1978 - 20XX A. D.

My mom needed to go to the eye doctor and as we drove she talked about how her dream car is a Hummer. (Mom doesn’t drive as it is. I bought her a vehicle and she’s put 100 miles on it in 6 months.) As I explained the poor gas mileage, high maintenance cost, along with the general douche-baggery she retracted her wish. After our tasty lunch at mom’s favorite place, “Red Lobster” where she ordered chicken. (She likes the biscuits.) We had the following discussion.

AmityDewey: “Hey, look mom there’s a pink Hummer.”

Mom: “I’ve heard about those ladies. They are a mother-daughter team!”

AmityDewey: “What kind of team?”

Mom: “A mother-daughter team, they always come into my work and buy a cake. I heard they were pros”

AmityDewey: “A pro what?”

Mom: “you know”

AmityDewey: “Tennis pros?”

Mom: “no”

AmityDewey: “Golf Pros, investment bankers?”

Mom: “no”

AmityDewey: “cleaning ladies?”

Mom: “no”

AmityDewey: “Pro what mom?”

Mom: “You know, stop playing stupid.”

AmityDewey: “I don’t know…. that’s why I’m asking, you said they buy cakes every week.”

long pause – as if I’ve given up

AmityDewey: “Are they professional birthday singers?”

Mom: “They are hookers. OK. Fine you got me to say it. I heard they were hookers. I didn’t want to accuse them. For all I know they could be lawyers.”

AmityDewey: “Yeah, mom. I know plenty of lawyers who roll around our dumpy little town midday in a pink Hummer with ghetto diamond decals on the back hanging with their daughters on the way to buy cakes.”

Mom: “It’s just what I heard.”

AmityDewey: “What did you hear?”

Mom: “That they are a mother-daughter hooker team and they buy cakes. The old guys love it when they come into my work.”

AmityDewey: “That’s twice you accused those nice ladies of being criminals. You should be ashamed”

Mom: “I give up.”

AmityDewey: “Good game, mom”