Wave of Mutilation

"You karate do yes, you karate do no. You karate do, guess so?.... SQUIIIIISH! Just like grape." 

That's right, Mr. Miyagi had it right. It works for poker as well. Quit being a limp dick and get on one side or the other. Oh and dude's I'd also like to point out that the fact that they got Jackie Chan to play the shadow of Mr. Miyagi doesn't save the new "Karate Kid" from sucking a giant donkey's blubbering balls. There's no way in hell you can take a pop culture masterpiece, a piece of my happy fucking childhood, and remake it like that. You just don't do that stuff :( You can name it some other movie, or like, The New Karate Kid, or some other retarded name that elude's to the series but has literally nothing to do with Daniel Larusso or Miyagi. OK, I guess I'm done ranting. I don't mind however, that The Last Dragon is getting remade. I feel like the new one will never be as good as the original because you just can't beat SHO NUFF. The characters in that movie are beastly and amazing. BRB BLOG POST I has breakfast to eat....

Alright I'm back. So yeah I just really want to see Samuel L. Jackson as SHO NUFF. Am I the meanest? SHO NUFF! Am I the prettiest? SHO NUFF! Am I the baddest mofo lo DOWN around this town? SHO NUFF! Well who am I? SHO NUFF! WHO AM I? SHO NUFF! I can't hear you.... SHO NUFF!!!!!!!!!!!! The Sho Gun of Harlem. :D 

So I have this student, he plays midstakes and his results are generally very good but he sometimes slips and loses focus and his game really suffers. We were talking about the causes of it, and what he can do to stay on top of his mental A game, and these are a few of the things we talked about that I thought would be cool to share here, I know a ton of people have probably talked about this stuff, but mize well run it anyway. 

Feeling your best - When do you feel your best? When do you think you play your best poker? Is it in the morning, afternoon, or evening? Is it before or after a short workout, or hot shower, or after you've lubed up a stack of asian chicks if you're Barry G. It's going to be slightly different for everyone, so ask yourself what creates the most positive environment for you to play poker. I'll tell you a few things that mine does NOT include. 

1. Pets - I love my cats but let's face the facts. When I'm trying to stack a donk and they're runnin' all over the keyboard or trying to ram their balls in my face in that loving way they do, it's a big distraction. I may even end up sneezing. Then I have to wash my screen, TOO MUCH BULLSHIT. Sorry cats, away you go for the grind. 

2. Instant Messaging - Wow I know how to spell messaging but wow that word just looks really fucked up right now for some reason. What kind of alien trickery is this??? So yeah, put this shit away. Close skype, close aim, close yahoo, close msn, close whatever else you're using, I guess I could put phone as the next thing but so many people text these days I'll just include it here, put your phone under foam, or like, a giant cotton blanket. I guess turning it off would be ok as well. I'm old fashioned. Do this before you start to play, and if you find yourself yapping with friends and can't get away, think of how much money it's costing you while the donkey's ship it to other grinders :( nooooooooo. 

3. Women - Whether it's a wife or a girlfriend, make sure that she respects your time to play poker if you take it seriously. If you're just looking to hit a gutter and hit the gutter I guess you have nothing to worry about, but if you want to win, resolve this asap. Tell that bitch not to nag the fuck out of you, and hassle you about irrelevant shit before you play, tell her to make sure you're at peace with the world and she hasn't added any new stress. A clear mind is VERY important and women are one of the most mind unclearing things possible. For so many reasons. If she still wants to nag and hassle, just let her know that all the cool stuff you do with her comes from your time playing poker, and she needs to respect that and let it go. 

4. Christmas Child Syndrome - WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS!? I know I know I keep rambling about ridiculous stuff just listen because I make it up as I go. Christmas Child Syndrome means that you're not thinking about poker, you're thinking about something sweet that you just can't wait for, a concert, banging some skeezy ho, a game of buttcraft with your friends, so many things that you're super excited for and it's making you want to shit yourself and like, you're getting piss cramps and stuff. PEE CRAMPS, dandelions and daffodonks dancin' in your mullet. Sugar cane and peppermuck, coal in the stacking. Make sure you're entirely focused on the poker and not the poke her, got me? 

5. Eh, fuck number five. You get my point. The bottom line is that you need to consistently create a positive environment that enables you to play your best poker. Think about the best sessions you've played, not just where you ran aces into kings all day you dingleberry, I mean the sessions where your reads were all spot on, you were totally focused and you crushed the player, player vs. player interaction, not card vs. card interaction. AUTOBOTS ROLLLLLL OUT. Write down a list of all the variables that surround that positive playing environment and recreate it. 

Just want to touch on this topic here real fast ----> ATTENTION. If you're not paying attention at the poker table, you're paying someone else. Everything starts with fundamentally solid play, everything starts in a vac, and slowly (or even quickly) spins out of control, a maelstrom of insanity. You HAVE to observe your opponents, you HAVE to learn about their ranges, you HAVE to meticulously crunch every detail that may or may not change the way you play a hand (or the way they play theirs). Your best opponents are doing this. The players moving up to where you want to be are doing this. The GROCERY STORE SCANNER IS DOING THIS. Seriously check it out....

So yeah, again. IF YOU ARE NOT PAYING ATTENTION, YOU ARE PAYING SOMEONE ELSE.

My back is much better. I've purchased the heinously necessary Tableninja on FTP and I'm about to hit the tables soon. I'm basically sore in the morning because when I get out of bed (my brand new king size dreamy sleeptone bed) my back is cracklin' like bacon. But it's generally ok after that. It's been a long hard road out of this injured hell but I'm unlikely to give up, you can't get rid of me unless I'd like to be gotten rid of. I'm out for blood, just like Jason Voorhees I may not say much, but when your stack turns around my machete will be cleaving it my way. Actually I'm more likely to say too much, ok so like Freddy Krueger then. 

Fender

Jaguar

Out  

 

Man this blows. I bought a new bed because the one I have is like infinite years old and worn out. I've been feeling OK after being up for a while, and I'm def healing and getting better, but the bed is twisting my spine and it's realllllllllllly painful for the first few hours of being up. I miss poker. Low volume and be damned I still played god damn it. I want to play now but I'm afraid my brain is frazzled so I'm going to wait a few more days. Try to let this finish healing. This time of not being able to play or do anything else I want to do has been eye opening. What if something happened in the future and I couldn't play poker whenever I wanted to anymore? What if I couldn't play at all? I'd probably regret slackin' off and taking it as easy and casually as I have. I'd probably be pretty pissed off at myself. I guess you can transfer that to anything in life, not just poker. That's kind of the point though. I guess it's human nature to want what we can't have, but if we could have had it and didn't take advantage, when it gets to the point that we can't have it anymore we have nobody to blame but ourselves. I don't know where I'm even going with this post, just kinda rambling stuff that's been on my mind lately. 

One of the obvious changes that I've made in this period of time is eating better. I mean the whole nine yards. I even went as far as getting an $8 bottle of organic cranberry juice with nothing added. Let me fucking tell you this stuff is as strong as alcohol lol. I have to drink it in tiny 1/3 cups because it's seriously potent. I don't think I'll be paying 8 bones in the future for the stuff but I'll def enjoy it while it lasts. However, I can't tell you how delicious steamed broccoli and carrots are with some sea salt and natural butter. It's amazing how much better the food tastes when it's fresh and chemical free. 

It's kinda depressing thinking back to 2008. I sat around staring at walls thinking about death for basically the entire year. I just sat there drenched in depression thinking about how short life is and how miserable I was. Then I'd think about actual death, hoping it was peaceful and not painful. Wondering what happens then, trying to envision what it will feel like when your body goes cold and lifeless, and what your soul might do after (or not do). I don't really want to get into all the gory details but let's just say I was in a bad bad bad place. I eventually woke up from that endless nightmare. I'm not sure how or what sparked it, but I'm glad I did. 

I still feel pretty lost at times but I know one thing for sure. I don't want a standard existence. I don't really care about getting married or having kids (though I definitely want a relationship), and I don't give a rats ass about a picket fence or a 2 car garage. I basically just want to be happy and peaceful, enjoying the rest of my life doing whatever it is I want to do. I like the ocean. I think if Vegas wasn't a desert I'd have moved out there already. I'm really happy near water and I love the smell and feel of ocean air. I have an insane sleep schedule that rotates non-stop. Sometimes you'll catch me going to sleep at 5am, sometimes you'll catch me waking up at 5am. I do like that Vegas is a 24/7 city, and that's definitely attractive but meh. I don't know. I guess I'm pretty indecisive when it comes to moving or living somewhere. I've lived all over the place and growing up we never stayed in the same place more than a few months, or I'd be living with a different relative every few months. I never really settled in to one specific place and I don't require much. I guess that's why I JUST replaced a 6 year old bed, and it was out of necessity. If I didn't injure my back who knows how long I'd have kept that bed. 

Through suffering we gain enlightenment. Through loss we learn appreciation.  

I threw out my back the other day and I've been stuck in bed ever since. No I wasn't carrying dead bodies around or anything like that. I stood up. Yep, that's all I did. So if you haven't seen me around lately that's why. I've been Netflixing to get me through the days. I re-watched the entirety of Chappelle's Show, the good Karate Kid movies, and even some Kids in the Hall for good measure. I'm in a lot of pain, drinking icyhot milkshakes and overdosin' on alcohol & painkiller cocktails (not really obv). I'll be back before you know it with a radically hellacious vengeance to unleash on someone. I'm not exactly sure who yet but someone. In other news standing up after spending long periods of time in bed makes you DIZZY AS FUCK.  

Welcome back. If you're still with me and don't think I'm utterly insane (just yet anyway) congratulations. I think we'll cover a couple of interesting topics in this continuation of previous groove. 

OK so last blog I covered some cool stuff about table talk. In this blog we're going to go over topics that somewhat intertwine with that concept. 

UNDERSTANDING MOTIVE 

This goes for real life as well as poker (live and online), so get your foam spongy eyes on and perhaps a pencil or text file ready. 

People are driven subconsciously by what their personality seeks to accomplish. At the poker table each of your opponents has a subterranean end goal lurking in the back of their skull that influences how they decide on their poker decisions. A "good regular" is usually driven by things like playing well, making money, exploiting other regs, not being exploited by other regs etc. etc. A "serious amateur" is often driven by playing their best poker, living up to the challenge, improving their game, NOT making mistakes. A "recreational player" may have goals that run from being the best bluffer (ala Jamie Gold) or having the most fun (3b'ing 92o and showing it when he overbet jams the A high flop). It's up to you to classify and learn about each individual players persona. What are they likely to do or not do based on the subconscious end goal they've set for themselves? What drives them, why do they play poker? Aside from breaking people apart emotionally (the JENGA of their soul, not making them cry etc.) this is a good basic skeleton for what you can expect on average from an opponent you don't know too much about. So open up your mouth, talk with people at the table, absorb and create dialogue. If you're not very comfortable talking to total strangers or you're socially awkward and have a hard time not sounding like a babbling buffoon ripe with out of place comments, I suggest you spend some time on chat roulette or fire up skype and call random people. Go to a bar and stay sober the entire night but try to have meaningful conversations with the drunkards (you can get away with saying whatever you want because they're likely paying way less attention than someone sober and they won't remember it the next day half of the time anyway, GUINEA PIGS!) or just walk around the mall and try talking to random people. Go into stores and strike up conversations about whatever is on the shelf, whatever they have in their cart, whatever they're wearing, whatever you can possibly use to break into a conversation. 

This sort of thinking goes hand in hand between real life and poker. Once you start constantly thinking about what drives people to make the decisions they make, you can see through to the truth. The usable core so to speak. You'll notice lies easier, you'll recognize when someone is trying to take advantage of you a lot faster/more efficiently, you'll also be able to lie and take advantage of people more efficiently (for better or worse, use it for poker and vs. corporations, not vs. family and friends lol) You'll basically be better at life because you're processing more information to make your decisions and you'll learn a better response to said processed information through experience and analysis. Hmmm sounds kinda like improving at poker no? 

MANIPULATIVE TRIGGER THEORY 

Understanding the psychological information that people transmit (knowingly or not) AND knowing how to take control of and transmit psychological information that people will respond to in an anticipated manner. (sounds like metagame no? THE METAGAME OF LIFE!)

After you read the examples below, stop and think for a few minutes about how it would translate in other situations. What if you were on the opposite side of the coin? What if it was poker/real life/you were buying a car/you were discussing your salary with an employer. 

People will take the options given to them a high % of the time. If you don't give them any options, they don't have any outs aside from being a super strong thinker or someone who understands this kind of stuff/questions everything in a logical manner already. Weak minded or nonchalant/naive people will get obliterated by this. 

Selection of words ---> How you present information greatly influences how people respond to what you say to them. I don't mean simple stuff like HEY FUCK YOU ASSHOLE! vs. YOU ROCK DUDE! or YOU SEXY VIXEN! vs. YOU SKANK ASS SLUM BUNNY! That stuff should be very obvious. I'm talking about subtle word choices that transmit or obstruct information to someone that will cultivate an anticipated response from them based on the words or options you've included or left out. Sounds ridiculous right? Follow me....

Example 1: PRESENTATION - You present a friend/date with options for where you'll eat dinner this evening. 

If you say something like "Where do you want to eat tonight?" You'll get an honest response, there's no suggestive information here, there's no denial of choice or constriction of thought. 

If you say something like "We're going to X tonight." Saucy individuals may say "Oh really?" before they fall into line, but they almost always fall into line anyway. This doesn't give them a choice, they don't have any options, there's no room for thought (unless they really don't like the food you're telling them you're getting, which would stop this from being as effective obv) and most of the time they'll say "that's cool" or "sure, doesn't matter to me". You get the picture. 

If you say something like "Chinese or Italian, it's your choice." Is it really their choice? Sure, within the parameters that you've specifically given to them. They have options now, but only options that are OK with you, you win regardless of end result. This also blindsides them from ever thinking it's not their choice, because you've clearly stated "it's YOUR choice." You're empowering them within your own goals. Sometimes people won't feel like either choice and suggest something else, but the vast majority of the time they don't even think about it, they just choose which option impulsively sounds more attractive to them.   

If you say something like "We shouldn't eat at X tonight" vs. "We shouldn't eat at X tonight, should we?" These sound super similar right? The difference between the first sentence and the second is that in the first one you're not leaving the statement open for discussion. You will NOT be eating at that place, and they don't have the option to open up debate because you haven't given it to them. In the second sentence though, the inclusion of "should we?" allows them to think freely about whether or not they want X and if it's a good idea. You're encouraging feedback and interaction, rather than submission. 

Example 2: DOMINANT VS. SUBMISSIVE PERSONALITIES - When you learn more about how an individual thinks, you'll learn whether or not they're dominant or submissive on average, or what parts of life they tend to be dominant or submissive in. Perhaps someone isn't picky about food but REALLY cares about what movies they watch. Maybe someone likes to feel like part of the decision process and hates being told what to do, with that type of person you'd win more often by suggesting things in a "together" manner. If you said "We're doing X." you'd get less positive responses over the long term than if you said "Let's do X." Variations on that could be "Let's do X, WHAT DO YOU THINK?" which will allow their inner team player to respond in a positive way, or "Let's do X, THAT'S A GOOD IDEA, RIGHT?" which is slightly more aggressive in that it attempts to get them to believe they're "on the team" by including them in the process, but reduces their choice to include only what you want. If they're more agreeable and less combative to authority overall, the "that's a good idea, right?" line can be tossed in a lot of the time to get the response you want.  

Example 3: APPLICATION USING INFORMATION - When I was buying magic cards at conventions I routinely noticed people saying no when I said "Do you have any cards for sale?" as they wandered by. The reason is because a lot of those people weren't expressly looking to sell cards, or the thought didn't even cross their mind, so their default response was a simple "No." The people that said yes to that question were generally a lot easier to deal with price-wise as well, because they had the intention of selling cards, and they knew "business was business." They expected you to make a profit off of them, so you had more room to work (even if they battled for the best deal they could get, the generally never tried to shut you out of a profit). I eventually cracked the code, when I started following up "Do you have any cards for sale?" with "Do you have a binder I can look through?" Almost EVERYONE had a binder of cards they brought with them. That opened up the door to soooooo many purchases I wouldn't have had the opportunity to make otherwise. To think, just a few simple words or a slightly different question and voila, Magic (no pun intended). 

Example 3: KEYWORDS AND BODY LANGUAGE - Much like we can change the words we use to influence the way people interact and respond to us most people use their own keywords and body language to transmit information to the world around them (very often unknowingly and unnoticed). There are a lot of subtle hints, whispers on the breeze if you will. If you know what to look for you can pick this stuff up and get a lot of value from it. I don't pretend to be an expert so keep in mind I'm just sharing my views :) 

When you're having a conversation with ANYONE about ANYTHING at all listen very specifically to the words they're using. Look closer at them and see how their body moves or how their mouth or eyes change when they speak a word or finish a thought. There's so much information available it's ridiculous. They're letting you know if they like/dislike approve/disapprove of or love/hate etc. etc. This gives you a chance to fill future conversation with the seeds of whatever your goal is. What are you trying to accomplish and what's the best way to accomplish it with this person based on the information you have about them currently. This can apply to all kinds of situations and relations.

DISCLAIMER: I said something similar earlier and I'll say it again. Being yourself is the best thing you can do when you're interacting with friends and family, future friends, or anyone you may want to date seriously. Basically interacting with anyone that you're going to end up caring about long term you don't really want to be super manipulative towards them (unless it's harmless subtle manipulation that grants you an edge in dinner choice long term, or something silly like that).

In poker, random daily life situations, esFUCKINGspecially VS. corporations, anytime there's no personal connection is a good time to abuse this ability. Obviously at the live poker table we don't want to get too wrapped up in putting value on eye twitches and scratched asses until they become really rock solid reads or we have a lot of experience with the person but in daily life this information is usually very accurate, applicable, available, and manifests itself quickly (meaning it's often useful because it's about something going on currently, something relevant).

This is getting pretty long as well so I think I'm going to stop it here, if I missed covering anything or anyone wants me to touch on something unclear, comment and I'll use that information as a pivot for my next blog post. I hope this stuff is helpful :) Even though I didn't talk about poker specifically there's a giant wealth of applicable poker knowledge in this post, like I said earlier, stop and think about how the concepts apply in different situations, different mediums, with different people etc. Feel it out, but most importantly don't leave it out. GL in Vegas folks haha. 

Nothing interesting has gone on lately. Pretty much airballs in fact. It will pleasure you to know that I'll have a replacement vid for the one taken down going up sometime soon. I'm going to start playing HU for the majority of my play. So if anyone has any nut high HU vid suggestions let me know. Otherwise I'll make my way around the usual channels of groove and try to find some gem mint stuff. I'll still be coaching 6-max and playing 6-max some % of the time. 
I've been listening to this band Surfer Blood as suggested by my music/political journalist friend David King (read some of his stuff here, but be warned it's usually Upstate, NY stuff :D ---->) http://www.metroland.net/back_issues/vol31_no15/newsfront.html. It's pretty damn awesome, and if anyone reading this likes Weezer, The Pixies, My Bloody Valentine, or Pavement-ish type stuff, you need to check these dudes out. 

I thought you'd like that :D

Sooooo everyone is going to be chillin' at the WSOP, playin' events, wackin' donks, hoping for that run hot to a bracelet groove. I used to play a lot of live poker, mostly cash games but the occasional donkament. I table talk like a motherfucker, and it usually tilts the shit out of people. It's very subtle though, you plant the seeds of doom and let your enemies stew and foam until finally they explode! No seriously! I have a couple of tricks that I use here and there and a few topics I'd like to discuss. Actually, fuck all that structure bullshit I just have a few random things that crossed my mind and as such I'm spewing them to you guys. Drink up me hearties yo ho!

OK firstly -----> EDGE IS EDGE IS EDGE IS EDGE IS EDGE. Online edge manifests itself differently than live. I'm not going to go into all the ways you can create an edge online because I think you guys are probably pretty well versed in this. Live though, things are completely different. Less hands means less opportunity to take advantage of technical edge. You spend more time interacting (or not) with your actual opponents via conversation, dirty looks, or spyin' that make-up caked ho's cleavage while her meathead boyfriend loses his paycheck. The visual experience of seeing them in the flesh has its advantages. Alright on we go (Q Wonka's boat ride clip here imo)

First up is table talk. What is it? It's a way to fuck up your opponents game and help them make mistakes. Why do we do it? It's a way to fuck up your opponents game and help them make mistakes. When should we do it? When it's a way to fuck up your opponents game and help them make mistakes. Who should we do it do? Anyone at the table who has chips you'd like to de-rezz. Where should we do it? At the poker table numb nuts what the hell? I do think if you read everything I'm rambling about today you can probably find some life application as well though, so keep in mind how stuff may transfer over to non-poker situations. 

I like to get a feel for who's a talker at the table, and who's just iPoding away or a cold lump of air. What you talk about topic-wise can have a big effect on the way your opponents subconscious brainwaves are sputtering. Regardless of how good we are at poker, we are emotional humans who have psychological triggers and things we like too much or hate a lot. It's your job to feel them out and see what they might be into or against. What's their job? A Veterinarian probably likes animals so talking about some video you saw online with someone beating a dog would probably make them pretty uncomfortable, and it may even make them angry. (This may be a bad example, but if you present this information from a "this disgusts me" standpoint rather than "DUDE THIS WAS AWESOME" they may actually register that they like you in their head (things in common = bonding), and may softplay you unintentionally down the road, or if you did say "dude this was awesome" they may be gunning4you, you get the point though :D) This WILL have an effect on their play whether they know it or not. How many times have we said it online? STAY FOCUSED, close IM's and web pages. Those things lower our in motion level of skill (by lowering our "focus" and increasing our level of emotion). The same thing can happen live. If you let them grind quietly along they can focus, if you throw rocks at their windows and blow out their tires, they can't navigate very well anymore :( 

After getting a feel for what kind of people you have at your table and what may influence their level of emotion, you move on to topic manipulation. You can attack them individually with precision, but you need broader topics when trying to influence the entire table. When I used to play at the Turning Stone Casino, I'd generally have tables with a good mix of older dudes and college kids that couldn't play anywhere else because they weren't 21 yet and they didn't have a giant beard to defend vs. ID checks. At this kind of table, my favorite topic to bring up? Think for a second.... STRIPPERS! Talking about women in general, but mainly those that taunt you in a sexual fashion is a great way to loosen up the table. It gets everyone thinking about sex and whoever they banged (or failed to bang!) the previous night or who they could be banging tonight. It will loosen up the nittiest of nits. USE THIS. It's actually amazing at how a nitty table can get loose and gambly (word?) all because emotionally they're thinking about sex, and their level of poker focus has decreased. Sex is where we let go of our inhibitions, if it's on their minds they'll do the same thing at the poker table, let go of their nitty inhibitions. Close calls become easy calls, preflop folds go the way of the dodo. I go off on tangents and make up stories about the subject, anything over the top to really grab their attention. You may think this is all ridiculous but seriously give it a shot. Post comments on how it went :D 

SIDENOTE: Silly tricks used on dumb animals = If you have the nuts, or AA, you can often ask a naive opponent in the hand if HE has AA or the nuts, thus drastically reducing the chances of him thinking you have said hand, and increasing his likelihood of going broke with a hand he may not have previous. If you know a player is VERY ego driven, hates losing pots for the wrong reason, hates losing a conversational battle, you can TAUNT him into calling ALL THE TIME :D When you're value betting vs. him, top it off with comments like "You'll never call this one!" or "I'm just takin' your black chip, no worries bro." Be subtle but ---> BE CONDESCENDING <---. You will rape this guy because his emotional response will crush his focus and he'll HATE STATION you. If you want to get away with an overbet jam or a giant pot sized bet for value where you have a naive opponent with an obvious hand, suggest parity. Say something like "haha we're chopping." or "haha, we have the same hand." or call out his hand and say "You have XX too? I may as well fold out the chop LOL." or "You have XX as well? We choppin' this pot?" Keep in mind this kinda stuff won't work on good players. VS. those guys you need emotional subterfuge. Also keep in mind that a smile or a laugh is in nearly every example. VS. the naive dudes it suggests comfort and togetherness, VS. the ego driven guys it suggests that you're getting the better of him, and he will respond accordingly. 

OK back to our regularly scheduled program. Eh nevermind this is getting kinda long but I don't feeling like shutting the hell up just yet, so I'm going to continue this in a part 2 coming up ASAP. 

 

So there I was, walking down the street in the SCOOP low ME on stars. I’m super card dead in the first couple of hours, barely getting by. I bust some dude with a set vs. his 99 on 678r, things are looking up. I go card dead again and we start to get close to the money. Then something ridiculous happens. Not just any individual variable, but every variable lined up to create this gigantic mass atomic head exploding flesh splattering bomb of retardation. So how did this wryly spun classic go? Lets take a look eh?

One of my opponents, who we’ll call Dillinger (this is nothing near his actual name, this is a sweet ass pop culture reference designed to amuse probably just me, but if anyone else gets it that’s cool too :D) decided to STALL THE LIVING FUCK out of his time bank. THE ENTIRE 3 MINUTES WORTH. We were still like 100+ people or so out of the money, and maybe that’s totally standard as I’m not really an MTT guy, but it seemed ridiculous. HE DID NOT tank once, he tanked twice!!!! SAM I AM GREEN EGGS AND SLOWPLAYING DILLINGER THAT SHOULD HAVE JAMMED.

MP opens, Dillinger SMOOTH CALLS w/15 bb. (nobody uses smooth call anymore, where’s the love?). Let us be perfectly honest. Nice and sparkling clear, NOBODY THINKS YOU HAVE AIR MR. DILLINGER. anyone with half of a brain in their head KNOWS you’re obv snapcalling any sort of jam, you don’t just tank forever and flat with 15bb ready to dump napkins you saucy tart! :D

So I miraculously have aces. That’s right, American FUCKING Airlines. ROCKETS baby. BULLETS that Dillinger CAN NOT DODGE! So I squeeze-jam for about 17bb. I’m pretty happy because I know he’s never folding. I know he’s got a snapcall waiting in the weeds like that vampire kid in Salem’s Lot that shimmied up to his friends window in the misty fog light and was like YO DUDE IT’S COOL IT’S ME YOUR OLD FRIEND OPIE (I still can’t believe that kid opened the window, I mean come on dude, he’s FLOATING in mist, if my friends show up floating in mist I RARELY let them in because I KNOW some shady shit is going down, THINK MCFLY THINK).

Anyway, I JAM with AA, and he goes into the tank for his remaining 2 minutes. During that 2 minutes of time, enough people bust out that we’re literally down to the bubble, 3150 out of 20k people get paid, and we’re at 3159 or so when his timer hits 1. HITS 1! He obv calls.

He turns over AK of spades, NO SURPRISES HERE!

Now we can go into that slow motion gut wrenching emotionally charged part of the story where we’re on the edge of our seats as the flop slowly descends upon us like an alien invasion and we can only watch frozen in terror, too cold and confused to run for our lives, as all of the KINGS come storming out of the deck like agents of obivion to crush our aces. That’s right. K K 3 or was it K K 6. I didn’t see the 3rd card on the flop because I was too busy picking bloodstained glass out of the skin on my fist and wondering if I hit someone with my AC unit as I punched it out the window (I’m overplaying this blog post in case you were wondering, this part never happened).

I was crippled. Crushed. I had like 2bb left. I had 99 next hand. I called it all off vs. JJ and bricked out.

That was that. I was gone on the bubble. I slowly faded away, a breath on the stacks of those who witnessed this tragedy, a smile on the devilish grin of Dillinger.

From the up up sky herb flyin’ highest stakes to the micro-est micro mini teensy weensy itsy bitsy yellow polk-a lot bikini stakes. We’re in this thing together. We may have different goals, or sub-goals that are all an extension of the main goal. You may say “that’s improving our games right?” HA HA! no. that’s a SUB-POP sub-goal of the main goal as well. THE MAIN GOAL is to enjoy your time with poker. It’s very often overlooked or taken for granted. We focus on the bad, the very bad, the out of our control, we downright whine like retarded fucking bitches!!!!!!! sometimes. We’re all guilty of it. Everyone has someone they splatter bad beats all over. It might be your pimpin’ ass cat, your upscale ho, or your fists as the flesh is ripped off in ribbons and blood pours like a fine wine, from slamming them against windows and walls and laptops and desks, and lions and tigers and balls, OH MY!!!!

I was checking out the blogs I normally read on various sites the other day, and I randomly started to read blog titles instead. That’s right, I didn’t read any blogs, just the titles. THE VAST MAJORITY were negative in some way. Now maybe that’s pretty standard because we don’t brag as much as we bitch, because psychologically we feel like we deserve a lot of what we’d brag about but in turn do NOT deserve what we bitch about, but that’s all a heap of flaming fire red dog shit. Splattered on a barn wall.

What the hell am I rambling about? I think it’s very important to enjoy what you’re doing. Yes you should take your poker and your poker education seriously, yes you should fervently question why things are the way they are and soak up knowledge like johnny 5 on crack cocaine. YES YES YES. BUT! You should also enjoy it. Don’t be such a miserable hump all the time. EVERYONE goes through the same beats, if not now then later. If a hand doesn’t have educational or hilarious value, it probably doesn’t need to be talked about within your group of dudes or dudettes. Unless of course, you’re specifically a bad beat support group. If that’s the case I highly suggest you keep the beat talk short and get to the secondary activities fast.

What’s all this sparked from? Well I just got done coaching a group of SSNL players and I was feeling kinda inspired from the pep talk that I gave them and our discussion, and last night I had a student/friend ship me a hand where they got it in good on the turn and got sucked out on. I didn’t even respond to them, all I could think of at the time was STFU WHO CARES YOU WANT MORE I GOT A MILLI OF EM BABY A FUCKING PLETHORA.

A positive mindset creates a positive energy. Whether it’s poker or real life. If you constructively use what’s in front of you to improve, the positive and the negative things, you will see greater results than if you wishy washily focused on some good and harped like a bitch on the bad stuff.

I’ve always approached poker in a problem/solution format. What problem does my individual opponent represent, and what solution can I employee to counter him. Even when I was a total retarded nit-fish I STILL thought about poker in this manner. You can apply that TO ANYTHING and do well with it if you think logically. Relationships, buying a car, choosing lunch, the fire in your kitchen, yes you can counter that too, GO GO GADGET FIREHOSE!!!!!! STANLEY SPADOWSKI FTW!. I’m not trying to sound all Sklansky DUCY or anything because anyone who knows me know I’m one of the most ridiculous negative curmudgeon type dudes they know. I STILL find a way to stay objective with poker, I still enjoy playing poker, I still laugh when I’m playing a session and something crazy good OR crazy bad happens. How often do you crack a smile in a sesh about something that didn’t directly benefit you? EH? ROBOCOP? EH? Anyway, if you realistically think about the outcomes before you open the door, you will have made a better decision based on information that is available to you that you’d be making a mistake not to use.

SAYYYYYY for a second that you get kidnapped by that fucked up clown dude, I think it’s a clown anyway, the guy from the SAW movies, I didn’t SAW too many of them though, new school horror doesn’t have the same charm for me that old horror does, but that’s another story for another day. SOOOOO this dude kidnaps you and he’s all like OK, here are 3 doors. ONE leads to certain death, ONE leads to a pile of naked bitches (or dudes for the ladies), and ONE leads to a room full of jello that you may or may not live to get out of. When choosing a door YOU HAVE NO INFORMATION. They’re all the same color, no markings, no smell, you have literally no way to make a better decision than to straight up guess or like, try to level some freaky clown dude that kidnapped you, GL with that. IT’S NOT LIKE THAT IN POKER OR IN LIFE. You can think ahead! You can think about the next street, you can think about past hands and what they did before, you can think about how their 3b range is constructed or how they play marginal hands when they know they aren’t good. YOU CAN PROCESS ALL OF THIS and make a better decision. You can think about what that penis smell on her jeans means, because you know you haven’t had your penis on her jeans in a while! You can think about…. well you get the idea.

I have no idea what I’m talking about at this point so I’ll sum up this insanity with something that you should always have in your back pocket. Whenever you’re feeling low, whenever the variance train has you down, whenever you feel like life is a black corridor, an empty hallway filled with echoes of people you don’t know anymore and people you’ll never see again and beats and coolers and aces vs. aces. and no comps at the bar IT’S A CASH BAR no sunshine just rain no GOOD MOVIES ARE ON and I HAVE A HEADACHE and the PAINT IS NOT DRY, SMELLS FUNNY, SODA IS FLAT and and and and and…. alright enough just watch this clip and remember, we’re all in this together….

THE MYSTERY OF LIFE REVEALED

I did finish the month with over 25k hands played. It was a struggle. I lost a lot of time early and had to scramble at the end. But it I did it. I ran like absolute rotten vagina over that course of time, and while I know my A game probably suffered some from playing so many tables, I definitely don’t feel like I was playing unprofitably. I’m not one to complain about beats and EV wah wah wah so I’ll just sum it up and say that I don’t remember winning with AK all-in preflop, and I don’t remember flopping a set and winning when all the money went in. End of story morning glory. I am glad for the experience and while I’m taking a couple of days off because my eyes are bleeding Red Bull and my mouth is parched and feels like sandpaper, I am getting used to putting more volume in. I’ll figure out who had the best comment on the original blog and announce/pm who gets the free hour of coaching soon!

I’m a DC coach now! Thanks to everyone at DC and big thanks to Krantz. I really enjoy teaching poker, I may even enjoy it more than playing, and I’m glad to be a part of the team.

I changed my avatar to Crispin Glover as the Wizard of Gore because well, it fits me nicely :D

Harvest Rain, the musical project I’m sometimes involved in has a new CD coming out sometime soon. Check it out here: Harvest Rain Jason Thompkins is the musical genius behind the project and a dear friend.

Thumbs down to the New Jersey Devils for getting ousted in round 1. I guess I still have the Bruins to root for. Hopefully they don’t fuck it up.

Grats to my cash game student/IRL friend/SNG Pro James Whittet for mizing 3rd in the Venetian Deep Stack main event. Keep crushing it sir.

SCARECROW: Someone who shall remain nameless (a reg, a 2p2 cat) called me down in a single raised pot with A high when I bet bet overbet shoved with a flush. Then they said “Oops thought I had a flush” Don’t be that kind of a hero guys. It’s rarely going to work out. We all know you didn’t think you had a flush, you thought you were super cool style guy calling jaggy down with A high to be right and gloat. The same dude 3b me with 72o previous and showed it down. Just thought I’d toss this scarecrow out there, don’t let your ego get the best of you. Respect your opponents no matter how bad or good you think they are. You HAVE to give them some respect or you’re going to end up making emotionally driven mistakes. We often feel that when someone is worse than we are, we are entitled to beating them or just scooping their money up, or when we have something to prove to someone, how good we are and how we’re on their level etc. etc. You get what I’m sprayin’ folks, just stay cool headed and keep yourself in check.

Alright I guess I’m done rambling about a million subjects. 200NL was fun, 9-12 tabling was fun, glad it’s over. HELLO MID/HIGH STAKES I HAVE MISSED YOU SO MUCH!

Grindstation:

Got everything you need here.

X – ridiculous lazboy roland recliner
X – razer diamondback mouse and vespula mousepad
X – laptop table on the recliner arm (key to the captain chair)
X – sennheiser headset for coaching/making vids and some HD-595’s for drowning in sound
X – 30" & 24" monitors w/obligatory random sawed in half hot bitch
X – darth vader lookin’ computer
X – awkward aunt motherfuckin’ jemima looking water canteen contraption

As far as the prop bet is concerned, I have a lot of ground to make up since I’ve lost so much time getting this new computer (over a week). I tried 12 tabling 200NL to catch up, but I suck ass at over 6 tables, as previously mentioned in my blog and in vids. I micromanage too much, and it doesn’t work on tons of tables.

I’ve got about 15k hands to get in before the hand of the month. I’m going to probably chill at 1/2 and 2/4 trying to kick up the volume. I’ll still play 5/10 if the games are good, so I guess we’ll see. I’d say you guys are probably the favorite right now in this bet lol. I’ll post graphs and such at the end of the month when everything is completed.

It’s funny I’m going to have to email FTP support and let them know I’m going to indeed be sending out 20’s like santa claus so they don’t think he hi-jacked my account and decided to spread the jolly christmas cheer and such.

Not much else is going on right now, drinking a grape kombucha tea and listening to the meat puppets as I finish this blog up and get ready to grind. I may just put a few epic movies on in the background and try to run a mini-LOCKDOWN. Pink Floyd: The Wall, Heavy Metal, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, After Hours, those all sound great right about now. Anyway, gl out there folks.

Where to start where to start. I haven’t had a working pokerable computer for over a week. That’s doing really well for my 25k hand prop bet this month. I just got my “overnight” shipped computer that took 3 days to get after processing a CC took 2 days. IBUYPOWER.com should be called ISUCKDONKEYCOCK.BUST because though the computer is def high quality (aside from the nut low ass end components they tried to jack me with even though I specified that I wanted better IE: I get a video card that runs 2x dual DVI, they ship me the nut low manufacturer and it only has 1x dual DVI. FUCK YOU.) THEY SUCK lol. I’m going to call them with a giant list of complaints and be like RIDDLE ME THIS BITCH because I want my edge back. Everything in life offers an edge. If someone cuts you off on the highway they’ve slowed down the REST OF YOUR LIFE and sped theirs up. THAT is so significant for something so small. The customer service sucked. I called twice and talked to some random dude that barely spoke english and tried to give me the run around like I was going to call him down with bottom pair. He’s obviously danced this dance before. I’ll win in the end though, I always do. Bottom line is they are shady, have terrible customer service, but a reasonable price and good quality stuff (when you force their hand). Make sure if you get a comp from these fucking donks you’re the god damn juggernaut and not strawberry shortcock. Got me good buddy? I know what you’re thinking. “Uh….” WELL I DIDN’T ORDER UHHHH. PIE, FRIES, and LARGE COFFEE! GOT ME GOOD BUDDY!!!!!!!?

END RANT

Hi! :D So yeah I’m going to go through with the prop bet even though I probably have grounds to cancel it this month. Fuck that. I’m going to start tomorrow and soldier through Warriors style (gotta coach a LOT today).

I’ll prob take some pics of the set-up and everything and put them up next update. It’s pretty sick looking aside from my shitty desk.

So yeah, I have until the 1st of May to finish my 25k hands. I have this many in so far this month….

At least I’m running good at 5/10.

POKER IS A LOT LIKE ORDERING A PIZZA! “What the fuck are you talking about NOW leather, jesus christ :/”

No seriously, listen. OK so you order a pizza. You’re flyin’ solo so you rock a medium pepperoni with NO sauce. It’s not that you don’t like sauce and won’t partake in it in the future, it’s that you don’t feel particularly saucy today. When you get your order it’s 20 minutes late. It’s lukewarm. IT HAS SAUCE ON IT! Are you the type of person who….

A) Calls back immediately and complains

B) Says fuck it and eats/forgets about it

C) Tries to scrape the sauce off like a retard (this is a joke, I seriously seriously hope)

D) Is pissed off, does nothing about it, rolls eyes/shakes head/goes on about business

E) Doesn’t even fucking notice that it has sauce

If you chose A. When you call back they offer you 1. Credit for next time 2. They can remake it and resend it BUT IT WILL TAKE ANOTHER HOUR (fuck you you dumb pizza ho don’t try to manipulate me) Which do you take? What are the variables that influence your decision? When you told them about their mistake, did you use the leverage information of lukewarm/late pizza? What if you weren’t getting credit for a whole pizza and you were instead only getting credit for a side of garlic butter that they forgot, but you paid 2 bucks for and were really looking forward to? Does that change your decision? Should it change your decision? What’s the best play giving all variables!?

If you chose anything other than A, think about what I wrote about A, think about how it pertains to poker. Think again. One more time. WHAT AM I TRYING TO SAY HERE!??? Think about how you can apply your answer to your poker game. Do you have any of the same poker traits as you do life traits? I mean, poker is life right? Personality comes through at the poker table.

I feel like if I keep going in my current state of mind it could get insane so I’m going to pause and call it a blog. I do think there’s a lot of interesting stuff in here though, so please, discuss :D