1978 - 20XX A. D.

I would like to give my wife some credit. I'm not the best husband in the world. There are times when I'm lazy. Many of the traditional husband duties I often fail at. For instance, I'm not a hunter or gatherer in any sense.  I go to Cosco and "gather" 4 lbs of chicken and break it into portions, but she hates chicken; so it's a wash. Most of the cooking in the house I do daily, yet I believe she hates my meal planning and is being just too polite AND doesn't really know how to cook. The reason I know this is because when I'm gone, she eats meals that are a 180 from the stuff I prepare.

Me: Chicken, Rice, Broccoli

Lauren: Salad Appetizer, Salad Entree, Fruit Salad, Pureed Salad to drink

She does the laundry thank god, because I would ruin it. However, when it came time to purchase a machine I went into HH Gregg with a full beard of food and negotiated like a beast so my woman could have only the best for her domestication. An LG SteamWasher that cost more than the car she was driving at the time. It kills 98% of allergens, and it's idiot proof. If she ever finds this out; I'm doomed. The best part is that it uses only a few gallons of water. It's efficient and earth friendly. Just like my wife.

When she wanted a new car. Despite the fact I was more willing to be seen snorting coke off a homeless guy's happy trail than ever driving a Suzuki. I gave in and she has been very happy and between you and I; the care has earned my respect/love for it's efficiency and shade of blue. Also the stereo is surprisingly solid. Again. Efficient and surprisingly comforting; like my wife.

So because the 8th anniversary traditional gift is bronze, I decided to acquire the best thing I could think of. That's right. A 1988 Calgary Winter Olympic Gold Medal. I know what your thinking. "How did you earn a gold medal?"

I didn't. I stole it. Karen Percy earned two bronze medals that year. I mean who needs "two" reminders that your were 3rd best at something after only 4 years of prep time. Trust me she won't miss it. When I broken into her house she was sitting in a rocking chair, chain smoking, drinking Molson Ice, and listening to The Barenaked Ladies "Brian Wilson" rambling about ski wax.

If I didn't NEED the medal, I could have told Ms. Percy that it could have been worse; Regine Moesenlechner finished .004 seconds behind her and received NOTHING. I could have told her that if that had happened I might have had to find ANOTHER medal somewhere and then would have just been a creepy guy in her house without purpose. So I just stole the medal, finished listening to the Ladies next track "If I had a Million $$$" and then left.

So honey. This 1988 Winter Olympic Bronze Medal is for you. Because like Alpine Sking if I were .004 seconds off at any point in the 22 years before we met, I might have been left with nothing. Instead I have an awesome wife, a beautiful daughter and now you have somebody's hard earned Bronze Olympic Medal.

Enjoy! It's your day!

 "It won't make the slightest difference to me, Dewey, but the consequences to you will be devastating. In your mind, I'll be busto, and with no one to guide you out, you'll be stuck in permanent psychosis. The walls of reality will come crashing down. One minute, you're the savior of the rebel cause, next thing you know you'll be Ivey's bosom buddy rubbing cash on titties. You'll even have fantasies about rolled up aces over kings, fancy electronics, and lunch with Jimmy Fricke, as you requested, but in the end, back on Earth, you'll be broke like Eskimo Clark! So get a grip on yourself, Dewey, and put down those Aces."

I know you guys like when I bring the funny. This entry is pretty personal, and I hope to find some peace as I write it.

The funny isn't coming. For the last year and a half or so I've been headed in a very dark direction. Over the last 3 months my new job has been working out and I feel like I've really put the pedal down to do the best I can. Then my schedule changed once I finished "training". Then I struggled to adjust. Then somebody close to me decided to pick a time where I was already struggling to poke and push me into a mental corner. Now I've missed work and I almost can't make it through the day.

I struggle with battles on every front one probably can. For the last 32 years, I can remember few times where I've been focus and on my "A" game level. Over the last two, I've just simply decided to do my best. Put the darkness away when I can and just try to be the best person I can be hoping to drive it out by projecting as much radiance as I could muster. There are parts of my life and past I don't share with anyone. For some reason I've felt that if I put up thick walls, get away from my family  and those I love when I know it's obvious I'm struggling the most, and keep whatever else locked away as deep as I can that sooner or later from the appearance of "having my shit together" I would actually have my shit together.

Well I don't have my shit together and for the first time in awhile it's dawned on me that others know this, but let me keep on going for whatever reason. What are they waiting for?

I don't have a battle plan OR an exit strategy for this fight. At some point I'm gonna lose. I know it. Almost everyday I think of ways to both slowly fix AND suddenly end my life. Most of those days the "fix" destroys the "end" without much effort. I decide to push on for my daughter and wife. I decided to push harder for myself, because the world despite my issues needs some people who despite darkness have love for mankind. Sometimes it's as easy as my daughter giving me a hug. I could be the smell of my wife when I hold her. Sometimes it's a bird flying over a lake with a fish in it's mouth. Sometimes it's the taste of a glass of orange juice or the taste of a nice meal.

At some point I wonder if that moment each day where I decide to stick around for another day won't come and on impulse just end it. But, let it be known if I do AND I'm not saying I'm there yet, please let it be known that I fought hard and did my best to limit the damage to those around me and to those I love dearly. It's obvious to me that the slow climb will often lost to the momentum of the fast decline.

Lucinda is at the age where we are starting to play a variety of games. Today we did the following.

Kicking a ball back in forth with only our feet. (This was harder than one might imagine.)

UNO! We play three handed and she plays face up. Mommy and I agree to just "play our cards" and not use hers to influence our play. We then also argue about her optimal play and basically try to get her to reverse and draw 4 the other parent.

I wish I had a camera on her when she won her first Uno game. She got really excited and screamed UNO and knew she was really, really close as she dropped a Wild Draw 4 on Lauren. She picked Yellow (which she had a yellow 8 as her single card... nobody helped.) and then I had to draw. As soon as she saw me draw a card she knew she had won. She then screamed. "I play the Yellow 8... I WOOOONNNNN."

Then she leaned backed and kicked her feet up and down.

She got down to Uno the next game, but Lauren ran like god, I Wild +4 Luci and then Lauren finished her off and stole the match as my child drew three straight cards. "Mommy wins....." (sigh)

Next we moved on to Go Fish. Since this was the first time she was playing. Her and Lauren played me HU.

I had put down 4 books when Luci/Lauren basically called out ever single card in my hand in a row. I'd pull a 3. Boom 3 request. Boom Q. Boom 9 nope go fish. I'd brick and pull a Q. Luci would insta ask me if I had a Q. It was if she figured out gee... "4 cards left in the stock. I should just pick on and go."

Luci/Lauren win back to back. Lucinda decides that she likes solo victory better. Back to Uno we go.

Luci wins again and insta-quits. I say, "good game."

"I won. Can I have a bath?" (This is how she lets us know she's ready for bed. It was actually later than usual.)

"Hit the showers."

Luci - "No...... I want to take a bath. with bubbles. and my princess jammies."

Dewey - "ok. sounds good."

(in the bath.)

Luci singing "I won, won won.....)

basically 10 minutes of that.

My wife is in public lands management. She does a wide variety of tasks, one of which is working outside so she often showers as soon as she gets home.

Today she was in the bathroom and had the door locked.

"Let me in." I asked.

"No." She said.

"Uh. Do you have a "Crying Game" like secret?"

"No. Go away."

"Are you pregnant?"

"Wat? No. Go Away"

After 12 years this is a rare occurrence. I mean the things I've seen pushed and pulled out of her body are disturbing. Obviously I am captivated and very curious what's going on that's so bad she's barred the door and turned the shower on AND put on a movie to keep our child occupied.

"Really. Now I'm worried. What's going on?"

"I have a couple of ticks. I'm doing a thorough assessment"

I behind the door scratch uncontrollably and freak out in silence.

"Hm mm.. ewww. tick assessment. Next time, just tell me you have to poop/vomit and it's really heinous."

The sleep still isn't arriving. I've cut out the iced tea and Diet Pepsi. The naps are gone. My diet consists of cold (Louis Rich) turkey sandwiches, room temperature lentil soup, Pocki, and melatonin which I am snorting off of a sub-leased and value priced call girl who may or may not understand English. I am covered in a space blanket for style, a Snuggie for comfort, and refuse to change my socks which I've worn now for 3 days since I don't know the Hungarian word for sock and can't force my call girl to gather them..

I've now officially used my PTO/Sick time and have slept only around 11 hours total since Monday.

The World Cup is on from 7am - 2pm EST. I've caught 80% of the action. This is the time/space equal that if I had watched Carson Daly and Poker After Dark all week during my old shift.

I think I know the problem. Carson Daly is fucking boring. Things to do.... DVR Carson Daly and play on endless loop until I meet Mr. Sandman or the business end of my father's .45.

Jesus. Now I'm making vague Elton John lyrical jokes..... zzzzzzzzz

Hold me closer Tony Danza.

Etc. Etc.

For the last 7 weeks I've been working 7am - 3:45pm. This means I would wake up @ 5am, get dressed and be on my way to the big city by 6am. Training ended and my permanant assignment was delivered to me as a Monday-Friday 4:15p - 1am shift. This shouldn't be too bad considering for the last 2 years, I've lived this as pretty close to my default poker/grind schedule.

This weekend I slept as late as possible and stayed up as late as I could.

Monday. I go to asleep at 2am and wake up at 9am. Take a 3hr nap between 11am-2:30p. This isn't so bad. 

Tuesday. Uh Oh. I get home from work at 2am and go to sleep around 2:30am.... and wake up at 4am.... and 6am.... and then I don't sleep until I end up using a PTO day and sleep from 4pm to around 7pm.

Wednesday. I stay awake all night from 7pm until 6:25am. Finally I fall asleep, but wake up at 7:15am. I am awake straight through except for around 30 minutes around 1pm. Soccer couldn't put me asleep. Reading economics textbooks didn't put me asleep. I even tried questionable things to my body. I still didn't fall asleep.

What can I do? I only have now two sick days left. This isn't a job I can do without sleep. 1) I have to drive 1 hour each way. 2) It requires I be sharp to do it well.

Sleeping Pills / Drinking isn't an option.

GRRR.

Yesterday I was in line at 7-11. The manager approached the cashier and opened a 2nd register then said, "I'll help you sir. Janet here has to do a floor and bathroom check." Janet paused and walked away going from a smiling welcoming cashier to a bitter soul-crushed janitor in a smock. If you've ever seen a 7-11 bathroom, you know Janet was on her way to a land of sadness.

I decided that jobs instead of titles should have related quotes. This would allow us to really know our station in life.

$5,479,452 per hour. "Overlord Janet Buffet, the world is now under your complete control. Shall I call Underlord Gates on Planet Microsoft?

$15,100 per hour - "Mrs Janet Walten, the Chinese are working as fast as possible... can we drop the price of green beans, floor mats, and Twilight posters another penny?"

400 per hour - "If we don't get this tumor out, Mr. Schwartzbaugh is going to die. Nurse, hand me my scalpel and put on Yanni, Live at the Acropolis." "Yes! Doctor Janet.!"

$200 per hour - "5'5 blue eyes 145lbs 36c chest busty blonde&pink hair cutie with a really nice booty!! PLEASE..ALL I NEED IS ABOUT A 30MINUTE ADVANCED NOTICE..I DON'T NEED DAYS IN ADVANCED! Call Janet now"

$39 per hour. - "Delta 296, this is Orlando FC controller Janet please remain on current heading."

$28 per hour - "I'm Janet from Happy Hyundai. This new 2010 Hyundai comes with America's best warranty. Which model may I show you?"

$18 per hour - "Janet, I'm not asking you again. Please bring me the file on Mr. Rosenzweig"

$16 per hour - "Janet, I'll have the soup, salad, and breadstick special."

$8 per hour - "Janet needs to do do a floor and bathroom check."

$6 per hour - "Yo man, you need a jumbo?"

$2 per hour - Logged in as users Janet2302. "Aces. Ship It. FUCK FUCK FUCK..... No money HU. Everybody's solid."

I thought of the prop bet idea while sitting in training for my new job. It occurred to me that out of 20 people in the training, I was one of only two Caucasians males in the class. The rest were a mix of African American and Latinos. Here is a job that in this economy pays upwards of $30- an hour in an area where the average wage locally is around $11.50. So I started asking around to my pale friends with the ability to use a computer and talk.

I sampled a variety of college grads who all struggle because they own worthless college degrees. Degrees in History, Art, English, Philosophy to name the most common. One friend has a degree in social work and makes only $13 keeping homeless woman and children alive and safe to the best of her ability. She gets a pass because she firmly knows she's doing a job that serves a greater purpose. The rest have shit jobs they hate and that barely help them survive.

I know we constantly hire people at this company and decided to spread the word to as many friends as possible. None had an interest in the position. Medical Care after 30 days, free phone/internet, 401k, $$$$, Fortune 500 company, etc. Some have families and no medical insurance. Some are facing foreclosure.

"No Thanks, I don't like to talk to people."

"Do I have to sell? I wouldn't want to sell anything...."

I guess my point is this. We often talk about American's not wanted to certain jobs and that's why immigration is needed so much. Here's an above average paying job that is often sent abroad, and we struggle to find a wide demographic willing to perform the job in the US. The reason this class (Half by the way are 1st and 2nd generation Americans) is mostly in the minority is my belief that the typical white American is pretty lazy and feels a sense of entitlement to "The American Dream"

Maybe it's my unique prospective and family history where half of my family lived in abject poverty for 8 generations and the other half lived in a relative wealth and descends from royalty. My grandfather created enormous wealth with a 3rd grade education and then had his children fight and steal it from each other. All of whom 20 years, late have nothing real to show for his hard work.

My brother and I are lazy. I'm not "really" lazy, I just go through spells. I focus and work hard, then get my spirit broken. It's the single flaw within that has kept me from greater things I believe. Say many things about my mother, but she is a workhorse. She will put her head-down and work 90 hours a week if you let her. My wife has that same drive and I admire it greatly among people who possess that skill.

So thinking about all this I decided to propose "The KFC" prop bet. I asked each person and the people in training what odds they would need to perform the bet. Every single call center work sans three that I ask would have done it getting as little as 5-1. Almost everybody but one had "a price."

My white friends on the other hand all wouldn't do it for any price and all were really really concerned about the bucket and diet Pepsi.

Trust me, if you were really really poor and had a way to basically x8-x10 your net worth in 30 days with something that really only takes some discomfort and some disgusting bucket crapping more of you would do it than not. None of us would do this because we aren't busto enough but mark my words. Eskimo Clark would snap call this bet. _____________ the call center worker with 3 kids and husband in prison would do this.

Which leads me to my next post.....

I have an idea for an amazing yet disturbing prop bet. This is a serious idea I’m tossing around. It’s a challenge indeed and it would require the correct price for me to do it. Let me know if you are interested and we’ll discuss odds and $$$ amount. I’m strongly considering posting this to TwoplusTwo to get some possible action.

For 30 days I would have to stay in a barren room with only a folding cot or futon, a laptop, a bucket, and a treadmill. My diet would consist of 4 KFC doubledowns per day. (I can eat half of them grilled overall), unlimited diet Pepsi, and access to a gallon of water per day.

That sounds horrible. Wait it gets harder. Here are some other rules.

I must leave at the same weight or lower than I entered.

 I must play 10k hands of poker per day on average during my prison stay.

I can’t leave the room for ANY reason or it's game over. However, I am allowed to have a visitor for up to an hour everyday.

A 24-hr web cam w/night vision ability would be set up.

The “Bucket Area” would not be recorded obviously.

The cost of the KFC would be split between the accepting party and me.

I can play any limit of poker but I can’t lose more than -.5BB/100.

I await your response and negotiations.