A full year since I came back from Vegas. A full year stuck at this job I don't particularly like.

I've learned a lot in that time. I've learned more about myself and this crazy game than I ever really thought I would. Looking back on everything, although still painful, I can't say I regret anything. Without it I wouldn't be the man I am today or on the right path to becoming the man I've always wanted to be.

Jessica, my ex gf, is something that has still been very hard for me to get over. Not to say that I want her back or that I wish we were back together. The truth is we never would have worked long term. She was my first love and I feel awful for having put her through that. I don't think I could ever apologize enough. I'll make it right some day but I can't right now. I'm still trying to fix things in my own life. I wish her the best and hope she is happy!

The frequent drug use: While I have realized this will never stop I also have a better understanding of how to control it. There is balance to be had from doing drugs and leading a healthy lifestyle. That will sound very stupid to most but its true. The bottom line is that I will always have an addictive personality and the only way I will be happy is if I learn to control it. I'm in the process of doing that. I quit drinking for a month for my new years resolution and the results speak for themselves. I've lost 10lbs since then and feel mentally more stable. I've drank since but in a more balanced manner. Tonight I shall get shit faced and roll. This DJ Picture Plane is playing at this bar called Hi Dive.

Poker: I have been studying my ass off. While the results haven't quite come together I can feel my game coming together. I can see parts of the game I haven't seen before and I can play 9 tables efficiently! The only down side right now is I have slipped a little in my studying but this is not entirely my fault. I constantly have to balance a 50-60 hour work week while finding time to play, study and rage. The biggest problem to avoid is burnout. I am learning how to trust my instinct but just at the tables but in life. Instead of forcing myself I go with the flow while keeping myself in check by applying discipline to my everyday routine. I can sense this energy form inside of me. I know, I sound like a far out, crazy liberal hippie but it is true. I think this is part of becoming a poker player. There is a reason you can teach anyone how to play but not everyone can play. You have to internalize all of this and create a tolerance. I talked to my friend Johnny the other day and it sure is kind of sick. Since I have such little time to play and study I have no time to tilt and sulk about it.

Recovery, is an extremely important thing to develop. What I mean by recovery is that when you tilt or have bad sessions limiting the time it takes to get yourself back into a better mood to play. In the past if I had a bad session I may take days to recover. If I was hung over from booze maybe a full week because not only would I have to skip the hungover days but develop confidence to play again. Now it really doesn't even phase me. I lost half my roll playing HU 50PLO vs a huge spewtard who was down $6k playing HU 50PLO and hardly gave a fuck. I even played the next day and lost some more. Yeah, I can't do stupid shit like that but its ok. Its just another problem to solve in a game of infinite problems.

1 problem to get over in a game of infinity. That will put some things in perspective for you.

Snowball music festival: I think it was the first of its kind. It was thrown in Avon Colorado by a lake. This was my first festival experience and while it was fun overall it wasn't quite my crowd. There were too many high schoolers and just classless people in general. f you were going for the music then you were in heaven. If you were going just for the hell of it it probably wasn't that great of the time. It was wet, cold and muddy but that too me only added to the atmosphere.

Unfortunately I have no good stories of taking down any woman. Because most were either way too young or I was just on way too many drugs. I also am trying to steer clear of falling into that one night stand trap. It is only a distraction to deter me from my long term plan. But fuck I sure would like to wear a girl out tonight......I think I will go for it but emotionally I have nothing to give. I probably sound like some sort of gothic emo puss right now but I'm not gothic, just an emo puss....

I tried acid for the first time on that saturday. Wow, what a fun time! I suggest it to anyone who can handle their drugs. If you can't then please don't do it. You will freak out. When you take it you can see why the CIA did so many studies on it. I would even be willing to try it at the poker tables. You feel in complete control but you're tripping face. I will definitely do it again but its not an every weekend thing. Maybe 2-3 times a year in the right environment. I also tried some Ketamine and saw the flaming lips play. The Flaming lips came out of the vagina of a giant naked woman chaning colors on a huge screen. I'm ppprrreeettttyyyy sure they have done acid before. They have been around since the early 80's. There influence is mos def the 70's but hey, what the fuck do I know?

On Friday I tripped Mushrooms for pretty lights. I was definitely seeing things because I ran into my friend and this girl Carly and that she was this other girl Veronica. I ended up sitting in a heat tent with my buddy Russ and Travis and watched the show from a far. There was sercurity everywhere so it was in my best interest to keep the drugs on the DL. There were drug dealers everywhere offering you shit. From what I heard it was complete dirt. If you want to do drugs the responsible way (there is such a thing) then I would suggest making arrangements before going to a show or festival. There are just too many dirt bags with alterior motives trying to make a buck who give 2 shits about what happens to you after making the exchange. Its this pieces of shit who cause problems at shows and give this culture an awful name.

The most ridiculous part was Lotus and Bassnectar. I had to fight my way through the Lotus crowd to get to the front of Bassnectar. If you've never heard Bassnectar then you probably won't understand how ridiculous it gets in that crowd. Heres what you should do. Find a friend who has a system in their car and put it close to full blast. I mean a good system or it won't do it any justice. Then you may understand partially what I am talking about but you need to go to a show and thank me later.

The Bassnectar show was like playing king of the hill. At this point the ice was melting near the main stage. In the crowd it was almost pitch black and large freezing puddles you couldn't even see had formed. I was just 2 people from the front and behind me was a huge puddle, that if stepped in, would go up past your ankles. I thought my fucking toes were going to freeze off because I had to stand in it for 30 minutes before finally getting to my spot. Once I got to my spot the fight wasn't quite over. Since everything was ice there was hardly any footing whatsoever. People kept rushing me from behind trying to pull me backwards into the puddle to get to my spot. First they would accidently step into this giant puddle, panic, and immediately start pushing or grabbing on to me. As this would happen I would begin to get pushed into the girls standing in front of me. I was doing this for about 45 minutes before I finally couldnt take it anymore and left. But fuck it sure was worth it. It would have been much more fun if I was indoors in a heated environment but what can you do? If you sit there and complain about sub optimal conditions all the time you'll never have fun. Kind of sounds similar to a crazy card game we play........

All in all it was a fun but weird trip. The atmosphere was different and my Navy Pea coat got stolen. I had a fun time but if you were a first time show goer/ or raver/ or whatever else'er then you probably wouldn't have had that great of a time.

Anyways, I'm trying to get back into blogging more. It really helps me get my thoughts on page but its been very difficult preventing my soul getting crushed at this job, playing, studying, working, and finding time to do this. Once again, anyone who has read my blog or does so consistently I am forever greatful. Whoever you are you're the reason I write!