Back To The Trap House

its been 20 days and no drugs or alcohol. Like I said before weed doesn't count in my book but besides that.....

Now new people reading this may think I'm some sort of huge drug addict considering I have only gone 20 days but that isn't the case. I've never done anything hard like heroine or crack, knowingly or willingly that is. This past year (2010) is really the first year that I went wild with drug use other than alcohol. Before this past year I was just a big drinker but that seemed kind of standard considering who I hang out with. I decided to do an exercise in self discipline. I do these sometimes just to check myself before I wreck myself....

The last time I did something like this I went to Vegas for my friends bachelor party. Now I had just returned from Vegas 2 months earlier after going busto. This time I told myself that I wouldn't engage in any form of gambling or poker during the weekend just to prove to myself that I could. People thought I was crazy going to Vegas and not gambling...

But I didn't sit down at a single table while I was there and had an awesome time!

Back to alcohol: I can't remember a weekend going by without at least getting tipsy. I keep asking people when was the last time they went an entire weekend with out drinking. Every single one says "I can't even remember"

Through all of this I have realized how much I'd feel like shit the next morning after a hard night of drinking. Its hard to wake up, you hate everything, you can't eat and when you do eat you still don't feel full.

Worse of all since I have been practicing tilt and bankroll management I'd have to go days without playing poker just to make sure I was in the right mindset while waiting out hangovers. Many days I would sit down and start a session only to feel too hung over to continue playing. That really bothered me. Here I was trying to get better in all areas but when I sat down to play I couldn't even make the right moves.

I was like a running back who ran a 4.3, could squat the entire stadium, have a 40 inch verticle leap but couldn't even read a play book or block an incoming blitzer.

I had to make a choice: Booze or poker? Why? Because its all about self optimization in this game. You have to be your own business entity and if I can't create equity then I'm losing equity, right?

To beat poker you have to become poker and if I was hungover I couldn't beat or become poker. The decisions you make outside of this game spill over into the decisions you make in the game and its the other way around as well.

If I'm out of shape and overweight then I will get hungry more and will have to take more breaks to eat. If I'm drunk I can't play profitably. If I'm hung over I will tilt easily. If I am embaressed about a stupid drunken mistake then it will play out in a negative way at the tables.

These are all things you need to be constantly thinking of if you want to play this game. And whats the worst case scenario? If you're constantly making +EV decisions outside of the game they will only make you a better person. Even if years go by and I'm not a profitable player the byproduct of me making +EV decisions outside of the game to win in the game will only make me a more well rounded individual.

The degen poker player still exists but the successful ones have learned how to balance it by eating healthy, exercising, learning new skills outside of the game and creating better study habits. Its as if all these things are a form of in game control or an anchor as I would like to call them. The poker world is chaotic and you need these anchors to keep you from getting whisked away in a storm.

I was listening to a Tommy Angelo interview and he said something along the lines of if you can't exercise proper self discipline you will bounce around this world like a pinball, just completely out of control....

In my own personal experience this is 100% true. Create life stop losses for yourself, anchors that will keep you in place when the unexpected happens. For sure things are always more likely to fall apart then put themselves back together and you can always expect the unexpected. My friend who is moving out of the country said he's the type of guy who always prepares for the worst but hopes for the best. I really like that attitude and I have seen this play out for him in positive ways through his whole life. Always surrounded by party animals since early high school he is the most stable/responsible one while many of us continue bouncing around a pin ball machine.

So its only been 20 days since I haven't had a drink and the progress I have already made is ridiculous. I can 6 table again profitably, I am studying like a man possessed and thinking about the game clearly. Everything is starting to click again. I can read board textures, I'm making disciplined decisions and controlling my tilt while also managing my bankroll.

Imagine a giant sling shot stuck in the ground and imagine yourself in the rubber band. Think about yourself pushing backwards on the slingshot. It gets harder and harder the more you push backwards. To make matters worse you are pushing with your back facing it so it makes things awkward and more difficult. Then you get tired and just let go.......

Well, thats kind of how I felt while drinking. It felt like there was always this immense pressure I couldn't let go of. Once I let go of it I was launched forward in a good way.

Not to say I will never ever drink again. I will but theres no time frame at the moment. There are too many good things happening in poker right now that I feel like adding booze to the mix will impede my progress again. I will drink when I'm ready and I may never be ready to drink again and I'm fine with that.

I'm just going to let my mind latch on to poker for a while......